Is there a point where you become 'deformed' beyond being able to spring back into your old ways?
What changes do you enjoy the most?
You know a lot of the time, I write stuff here just intending to kvetch. You don't let me get away with that. My hat is off to you for getting me to face things in such a way as to solve them.
I guess if the changes stuck, they would become easy (I hope), because I would be habituated to them, and they would just come naturally. Which is to say, I hope there is a point where I stop springing back into my old ways.
The changes I enjoy most? Ironically, those I have been least consistent in applying. GALing - it gives me permission to actually do something to please myself, rather than frantically trying to figure out what I should be doing to make things better at home.
It is really tough to try to make myself a better person without letting myself slip into it being all about pleasing W. And it's hard to GAL without completely ignoring doing things that make me more responsible, a better worker, father - you know, all that stodgy stuff. I have always been good at extremes, but keeping any kind of balance is a challenge for me.
Another thing that is hard for me is to be able to accept that sometimes W is being unreasonable, without being tempted to blame everything on her. Again, extremes. When I realized that it wasn't fair to blame her for every conflict between us, I automatically shot toward assuming that I was always the problem in our relationship. Now, it's hard for me to even blow off something she said or did because she's cranky. I always ask, "Did I do something wrong? What's wrong with me?" But I'm afraid of going to the other extreme.
OK, you can see how nutty it is inside MY head!
The last 24 hours have been bizarre. First, last evening W said to me she couldn't look at a website she usually likes to see, because...she stopped, looking for the word. I threw in a suggestion, and she got really annoyed, telling me that she can't say anything without my finishing a sentence for her, and why don't I just listen. I apologized, and I thought that was it.
Later on, I sat beside her as she was doing something, and she asked, "What do you want?" I'm not too quick with social cues, but I have figured out that that question usually does not bode well. So I asked her what was bothering her. She answered that I was rude, and when I asked her what I had done (not defensively, but seriously - I know I can be offensive without even realizing it, and it has embarrassed me often enough), and she brought back up my finishing her sentence. I apologized again, then left the room, figuring that pursuing the matter would probably not help. While I was on my own, I thought about the fact that often my apologies were really just me saying, "I don't want you to be angry anymore," rather than an expression of insight into something I shouldn't have done. So, I tried to imagine what the incident meant to her. I went back to her (she was in bed, but not asleep by this time), and told her that I didn't know why it was so automatic for me to try to complete her sentences every time she hesitated... Well, I didn't get any farther than that. She got a little snappy, and said that she didn't hesitate, she just couldn't find the word (I really had assumed the two meant the same thing). I sort of felt unsure what I could say that wouldn't get me into trouble! So I just acknowledged what she said and hastily apologized for not listening, which she accepted unceremoniously. And I started to go to sleep.
That was when it got more bizarre. (Warning: the following may be a little uncomfortable )
A little later, when I was half asleep, W awakened me with, "This may sound weird, but I am really horny, and I just want to *bleep*." W is no stranger to the use of this word when angry or frustrated, but she has almost never used it in reference to the actual act, especially between us. She wanted me to satisfy her first, and I never have any problem with that - in fact, I am more comfortable that way. Then she told me she didn't want to kiss. Well, I have to say that idea wasn't very attractive to me, and I felt a little rejected. On the other hand, I knew that W had many times had sex with me when she wasn't really in the mood, just out of concern for my needs, so I figured WTF (literally).
Feeling as alone and isolated as I have lately, I really wanted more from sex than just sex. (Incidentally, I had never imagined, as a man, that an offer of sex would be less than attractive to me because I wanted more emotional depth - always thought that I would be perfectly satisfied as long as I had a horny woman) I'm not sure how I feel about last night, or how I should respond to such a request should it come up again.
I know I shouldn't try to read into the things that W does, but I have been wondering what a request like that means. Especially from someone who has never looked at sex like that, who is in a situation our marriage has never been in before. I don't even know where to start.
This morning she woke up early enough to see me before I left for work, and we both agreed that last night felt really weird.
OK, I'm actually feeling a little tired just typing all of that up. Am I nuts for making such a big deal out of this? Was it a little creepy? I don't know what to make of it, or even, for certain, how I feel about it.
Hope I didn't creep anybody out typing that here.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
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