Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[25yearsmlc]

mary

(sorry for the long winded post here but you touched on a few things in your past few posts...)

You ask some good questions about the pro marriage counselors...

But you, OW and your w all see the same C??? WTH?

OMG I can't believe you all have the same c! Um, hello? I'm a L and cannot ethically see the same parties to a conflict. She should have discontinued c one or more of you. Whoever began seeing her first can stay OR since you have a kid, I'd have given the boot to OW....

Ethically I'm surprised she can "treat" all of you. Well, imo, she cannot ethically do so. Enough said.

Finding a solution based t is tricky. The 2nd to last mc we had simply told me to accept what is and that h was "acting like a single man". I liked her but she focussed on helping me see how lost H was, rather than what I could DO with my life. Of course, maybe I wasnt' ready to hear what I was to do, b/c I kept obsessing about "why, why?" And what H was all about, etc.

I took a few months off of MCing. I then began with a new male mc for the first time. I went alone but a couple I knew had used him and both parties (h and w) liked him.

H always believed I had "brainwashed" the previous mc's b/c they believed he was being selfish, etc. They didn't address our interactions together b/c it seemed h went b/c he wanted them to tell me to go along with it and I went for the opposite. IOW, we went with the idea of changing the other's mind about moving again. Never works when you go to fix the other person.

ANYHOW, after taking a few months off, I began seeing the new male mc and liked him. Had a feeling if h ever met him, they'd get along (which ended up being true).

So back then, as I was seeing the MC alone and getting a lot out of it, I just told him that I found these books and this site and wanted to act in accordance with DBing ALTHOUGH I'd listen to MC's opinion if he disagreed. (He never really did.)

Seemed it would mostly was in alignment with his advice and he agreed. He also read the DB book after I gave him the downlow as I saw it. I believe he now uses it in his MC and he's kind of a big time celebrity around here so that's cool for me to know.

SIDENOTE-- He said that I could and should try hard to save the m but Not to do it if it was due to fear of me being alone. Said that wasn't realistic. That Made me feel a lot better ego wise.

And his clarity as a man was good for me. Not so much about the feelings...more about what TO DO to help...which is a DB way to be, really.


So to answer you Mary, I suggest that you ask a mc you already have a good feeling about, how they feel about the solution based t (my mc guy seemed relieved we wouldn't keep going on about WHY WHY WHY H was doing what he was doing, ya know? )

If you connect with the mc over the phone when you interview them, or if you begin seeing them and felt connected, then ask them if they know of this approach (MWD has been on Oprah and advertised more than when I did this) and what they feel about it.

Hey Mary, there's nothing wrong with also getting the mc's insights into YOU for making YOUR changes. They help! And DB coaches are more about the R itself. You need both. I sure did.

Mary are you on the east coast? I ask b/c of that workshop I mentioned.
A 4 day workshop is a nice efficient way to help jumpstart the healing.

I recall a cute woman at the workshop I attended and I really liked her. We had nothing, on the surface, in common. I learned so much about the many types of people my educationaly snobbism had prevented me from knowing...anyhow, her h had left her for OW. She fell apart and questioned her very worthiness.

At one point when she felt totally safe, and supported, she simply asked the most painful question:
"If I'm such a good person, then WHY did the person who knows me best, leave me?"

Ouch...while we think THAT is the question...it's not. That's the thing we tell ourselves that keeps us mired in self inflicted muck. The question is "what do we do NOW?"

True, we all have flaws and ought to work on those. And there are some LBSers around here who kind of pushed their spouses into the arms of the OP. I concede that.

Mary, don't go there. I think you played a part in this, yes, and I've said that. But stop the beating yourself up for 2 reasons. 1)Keeps you stuck and NOT working on you; and 2) in your case it's not accurate anyhow. Why?

B/c the teenage behavior of your w isn't your fault. IN a way I'm glad you see that behavior w/ the texting excessively, b/c you know what, there's NO way that is YOUR fault...


Mary, can you see that since a lot of this is new behavior on her end, it cannot possibly be all you?

Keep that in mind b/c it can help you detach and leave her to her "task"...which is the discovery that the grass is greener where it gets the watering. Now you know that, so you'll keep your side of the grass green!

(To be fair, would you really have started this make over if she had simply told you she wanted/needed it? Hadn't she tried before? So I think you'll understand when I say some describe this as the worst best thing that ever happened in their lives...make sense?)


Don't mean to ramble but I hope that helps.

((( )))