I'm in shock, found out he has pursued OW, help

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you ...25years. Because of your post i stood strong tonight.

My h told me he wanted to give us a second chance. I just said..."i dont know. Have to think anout it"


WELL DONE!!! You are not doing this to punish him. You are just revealing the fact that there IS some risk to his behavior. Obviously (well, NOT so obvious to the MLCer though) is that a LBS is hurt & won't endure that forever. Otherwise it's hard for the MLCerto see any downside to their endless indecision....make sense?

I wanted to jump at the chance more than anything...but I didnt. I wanted to feel hopeful but instead i feel sick.

I get that^^...understood. It does get better.

I'm extremely scared and cautious. Knowing the mind of the mlc'er...he could fall back into the tunnel tomorrow. Maybe i am the rebound for ow. He is sad, does not feel he can be with her now...secret is out...the excitement fizzled. She is out of the country... I'm here. Just speculating.

How did he go from being angry about me uncovering ow, to wanting a second chance? This just does not feel logical nor based in reality.

welcome to the world of the MLCer...

my single biggest regret (and I have many) is the amount of time I spent on trying to understand what I now believe is fairly incomprehensible.

I focussed SO MUCH ON HIM instead of caring for me, and my kids. I kept asking myself, and every person I could ask this of,

"WHY???" And other unanswerables like "when will it be over? What will happen? How will HE feel? What is HE thinking/doing/planning/feeling?"

Sense a pattern CT? All about HIM...not what I wanted or needed or could do to be happy THEN or what I could do to create a better more fulfilling life for me and my kids...

I wish I had done that sooner b/c it sure felt better than NOT doing it.

I wish to God I had cared for myself better and faster. I can't say exactly what matterd the most to h, and or when. I just know that as soon as I felt better and safer "no matter what", well, first off, I FELT BETTER!

second, that inner feeling of well being or peace within, does make us radiate something that MLCers seem attracted to. Actually most people are attracted to those who seem to have it together inside. You know?

As for h, can't say exactly when but for sure I noticed a shift after he moved up to the great north and found himself, predictably, alone a lot. I was here with our girls in our home in a warm sunny area with friends and a future. I began to really GAL and enjoy the upsides of his being gone. Little things at first, like watching chick flicks when I wanted and not worrying about a toilet seat being up. Sounds silly but it helped to notice this and embrace the little "improvements"...plus I had d's at home with me.

Then bigger things, like not caring about h's career and where to live FOR HIM was huge and liberating for me...finally...

H was doing whatever he was doing in his new "cutting edge" "GREAT JOB"...which he left his family for.

I had a feeling he felt he had a mission. (Hard to explain but I know he had a "task" to accomplish which he needed, insanely, to do. NOT something I'll ever agree with, but it was what it was).

We had seen many mc's and they pretty much told me, in front of h, that h was "acting like a single man" or a "man who values his career over his family." Ouch.

I hated hearing things I could do nothing about, which is why it's HUGELY important to dig deep and hope to God you do find flaws in you that you want to work on. Why? B/c then there's something you can do. You're not powerless. I dug deep and not so deep and there was plenty I could do to become a better woman. Still is.


Anyhow, when that task of h's was accomplished I thought he might wake up. Sure enough that happened. As if he suddenly noticed no one was there with him.

When he had visited us here 3000 miles south, (and see if any of this can apply with you)

I did my best to contrast the negatives he had said or felt, with positives. Intuitively I had not wanted to do that. i wanted to punish him for leaving.
Felt I should not be warm and fuzzy b/c after all, he had wronged me and I'd be rewarding him.

BUT the thing is, 1) that didn't work, while he was here being nasty and
so

2) I needed to try a different approach. So I gave him something to miss.

We had warm fun times when he was here and our children were with me here living their lives...and then he'd fly back to the tundra/adventure and as for warmth and fun for him, maybe not so much??

When the dark cold winter came, he began calling every day. Sometimes more than once.

I was happy and upbeat BUT WE WERE HERE...& we were busy doing fun things, meeting cool people, going to interesting places, GAL big time.

H eventually felt miserable...the rest is history. Except I did not say "sure come home" or "yes I'll join you" when he first asked. I said things like "How do I know you wont' choose another job/person/thing/hobby to do over me/us again?" How do I know you wont' be a jerk again (or words to that effect).

H said the things I needed to hear, over time, before I agreed to try. Then we went to Retrovaille about a year into piecing. For us it was very helpful.

My guess is that if you can pull it off, and it's often Mother Teresa hard...

be as upbeat and warm and loving/interesting as you can be BUT also mysterious and not quite so dang available to him...(IOW, don't say "I'll love you forever" and keep reassuring/pressuring him, b/c that may be how long he takes with this and at this point, it's a turn off for him...)

any man who says "don't get your hopes up" should be listened to. Meaning, don't. You can be warm and loving BUT detached and not available. Haven't you flirted with guys before? Of course...doesn't mean you don't have other interests or friends.

Assume he may leave but be the best woman you can be anyhow. (For one thing, why not become the best woman you can become?

I don't think we ought to see our improvements as a "waste of time" if they don't come back.

Second, it increases the chances of him realizing you are a great catch AND that he might lose you so he needs to wake up.


It's a fine line to walk but somehow find the balance between being too available/needy to him, and yet still being a warm woman with lots of fun charm (GAL big time is the most helpful thing for this).

These changes are first done for US, not them...you really need to "get" that.

When you go to the MC, don't argue FOR the m or push hard to convince him. F- that. Do a whole lot of listening to him.

He will probably revise the marital history to justify wanting to leave.

They all do this with statements like "I was never happy" never felt loved, always felt bad" etc. (Lots of "always" and "nevers" tosses in...as if that's realistic or fair.)


But when he does that, you have two options that are helpful.

1) if he says something totally out of whack that might not even be true at all,

say "Wow, I don't recall it like that at all, but I'm sorry you felt hurt/upset by that."

2) if he says something that has SOME or a lot of validity to it, and you feel responsible for some or all of it, you say'

"Yes, if I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I would do differently."

Both responses are hard to argue with and both indicate you would not do the same behavior again. That indicates change on your end.

Doesn't mean you don't speak up for yourself if his demands stink for you. You count too. You will soon need to decide what's good enough for YOU.

For now though, since you are here trying to make things work--
Bottom line is he will need to believe, that

marriage to you can be better/different than before.

truth be told, don't you want to know that^^ too?

since you are the one posting here, the changes begin with you and we don't even go to what HE needs to work on. He's not here.

You work on YOU and ONLY YOU b/c that's your job. And Be there for the kids b/c they don't need both parents checking out on them.

I know you fear being second fiddle. But he may be thinking, "since OW is gone, I may as well 'try'...." and he's kind of right.

Doesn't do much for your ego but that's an aside right now. You have to do what YOU can for your ego. And if he's 'trying', then do that too, times 100.

If things don't work out, you will have given it everything and down deep he'll always know that. Unlike him, you wont' be haunted by selfish choices...

Do not let HIM determine YOUR happiness. Being upbeat doesn't mean being goofy happy in the face of rudeness.

But inwardly content and pleasant to be around. No moping or lashing out. Anger from you will simply fuel his negatives and help him justify wanting out. You have to lose the anger, at least in front of him.

I have to sum up now b/c it's late--

So, try to be a woman only a fool would leave.
And

leave the results up to God.

There is hope. But be disciplined in your DB approach. Don't falter and don't expect results soon.

Consistent change + sufficient time = change he can believe in.

If you get to a point where YOU feel you cannot "do this" anymore, we get it. We'll cross that bridge if you get to it.

But you are not there today.

(( ))