Ugh! I forgot about the whole gift thing. I noticed that she was buying the kids stuff all the time. It reeked of someone trying to buy her kids favor. It was exceptionally bad during that month and a half she rarely ever came home. This was magnified by the fact that she's been stressing so bad about money for so many years and yet she was an open ATM. I took a big pay raise and position at work a few months back, but I opted to use my money to take on more financial responsibilities around the home/family. I'm lucky to have $20 to my name 3 days before the next payday, yet she's out with friends and driving around all over the place. Makes me laugh my butt off[internally] that she complains about not being able to afford gas for the new car I bought her. Hell I pay $600[insurance included] a month for that flippin thing and she's upset she can't put gas in it? Whatever. No I didn't get it for her because I was desperate for her affections. I got it because we had been planning on getting a new car for over a year and both our cars are about worn down to the nub. Now it's just mine that's worn out, but I don't drive as far to work and in her condition I would rather she had piece of mind that the car wouldn't break down on her.
You bringing up WAS has in a way solidified for me that she is in fact going through MLC. I have made changes and she has noticed, although it annoys her because it's too little too late, but I don't care. For me, I see the WAS as someone who's angry, but still holds some form of wanting better from their spouse. MLC, for me, means I'm chin deep in poop. Yet I see some reason to believe.
For a time, my heart and mind struggled with what was going on and now they don't. Now they seem to be speaking to each other and evaluating information with reason. Time is my friend. It's gotten me this far. It was the first week of january this year when I accidently stumbled upon the legal papers dissolving our marriage. Without knowing anything about MLC or what she/I was going through I thought I handled it well. I approached her and handed her the folder and told her calmly that I had stumbled across them on accident and insisted I was not "snooping" ( it really was by accident I found them ). I told her I was sorry and left the room to continue folding laundry. She came in and insisted she hadn't "signed" anything yet. All I said, calmly, was that I was trying my best and I'm sorry that's not enough for her. She said we'd talk more about it the next day, but that was the end of it. For months that folder hung over my head and my heart - wondering when I'd see it again. I don't worry about it anymore. It amuses me that 9 months later we're still married - at least legally, because that means I'm right where I want to be right now. She is around me more often in order to actually see the person I am vs. who I was.
I also agree with you that I'm the fault in her life. The words she uses when she's expressing how she feels are all geared towards me. She "says" she blames herself, but the words she chooses to back that comment up all point to her believing otherwise. Such as how she claims our oldest son is more hostile around her after he's been around me for awhile. Sounds like she's blaming me. Doesn't matter that he lashes out around me when she's not around. It's my fault he acts that way around her. Whatever. My kids know I'll be home in the mornings. I do not discuss my wife with anyone, but you all here. How the kids act around her is a product of her own design even if she sees otherwise. I defend her if it comes up and tell them that she loves them and that she's an adult and responsible for herself. I do not expect them to understand much more so I leave it at that.
As for my GAL efforts. The summer has been very good to me. When the kids are in school I cut back on my stuff and give time and energy to the kids and their daily events. I'm trying to fit something in once a week, but we'll see how that pans out. I have people asking me to participate in some stuff I like, but I'm financially strapped and if I can't commit fully to something because of my involvement with my kids then I opt to not do those things. School and work keep me busy anyway outside of the kids. Lack of "hang out buddies" is a major problem she's hung up on about me. I'm social when I want to be, but sorry if I don't call someone to go hang out and drink beer or whatever - I'm broke and I love being with my kids. I'm in love with my life and I enjoy each and every opportunity I have to shape and mold my kids into great individuals. I'm very athletic and have no issues running around with them, but I'm a thinker too and I love to offer them insight into life and being a morally grounded person.
Not to mention I all but quit drinking. I was never a big drinker, but 1 or 2 a night to help me sleep after long work days is enough. Once my wife shut down on me in every possible way back in August 2010, I found that drinking only made me dwell on unhappy thoughts, such as maybe OM was involved. Not to mention school work usually keeps me up late too so I don't have much energy to drink anymore. The good news though is that on rare occasions that I do partake, the unhappy thoughts are not to be found.
In the end, i guess I can explain my mood as excited. I see two roads in front of me. One - she heads off into the distance and I partake in the adventure of starting over ( already working on a list of necessities I'll need to buy for a new dwelling). The other road, is us together, but different. My hand is extended out to her not in love, but in cautious optimism that says "okay lets do this $hit."
I'm not dependent on her anymore and I'm not grossly independent. I'm indifferent.
