Thought it would be done by now...part 2

[AJM]

Life, that is one of the hardest question someone who has been wronged ever has to answer. Know what? There are plenty of good people out there. And you'll find one. But you know what? That won't happen unless and until you learn to be happy on your own. Seriously. Some people (men and women, I can tell you) think of others as a "conquest" to be had. That's their problem to deal with. But they are not the norm - just the talked about in part because they are different.

Can you protect yourself from somebody else doing what H did? Yes. How? Learn to stand on your own and be happy on your own. You'll then find that people will gravitate towards you in a way that you never before saw. Or at least haven't in years.

As for your guilt? There may be some truth in that but it is not enough reason for H to leave I'm sure. Your desire to be part of the marriage tells me that you loved him and you could have worked things out. You were willing at one point. Deal with the true issues and not the issues he reflects at you because many of those are distorted to make himself feel better. So that he has a story to tell others that will allow him to be accepted so to speak. Look at yourself and change the things you see that you do NOT like. We all go through that

One thing to keep in mind is the dynamic. H may have been part of the reason you reacted the way you did to certain situations. You don't live in a vacuum. H may have been leaving for a longer time than you give credit for. Identify those reactions vs. who you really are. Identify who you really are adjust those things you don't like about you and only you. That will keep you busy for a while I'm sure, but part of that is going to be tuning out the noise from H.

As for the lawyer - well, hang on. You'll be surprised at what you see. Lawyers have a way of instigating and amplifying the negative when it comes to divorce. Many do, but not all. Be careful of your own lawyer and don't let them play with your emotions. I personally went through several to find one that would not play with my emotions but rather stick to the business at hand and look out for me. Mostly so I wouldn't have to. It's what we pay them for. I found a few, but I found many others during interviews that wanted to play with emotions. Not fun, but worth asking around about people and listening to what they value and what they say about lawyers.

My situation? I almost lost my mind during much of the worst of it. That started years before I became aware I think. I look back and realize I really lost me during this. I barely knew me because I had adjusted in an attempt to keep her happy. That was a losing battle to say the least - not my place to do that. I know that now.

Let me ask you something. Would you really be happy if H is miserable? For more than a few minutes? I suspect not, but it's a good question to ask yourself because if you love somebody you don't really want to see them miserable right? The trick here is that you have to realize you cannot control that for him, but you can control your thoughts and emotions. With practice of course.

For me, I had to break things up into pieces (an elephant is best eaten in pieces right?). I had to get past the part where she left the kids, blamed me, and really poisoned so much about our past. I watched as she re-remembered our past in a distorted way. When she didn't quite like the story, I watched as she erased that and came up with a new one. It was maddening and stopping thinking about it really helped me. Getting away from her and the insanity and anger and venom really helped the most. It gave me time to gain perspective and realize her choices really had very little to do with me. That the accusations, while based in fact, were distorted to almost unrecognizable images. I realized along the way it wasn't me she was hurting any longer and it wasn't me she left. It was the image she devised that she left. It was more of her past than it was of me. I can't control that and you can't control H's decisions. Only he can and you can and should let him without interference.

Your job... what are you doing for work? Sounds like you are starting something new perhaps?

AJ