Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[In_Shock]

You think so? I know they do have to keep confidentiality and all that but I can't help but feel funny knowing that C has heard ALL (literally) sides of this sitch. Also, I am concerned b/c C is not supportive in my DBing efforts!

[jbnati]

Also, I am concerned b/c C is not supportive in my DBing efforts!

Shock, I'd be very concerned about this. It sounds like that would hamper your efforts here. You may want to consider searching for Solution Based Therapy on the Internet in your area. Cs are human beings. They have to protect your confidentiality, but it's hard to protect the subconscious. JMVHO.

[In_Shock]

yes, that's what I'm thinking too jb. I DO NOT want C to undermine my DBing efforts. C does NOT understand what this is all about.

I know EXACTLY what you mean about the subconscious also. That's kind of what I was thinking and trying to figure out a way to say. If C knows all sides, C is going to have an opinion. C's are human.

I looked for solution based therapy and cannot find anything in my area, but I'm going to keep trying.

[jbnati]

I think there's some suggestions in finding a C in DR that may apply if you can't find a Solution Based Therapist. Unfortunately, there may be some trial and error involved.

[25yearsmlc]

mary

(sorry for the long winded post here but you touched on a few things in your past few posts...)

You ask some good questions about the pro marriage counselors...

But you, OW and your w all see the same C??? WTH?

OMG I can't believe you all have the same c! Um, hello? I'm a L and cannot ethically see the same parties to a conflict. She should have discontinued c one or more of you. Whoever began seeing her first can stay OR since you have a kid, I'd have given the boot to OW....

Ethically I'm surprised she can "treat" all of you. Well, imo, she cannot ethically do so. Enough said.

Finding a solution based t is tricky. The 2nd to last mc we had simply told me to accept what is and that h was "acting like a single man". I liked her but she focussed on helping me see how lost H was, rather than what I could DO with my life. Of course, maybe I wasnt' ready to hear what I was to do, b/c I kept obsessing about "why, why?" And what H was all about, etc.

I took a few months off of MCing. I then began with a new male mc for the first time. I went alone but a couple I knew had used him and both parties (h and w) liked him.

H always believed I had "brainwashed" the previous mc's b/c they believed he was being selfish, etc. They didn't address our interactions together b/c it seemed h went b/c he wanted them to tell me to go along with it and I went for the opposite. IOW, we went with the idea of changing the other's mind about moving again. Never works when you go to fix the other person.

ANYHOW, after taking a few months off, I began seeing the new male mc and liked him. Had a feeling if h ever met him, they'd get along (which ended up being true).

So back then, as I was seeing the MC alone and getting a lot out of it, I just told him that I found these books and this site and wanted to act in accordance with DBing ALTHOUGH I'd listen to MC's opinion if he disagreed. (He never really did.)

Seemed it would mostly was in alignment with his advice and he agreed. He also read the DB book after I gave him the downlow as I saw it. I believe he now uses it in his MC and he's kind of a big time celebrity around here so that's cool for me to know.

SIDENOTE-- He said that I could and should try hard to save the m but Not to do it if it was due to fear of me being alone. Said that wasn't realistic. That Made me feel a lot better ego wise.

And his clarity as a man was good for me. Not so much about the feelings...more about what TO DO to help...which is a DB way to be, really.


So to answer you Mary, I suggest that you ask a mc you already have a good feeling about, how they feel about the solution based t (my mc guy seemed relieved we wouldn't keep going on about WHY WHY WHY H was doing what he was doing, ya know? )

If you connect with the mc over the phone when you interview them, or if you begin seeing them and felt connected, then ask them if they know of this approach (MWD has been on Oprah and advertised more than when I did this) and what they feel about it.

Hey Mary, there's nothing wrong with also getting the mc's insights into YOU for making YOUR changes. They help! And DB coaches are more about the R itself. You need both. I sure did.

Mary are you on the east coast? I ask b/c of that workshop I mentioned.
A 4 day workshop is a nice efficient way to help jumpstart the healing.

I recall a cute woman at the workshop I attended and I really liked her. We had nothing, on the surface, in common. I learned so much about the many types of people my educationaly snobbism had prevented me from knowing...anyhow, her h had left her for OW. She fell apart and questioned her very worthiness.

At one point when she felt totally safe, and supported, she simply asked the most painful question:
"If I'm such a good person, then WHY did the person who knows me best, leave me?"

Ouch...while we think THAT is the question...it's not. That's the thing we tell ourselves that keeps us mired in self inflicted muck. The question is "what do we do NOW?"

True, we all have flaws and ought to work on those. And there are some LBSers around here who kind of pushed their spouses into the arms of the OP. I concede that.

Mary, don't go there. I think you played a part in this, yes, and I've said that. But stop the beating yourself up for 2 reasons. 1)Keeps you stuck and NOT working on you; and 2) in your case it's not accurate anyhow. Why?

B/c the teenage behavior of your w isn't your fault. IN a way I'm glad you see that behavior w/ the texting excessively, b/c you know what, there's NO way that is YOUR fault...


Mary, can you see that since a lot of this is new behavior on her end, it cannot possibly be all you?

Keep that in mind b/c it can help you detach and leave her to her "task"...which is the discovery that the grass is greener where it gets the watering. Now you know that, so you'll keep your side of the grass green!

(To be fair, would you really have started this make over if she had simply told you she wanted/needed it? Hadn't she tried before? So I think you'll understand when I say some describe this as the worst best thing that ever happened in their lives...make sense?)


Don't mean to ramble but I hope that helps.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

if you can't get the "solution based" then ask specifically about Div Busting

and then try saying "pro marriage"... (not all about how I feel this month)


they'll all SAY they are pro marriage but it still helps them know what YOU are looking for. As we know, some WASs come in and want validation for leaving...so it's important they know your goal in the c process.

[In_Shock]

25 - amazing as always. Nuggets the size of Mars in wisdom. This part stuck out to me --

[i]"If I'm such a good person, then WHY did the person who knows me best, leave me?"

Yes, that is my question. It totally reduces my self-esteem and self-worth. Even though I'm highly educated, intelligent, successful in my field, etc.... this loss of R just knocks the wind out of me. WHY am I not enough? Why would someone who has seen me at my best and worst leave? Yes, yes, yes. That's how I feel! But then you come back with this:

Ouch...while we think THAT is the question...it's not. That's the thing we tell ourselves that keeps us mired in self inflicted muck. The question is "what do we do NOW?"[/i] And this made me think -- I obsess and ruminate all the time over what I did- why couldn't i be enough? etc.... when all that is doing is weighting me down in the proverbial quicksand as I keep thrashing around aimlessly waiting for an answer. I need to just --- let go --- and stabilize. quit sinking. I guess that's a real basic of DB.

[Rick1963]

"Also, I am concerned b/c C is not supportive in my DBing efforts!" That maybe a problem. One of the 1st questions I asked my C if she was familiar with DBing ans she said yes and she also said to have met MWD. So I feel comfortable.

[In_Shock]

Again from 25 -- (i really need to learn how to quote properly)


B/c the teenage behavior of your w isn't your fault. IN a way I'm glad you see that behavior w/ the texting excessively, b/c you know what, there's NO way that is YOUR fault


yes, this recent behavior is a very very very different behavior from my W of 13 years.... She had friends when we met = a few good ones. But over the years she seemed to see them less and less.... Until the last couple of months W always told me "I just don't really like people anymore" --didn't seem to want friends. Said she was around people all day and didn't want to be around them any more at the end of the day....blah blah blah.... and I believed her. (She is a C and has to hear some horror stories all day!)

She's got a really good personality - people just love her. She's kind, generous, a good listener, and very caring.

She says now that I made her feel as if she couldn't have friends, so she didn't. (I have explained and owned that earlier in my thread. I was jealous, came across as controlling when i didn't even KNOW what I was doing was controlling. Live and learn so much!)

But yes, this newfound incessant teenage texting, constant contact... Carrying the phone everywhere, even to put S4 to bed.... I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel if I'd been able to grow faster...she wouldn't have looked elsewhere for emotional comfort. I really did try, but too slow she says

She says she has emotional needs that I haven't been able to meet -- intellectual that I am .... this has indeed come up during the past years, but like i said, she told me as recently as the last (and i do mean LAST) R talk the other night how much progress I've made....emotionally how i've grown.

W: I just can't sit here and wait 5 years or so for you to catch up to me. OW is way ahead of even me emotionally.

So apparently OW is giving her this 'effortless' emotional connection. I'm kind of p!ssed at this because my emotional growth has been something I've really made an effort at and been very proud of -- and now leaving me instead of waiting for me to 'catch up' to her. Bleahhh.

[25yearsmlc]

Again from 25 -- (i really need to learn how to quote properly)

Instead of pushing the "reply" button to post, click on "quote" and then you can post where you want around or in the quote. (But use different font or color)

B/c the teenage behavior of your w isn't your fault. IN a way I'm glad you see that behavior w/ the texting excessively, b/c you know what, there's NO way that is YOUR fault


yes, this recent behavior is a very very very different behavior from my W of 13 years.... She had friends when we met = a few good ones. But over the years she seemed to see them less and less.... Until the last couple of months W always told me "I just don't really like people anymore" --didn't seem to want friends. Said she was around people all day and didn't want to be around them any more at the end of the day....blah blah blah.... and I believed her. (She is a C and has to hear some horror stories all day!)

She's got a really good personality - people just love her. She's kind, generous, a good listener, and very caring.

She says now that I made her feel as if she couldn't have friends, so she didn't. (I have explained and owned that earlier in my thread. I was jealous, came across as controlling when i didn't even KNOW what I was doing was controlling. Live and learn so much!)

But yes, this newfound incessant teenage texting, constant contact... Carrying the phone everywhere, even to put S4 to bed.... I know it's not my fault, but I can't help but feel if I'd been able to grow faster...she wouldn't have looked elsewhere for emotional comfort. I really did try, but too slow she says

She says she has emotional needs that I haven't been able to meet -- intellectual that I am .... this has indeed come up during the past years, but like i said, she told me as recently as the last (and i do mean LAST) R talk the other night how much progress I've made....emotionally how i've grown.

W: I just can't sit here and wait 5 years or so for you to catch up to me. OW is way ahead of even me emotionally.

PPPLLLLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE^^^more cliched Alien spew...blah blah blah...BORED NOW!! Please, tell her to at least be original! (Just kidding. Say nothing of the sort, merely think it...)

So apparently OW is giving her this 'effortless' emotional connection.

Oh btw, this ^^ is temporary crap. And I seriously doubt the intellectual that you are, is something that OW can match, and missing that will be a drag down the road if your w is a smartypants too. That "still waters run deep" only goes so far. At some point your w will want that VERBAL connection too and when OW babbles stupidly or has that blank stare, your w will start wondering what the heck she has done.


I'm kind of p!ssed at this because my emotional growth has been something I've really made an effort at and been very proud of -- and now leaving me instead of waiting for me to 'catch up' to her. Bleahhh.

Stop rushing your expectations. And who said your w is ahead of YOU?

Remember, you are the one who has grown/is growing.

Your w wanting to leave the R is no indication of growth...you doing this work IS.

Let's hope SHE can catch up to YOU!