New and Suffering

[Accuray]

Update: My W and I are overall on a good track, but there are definitely ups and downs. My W is not interested in IC or MC, and just wants to move forward.

Because of the long term EA, I keep feeling compelled to ask if I know everything that happened, and to keep going back through the evidence I originally found whenever I'm alone. Each time I go back I find additional little things I didn't notice before and feel compelled to ask about them, which upsets my W because it makes her feel guilty and sad, and that I think the worst of her.

I received an ultimatum of sorts this week that I need to stop bringing up the past and focus on the "now" and the future. I was told I have to trust, that my W was not just some person running around having EA's for fun, that she's someone I know and did it because she was unhappy.

I was thinking about that, and because I had no idea it was going on and never thought my W would be capable of it, in many ways I don't feel like I know her anymore, and my trust HAS been shaken. I also question how much I know myself since I was so unaware.

I desperately want this to be successful and for my W to be happy, but I get sad and have a hard time shaking myself out of my worst thoughts without discussing them. I've been trying to keep it to myself, but my W says that I'm too easy to see through, and wants to know what's bothering me and won't let me off the hook until I spill it.

One challenge is that she has not been good about "cleaning up" her e-mail, phone, computer, etc., so any time I go looking there is lots to find, although fortunately nothing since the bomb dropped. She assures me that if anyone contacts her she will tell me, and that she will not reach out. At the same time, if I put myself in her shoes, it would be so much easier to try to sweep it under the rug and NOT tell me if she feels it's just innocent. How can I trust that she will tell me, knowing that telling me will lead to some degree of pain, while keeping it secret will likely go unnoticed?

Having a very hard time putting everything behind me and focusing on the future, but I know I have to do it if there is to be a future. How do people get through this without pulling their W down the drain with them whenever they get triggered? IC is too infrequent and very expensive.

Very hard