Thanks - I should be drawing more often but my heart just isn't in it these days.
I have a lot more illustrations but I'm not sure if I should be posting them here or not - as we're supposed to strive for anonymity and since an artist wants to be generally known for their work, all arrows would point back to me.
Time to go to bed. Some days I feel like pulling the hide-a-bed out but most days it hurts to see his side empty... so I've been sleeping on the couch.
Tomorrow is errand-city... going to keep busy with the kids. Then H has said he's coming over for a bit after he gets off work for supper since he hasn't seen us in awhile.
Keep journalling your feelings and the sitch here but REALLY look at what Faith asked you.
It leads me to this:
You have a lot more illustrations.....
NOW more than ever you should pursue that. We both know that art (painting, music, etc) is an EMOTIONAL vent. And it's likely a HUGE part of who you were when you and he met....before kids, mortgages, etc.
That is exactly what Faith was talking about.
Find all the good stuff about you from 'then' and now simply work on the bad baggage and habits you accumulated and replace them with, new, smarter, DB relationship skills.
You'll find that DOING the things you lost (or gave up) will speed the 'original you" back into the present Lucky.
In essence, become a Lucky Greatest Hits CD!!
It may not save your M but it will certainly SAVE YOU!!
That's the most important things here AND the best way to save it if it can be saved.
Control is impossible Detach from the emotion of this Be your natural self Earn back your self-respect Assign responsibility equally Realize this process will improve you
Well today was interesting. Halfway through the day he said that he was going to be late for supper because he had some painting to do (prepping show suites) and that after that he was going to come over and buy us all ice cream.
I said "Okay - we won't wait for you to eat." He agreed.
A little while later he changed his mind and said "Change of plans, going to come over for supper, get ice cream and then leave to go paint. I'd rather spend more time with you guys."
Well, that sounded promising. Altho' I was aware that by positioning his painting after the kids go to bed that it ensures he leaves and doesn't have to spend the night here and/or can avoid me asking if he wants to stay for the night. Oh well... not going to sweat it. Like people keep saying to me here "He's going to do, what he's going to do."
And oh boy... was he moody when he got in for supper. Alternating between slight anger and sadness. I asked how his day was and he said "Been better." Something was chewing at him. Fortunately, I'm not about to dig... I know I'm not going to hit oil. Not now. Not while we're like this.
For supper and the walk to the ice cream store with the kids I remained upbeat and light. I did a pretty good job at it, if I may pat myself on the back. He was withdrawn. Bought us ice cream... didn't get any for himself. Helped me put the kids to bed. I kept conversation about the kids and what we did when we went away for the long weekend... our plans to come.
Steered clear of R talk. Totally clear. Closest I got was to ask him if he was okay once and to let him know that if he needed anything from me.. I'm here to talk to... as a friend. He said that he knew and that we "had to have a talk" but not tonight. (My friend the librarian-lady was coming over to watch a movie with me and he had to go paint so tonight wasn't a good night.)
Sounds like he wants to have a heavy talk. An R talk. He won't be back tomorrow but he will be back Thursday night.
I wonder if I should be worried. I'm not really... more curious now than worried. I'm starting to feel pretty zen about the whole situation. I'd like to think this is me evolving through my trial but I know this marathon isn't a straight line... it's a roller coaster.. I'm just in one of the calm spots right now.
Well... I've got Wednesday all to myself.. just me and the kids. We're just going to relax. Lots of tv... no errands.. no crazy running around. Just taking it easy. And no friends over tomorrow night... I want a night to myself. Time to recharge the batteries.
LOL....nah....we're all grownups around here. I'd say most of us totally understand and empathize! I know I do!
You are doing so well right now with 'staying the course'. NO NO NO NO NO R talk. Don't start it. Don't get sucked into it. Remember, you and I have found out first hand all it does is hurt US and we're already f-ing hurt enough without having the knife in our backs turned and salt rubbed in the wounds. That's how I keep myself now from doing R talk. I visualize knife and salt. LOL. It is working so far.
I am a person who will talk stuff to death - to my detriment. It's my biggest hurdle.
Lucky, it is SO hard to have WAS come and go -- still being there but not 'being there'. Last night W and I were playing with S, but right in the middle of a game, she was turning away and constantly texting OW. My heart just felt CRUSHED> She can't even be bothered to spend time with sweet little S without being all wrapped up in OW.
I haven't heard you mention much about K lately. Keep focusing on YOU and KIDS. You are definitely getting stronger. It's obvious to me. Stay the course. Update often!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
"And oh boy... was he moody when he got in for supper. Alternating between slight anger and sadness. I asked how his day was and he said "Been better." Something was chewing at him. Fortunately, I'm not about to dig... I know I'm not going to hit oil. Not now. Not while we're like this."
Remember this, ok. Don't dig. Don't ask. If he wants to be moody and stew about his own problems, let him. Detach Detach Detach.
You can do this Lucky!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I don't know if it's TMI right now but I totally miss sex. Oh my gosh...
You're not the first one who's said that around here.
Lucky, glad to hear it sounds like you're doing much better. You're definitely getting on the right track.
Originally Posted By: Luckycover
Steered clear of R talk. Totally clear.
Excellent job! Way to go!
Originally Posted By: Luckycover
Sounds like he wants to have a heavy talk. An R talk. He won't be back tomorrow but he will be back Thursday night.
This is a golden opportunity to listen and validate. Don't try to fix. Ask for clarification where needed. Don't criticize. You get the picture. Your stock will go up.
@Shock - Lol, yes... you are right we are all grown ups here... I'm just a frustrated grown-up.
No, I haven't mentioned K in awhile. With H not coming home at all anymore I'm not faced with K name drops and K chats and K instant messages, K this, K that. She's been out of sight, out of mind. Which is a relief.
Originally Posted By: jbnati
This is a golden opportunity to listen and validate. Don't try to fix. Ask for clarification where needed. Don't criticize. You get the picture. Your stock will go up.
Thank you so much, JB! I never thought of it this way! I was too busy worrying about the big heavy talk he wants to have Thursday night to see it from this perspective. I will now think of it as a golden opportunity instead of something to worry about.
Today is a nice simple, do nothing day with the kids. D4 just got her year four immunization shots today (she didn't cry, she was a champ!) and she's feeling pretty tired and a little woozy from the medication. So I don't think we'll be doing much except watching cartoons together. Just my speed.
No friends coming over tonight.. going to spend some time alone.
Tonight's the big night... he wants "to talk". *[censored] breath in*... I'm putting on my "power panties" and walking into this like a golden opportunity to raise my stock.. not like a mouse into a lion's den.
I highly doubt he's spending the night so I'm going to journal after he leaves and get a lot of what is going to be dumped on my heart out there. Will be back in a few hours, I expect.
I don't know where this is all going... I feel so defeated and empty... not a lot of fight left in me. Some days I'm feeling like I just want this to be over. Some days not. As I read somewhere around here... I'm striving for "consistency of emotion".
Oh, and in other news.. my doctor gave me a month's worth of expensive anti-depressants.. for free! Good, I wasn't going to be able to afford them for much longer. Then she's moving me to a lower grade and less expensive prescription which she wants me to be on until March. I must say, they've certainly helped.. I feel melancholy now instead of in black, tearful despair.
Well, here I go. I'm going to read the 37 rules again, leave work and cross my fingers.
Oh my gosh...
You're not the first one who's said that around here.