I'm Still Here Pt Deux

[~¤DG¤~]

Copy of my last journal entry from last night:

Journaling---

Today was uneventful for the most part. Spent a good majority of it watching TV and relaxing. I did get some domestic things done around the house and went for a walk, but that was the extent of it.

A good friend of mine and her bf have decided to break up. He started moving his stuff out today so I went over there to be with her because she was so upset. I hate this. I hate that we all have to experience such pain. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart.
On my way home, I couldn't help but think about my H. About how much I miss him. About how many times I came home from work with him waiting anxiously to see me and I blew him off. The dishes were more important. Laundry had to be done. Pretty much everything was a priority.
What I wouldn't give for the opportunity to have him be here, to come home and throw my arms around him and kiss him and tell him how much I had missed him while I was at work.
I miss so much. Lying in bed together, him walking behind me with his arms around me while I pushed the cart at the grocery store.
The crazy silly videos he would send me through out the day if I was having a bad day at work.

Yes, we had rough times. Very rough times. We also had great times. I used to say he was my one and only and he'd say I was his only and one.

As I sit here writing all of this with tears streaming down my face, all I want is one more chance. Just one more to show him how much he is loved and missed and that I will never, ever take him for granted again. All those times he professed his love for me but it was never good enough. I was in an emotional coma and I couldn't see anything but myself, and my own pain.
I was so selfish.

I know it is pointless to beat myself up over something I can't change, but I'm feeling hopeless & helpless at the same time. More than ANYTHING I just want my H to come home. To rebuild with me.
I know, I know. I want, I want, I want.

I'm feeling very broken tonight. I could use some prayers.

Today I am feeling a bit better, although not by much.
I'm exhausted from all the drama. I HATE having drama in my life.

Maybe one reason I'm struggling so much is because I am cutting down the frequency that I see my C from weekly to bi-weekly. I have to learn to stand on my own 2 feet.
On Saturday I am going to a wedding...solo. How lame is that?

[JustStunned]

DG, doing things alone that one used to do as a couple is not lame. It is courageous! It is something I am still struggling with, but as with all of the other steps we take it gets a little easier each time.

It is you telling yourself I am ok just being me. I can happily stand on my own.

A wedding is huge. It is something I have yet to work up to.

Go and I hope you have a good time. Find the positives in the experience, use them as building blocks

[Still learning]

DG, sorry you're having such a hard week. Anyone you could lean on who will be at the wedding? Could you volunteer for a job at the wedding or reception? I do that sometimes - gives me something to do and makes me meet a few people.

[~¤DG¤~]

I'm not worried about going by myself. The person getting married I have known for many years and will know a lot of people who are there. I am sure I will have a good time. There will be a lot of people there whom I haven't seen in a long time who probably won't recognize me since I've lost so much weight. If people ask me about H, I am just going to tell them we are apart and leave it at that.

[OmegaZed]

That's exactly the mentality to have. Just because you're going on your own doesn't mean you're alone. You have support here, you have your counselor and I'm pretty sure you have your friends and family as well. In short, we are never truly alone.

- KC

[jbnati]

It is you telling yourself I am ok just being me. I can happily stand on my own.

I agree. It's not lame at all. It's a sign of strength.

There will be a lot of people there whom I haven't seen in a long time who probably won't recognize me since I've lost so much weight.

I am sure that'll make you feel really good!!!

[~¤DG¤~]

I do have 2 dresses I am debating on, and a friend who is a hairstylist who is going to do my hair for me. I may have short hair, but she knows how to make it look awesome. I am actually kind of excited to go.
My hope is that someone will talk to my H and say "I saw DG and she looked GOOD."

Ok so I wrote about how my bf and her fiancé broke up yesterday and he moved out. Well today they met and had a long talk and have decided that they want to work things out. Of course I am happy and hopeful that they can work through this because I feel like they really love one another, but I am also a little jealous because I would give anything for that opportunity.

[~¤DG¤~]

Depressed again this morning. Sigh.....

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

I was up pretty late thinking about things and writing in my journal, and I have made some decisions about things. They are as follows:

- I will no longer contact him for any reason.
- I will keep him on my health insurance for the remainder of 2011, but will make sure he is removed for 2012
- I will return his mail to the post office as 'no longer at this address'
- I will continue to go to therapy and work on myself
- I will try my damnedest to be happy

[a girl]

Me too - wonder if there's something in the air.

I think looking at what you can do will help you feel better - unfortunately, the other thing that it takes is time.

I sure with time would hurry up.