Why thank you Kaffe. I was rather confident that I was traversing the right frame of mind, although it had been brought up that maybe I'm being "cold". I'm sure that's quite possible, but after chasing after my wife for almost a year I just stopped and looked behind me and noticed nobody chasing me and that running after her got me no closer to her. I suppose you could say I didn't move forward or backwards - I hung left and thought I'd see where that takes me.
My mind set has helped me with the kids. My oldest son has all but stopped asking me about my marriage. I think I was obviously distressed about our relationship and now that I'm in a more happy place and the kids seem to be picking up on that.
I too got the - "you don't buy anything for us". Seeing as how my W was buying things for them and allowing them to do things she normally wouldn't have in the past, they accused me. I sat my son down and wrote out what was deposited in my account each paycheck and then wrote down all the bills I have to pay, car, CC, electric, internet, etc. and was able to show him what I spend and where. I also make the kids come with me each paycheck to the grocery store and we shop on a tight budget so that they can learn the value of money and planning ahead.
I dream with my oldest son and keep him informed of my efforts to clear the debt I can clear and what I hope to do with the freed up money. In the mean time if they want something - go ask their mom. The challenge of finding "free" activities to do that would keep active kids involved was tough at first, but now days they enjoy just going to the park for a short hike or just throwing a ball around. All the while I point out things around us that we can appreciate such as the weather or smells in the air. I guess I'm just more aware of what's around me and I see more clearly when others appear oblivious.
And yes - homework is drama. According to my wife when she helped my oldest with homework he was on the honor role. I never argue that that's pretty easy to do when you're in the 3-4 grade and you're doing most all of his homework for him. I'm dealing with 5-6 grade assignments and recently diagnosed ADD so I have to be very patient and try to find a way similar to what he's being taught in school. This is the one stiking point that causes me strife. If he doesn't make the honor role the wife sees me as the failure. If he misses an assignment it's my fault. It's very frustrating. My son is already struggling in two classes and I'm trying to work with the teachers on ways I can help him and keeping the W included in all email correspondance. If she can't believe what I'm telling her, maybe she can believe what she sees - or at least half of it.
"...Lastly, on the "too little, too late" I realized a while back how that saying is actually not about the LBS... rather it appears to be a statement that the WAS/MLCer feels they've moved too far away and caused too much damage that FOR THEM, it's too late and would be too hard... not to say it's true, just how they feel..." -> very profound words.
Your words make so much sense. "too little, too late" implies in the LBS that we must try harder which in turn pushes our spouse away. I also see where it would be a lot of work for them and that it's easier to just end things. They can't seem to believe for a moment that both partners failed to maintain the marriage and that if both parties are in line to really work on re-establishing what was lost, they can make small miracles into large ones.
Holiday season is coming. It's going to get hard for a few months. In-laws are watching from the sidelines tentatively. We spend the holidays with them and last year was rough for me, but i'm interested in this year will go. I'd like ot see how far I really have come. All have expressed their support for me, but I'm careful to keep them out. I need to do this for me. It's very comforting that they care about me the way they do. We're all just kind of waiting/watching how the W will unfold. I just happen to have a front row seat.
