Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Why is it their responsibility?

She is having her mail forwarded to their house until she gets back.

Leave it where it is. She can deal with it when she gets back.
Not your problem.

I could do this, but in a way I feel like I'd be engaging in passive aggressive behavior.

Also, she has been pretty good about dropping off any bills that accidentally arrived at her place - the post office decided we had BOTH moved because one of us moved.

[aeolianchaos]

Huh.

Had a weird dream this morning about getting in a big fight w/ WAW's parents over all this stuff.

Weird part was that in my dream I was saying things like "I'm sorry you don't feel like you're being heard or validated." to her parents?

In the dream we were beginning to move towards R. For some reason WAW was staying a hotel and her parents were in a different hotel. Neither of these hotels were in my city. Getting in this fight seemed to represent a step backwards.

I felt like I had allowed myself to get sucked into an argument I didn't want to get sucked into.

I have noticed I dream about WAW almost every night lately. Wonder what thats about.

[♪CS♪]

I had a dream once where I was in a pool of tomato sauce.

Best not dwell.

[LearningPatience]

I just woke up from a nap where I was dreaming I was taking a nap... I think I saw a movie like that once

[ESN]

aeoli - it's just unconscious stuff moving around.. into your subconscious and then all coded (so it's hard to say unless you were a really good dream interpreter - my IC is an amazing one - so maybe talk to your IC about it).

I had lots of dreams about exBF last night. It makes sense.

[aeolianchaos]

journaling:

Going to help my Sis and BIL move into their new place next weekend - little road trip. Try to squeeze in an IC appt. while I'm out there. It's been about a month since my last and while I'm feeling pretty darn stable I feel like it might be good to check in.

Read "What Color is Your Parachute" this weekend - since my big GAL activity is figuring out some job options and learning more about how to get them. Interesting book and I definitely got a lot out of it - going back and doing the 'exercises' in it now. Its amazing how many random skills I've picked up over the years. Actually, I've learned a lot of new 'stuff' since May. Funny how that works.

Told my landlords I'll be out of the apt. Oct 1st. So I have a literal GAL activity of finding a place to live. Fortunately, I don't have too much furniture to move at this point.

Meditating a lot lately, and that is.

[ESN]

You sound great!!!!! And congrats on the new apt. I didn't know you were planning to move, but that's a great idea! You're really doing amazing!

[aeolianchaos]

Just checking in.

Had a really good week - spent a lot of time visiting with family and helping my sister and BIL move into their house. It's a nice first home and its more than enough space for 2 people. Spent a good chunk of time painting walls and just hanging out. I love moving into new places and creating in that way.. I was able to help them fix up some veneer on an old art deco cabinet and came up with some neat solutions to some other furniture related problems. I like being able to help out like that.

Had a good visit with IC - mostly focused on how the whole job thing was going and any resistance or reluctance I'm still experiencing with pursuing jobs. Thats a work in progress, although it stalled a little this past weekend..

She feels like I'm doing really well with all the WAW related stuff and thinks I've staked out a healthy position with moving forward with my life and leaving the door open for R for the time being. As long as I'm not putting my life or happiness on hold waiting for WAW or having any unrealistic expectations, I think it's a pretty good place to be for the moment.

One thing that was interesting, though: the past week or so I've noticed some strong feelings that seem like disgust or something along those lines: just kind of disturbed by what seems to me to be a lack of integrity on the part of WAW. Sometimes when those thoughts 'spiral,' I find myself pondering things like the possibility she has been lying to everyone and telling them I kicked her out and I had the affair or stuff like that. Anything to protect her 'image.' It really doesn't matter though - just new thoughts I'm having and not much emotional response to them. See below.

The job stress feels bigger than the D stress for me at this point - since its been a couple weeks of NC now, most of my WAW related thoughts are very passing and sometimes I laugh at myself for thinking them and getting pulled in a little bit. It's like some perverse game of whack-a-mole with my thoughts.

[ESN]

Good to hear your update. Great great progress. Wow. You're my inspiration!

[aeolianchaos]

Been a while since I updated.

So, WAW contacted me today over online chat. Conversation was kind of long -- like almost 2 hours. I'll put the bits that seem most important up here and perhaps put that helmet on.

I realize this will be epic.. in fact I will split it up into multiple posts. I'll put those bits up, and then my own thoughts.

The Duet: As performed by Aeolian Chaos and his WAW

Part I: The Approach

WAW: hey how are you?
Aeolian Chaos: I'm good. What's up?
WAW: I just got back tuesday- I'm sorry I havent written
I actually have a post card that I got you, from a miro exhibit I saw in London, that I never sent-
Aeolian Chaos: Cool.
WAW: well, my parents are going to bring THE CAT this weekend, so if you have the litter box still...I can come by and pick it up
I also have a cable bill...
Aeolian Chaos: Alright. When would you like to do that?
WAW: I'm free after 5 tomorrow
or today whenever
Aeolian Chaos: I've got a thing tomorrow evening. I can put her box on the fire escape or something.
WAW: I understand
Aeolian Chaos: ?
WAW: I guess I just wanted to see you
and at least say hi
its unrealistic of me I think
Aeolian Chaos: What is unrealistic?
WAW: that we could eventually be friends
I saw Mutual Friend in London...
Aeolian Chaos: How is he?
WAW: he's great
seems really happy
he surprised me
it was wonderful
I was very wary about how our mutual friends were going to react
or what they would think of me
but he's such a good person- and he cares about us both, and wants us to be happy
Aeolian Chaos: I haven't talked to him since April. But I'm glad he is doing well.
What do you think of you?
WAW: I still feel a lot of shame-
and I'm still a bit lost
Aeolian Chaos: What do you mean by lost?
WAW: about what kind of person I want to be
what tendencies I have...reactions I have...
I'm try to be observant of what I think
trying*
Aeolian Chaos: You feel like you don't understand your reactions and how you end up reacting the way you do? Is that what you mean?
WAW: I think yes
and are my reactions a product of the kind of person I am
and is that changable
Aeolian Chaos: Can you give me an example?
WAW: the fact that I do think i need attention, or re assurance, emotionally, musically...personally, in order for me to feel more stable and assure of myself
and when that comes in to question, I react with panic, internally
Aeolian Chaos: So you feel like when you don't receive validation from others, you get reactive and start to question yourself?
WAW: yes
Aeolian Chaos: Would it be accurate to say you start to feel destabilized?
WAW: yes