been gone so long couldn't find my thread! lol!

[AntoniaB]

Wow, this is really fascinating to watch unfold. First of all you sound so awesome and strong and you should be really proud of yourself for getting to this place.

I've thought about what I would do were I ever to be in this situation where my XH's rel. with OW failed and then he noticed me again and the changes I've made, and the thing that sticks in my head is the phrase "One year."

Now I'm not IN that place so this is only what I would guess I would do/hope I would do.

But if my XH came back and started to feel that he wanted to reconcile with me, I'd tell him I thought he needed to be without a woman in his life for one year. One year to really dig deep himself, to see who he really was and what he really needed to be ok by himself, because it took me over that time span to really dig deep myself, and I'm a lot more open to self-exploration than he is.

I don't know how you feel about any kind of time table for him--I think what you said so far is great about your "conditions". I feel like I'd have a lot of conditions too, like "you need to make amends with the people in my life who you hurt." (Honestly my XH is so stubborn I think that would be the end of that ;-)

But the biggest thing to me is that these people really need to face not having the crutch of a relationship for a significant amount of time. It's the ONLY way that most of us were able to really discover ourselves and become better, more whole people. I think it's really important that they do the same, not because we are trying to be mean or controlling, but because if we truly want THEM to be as healed as we are, they need the space to do the work.

You can be his friend if you choose in this time frame, but I think he needs time to process the end of his "crazy" time and rebuild himself.