Spoke to the kids last night to find out how school went, both very excited!!
Wife came on the phone, we spoke about the kids, funny stories etc, then we were talking about what nights who had them, and could I have them an extra night to help her out with a work thing, no problems.
She then said that she hoped that this help I was giving her wouldn't be thrown in her face in the future? That I had done things similar in the past.
I apologised, and said things were different, if I did I was sorry, but they were drunken rants in anger, and that I would never hurt her again.
She said, she hoped so, but I was a volatile person who could blow at anytime. That we get on for a while, and just when she "is letting her defences down", I do something to hurt her again.
I again apologised and said that I would do nothing to hurt her and the kids ever again, that I was feeling really happy and good in myself, and that I just want them to be happy.
We ended the call, all polite and friendly.
She is basically telling me that she hasn't let me get close in the past 12 months we have been apart because I keep screwing up!! We get on fine, she see's a light/change, then I do something in anger, hurt her, and its back to the start!!!
The difference here is, I now want to really change, I want to/have stopped drinking, I want to be happier, I don't want to fight, and I know how much I love my wife and children!!!
If I want to have any chance of having any of that back in my life, I need to maintain my changes, take ownership of my changes, and CHANGE!!!
Its that simple, she is telling me what to do, and I think she wants me to do it also, so now its up to me.
