Thanks for the explanation, Gritter. Makes a whole lot more sense. I hate having to do this. It feels entirely paradoxical to what I want to do (i.e. be there for her when she "needs" me). But I understand that it is these paradoxical manuevers that probably do the most good. She still does not truly understand what it will be like if I'm not in her life anymore. (If we ever do talk, I want to express that I DO want her to call me if she's actually feeling suicidal. I want to let her go to figure her stuff out and so I can start living my life, too, but I never want to shut her out if she's feeling like she wants to hurt herself.)
Given that she has chosen the S over reconciliation, I want to give her a good taste of that. She has this fantasy in her mind of us dating other people and being separated, but still chatting and talking like platonic buddies. Sorry, but I feel like she's out of her gourd if she expects that from me (which it kind of feels like she is, but I digress). It hurts too much, and I'm tired of her using my heart as a yo-yo. Plus, she's really distracting me from GAL-ing. When we talked on Friday, she pointed out that I was cooped up in my apartment rather than out doing stuff and being with people. For some reason, it REALLY hurt (and probably jump-started the depression). Almost like she was judging me for being anti-social, even though I don't think that was her intent. Guess it just hurt to know how lonely I am right now.
The depression is slowly lifting. I was actually able to watch a movie last night, which I didn't even feel like I could do on Monday. Maybe tonight I might do some writing as well. That's been a big struggle for me. As soon as I sit down in the chair, I get a wave of emotion like my body's saying, "Can't do this. Just can't."
I might also hang out with an old school friend over the weekend. I borrowed her copy of "Watchmen" and need to give it back to her. Might as well hang around with her while I'm at it. She's been a good friend since this has happened. On an interesting note, this is the same friend who my W freaked out in jealousy at when she posted on my FB wall, then a month later started urging me to go out with / asking me if we've "done" anything together. My W continues to ask if I'm dating anyone with almost every phone conversation we have. I fully doubt that this has anything to do with me or my feelings -- it feels very much like if I was seeing someone else, it would alleviate whatever guilt she must be feeling. She knows deep down that what she's doing is wrong. She just doesn't want to do anything to make things right -- yet, anyway.
