Stillness

[aeolianchaos]

Just checking in.

Had a really good week - spent a lot of time visiting with family and helping my sister and BIL move into their house. It's a nice first home and its more than enough space for 2 people. Spent a good chunk of time painting walls and just hanging out. I love moving into new places and creating in that way.. I was able to help them fix up some veneer on an old art deco cabinet and came up with some neat solutions to some other furniture related problems. I like being able to help out like that.

Had a good visit with IC - mostly focused on how the whole job thing was going and any resistance or reluctance I'm still experiencing with pursuing jobs. Thats a work in progress, although it stalled a little this past weekend..

She feels like I'm doing really well with all the WAW related stuff and thinks I've staked out a healthy position with moving forward with my life and leaving the door open for R for the time being. As long as I'm not putting my life or happiness on hold waiting for WAW or having any unrealistic expectations, I think it's a pretty good place to be for the moment.

One thing that was interesting, though: the past week or so I've noticed some strong feelings that seem like disgust or something along those lines: just kind of disturbed by what seems to me to be a lack of integrity on the part of WAW. Sometimes when those thoughts 'spiral,' I find myself pondering things like the possibility she has been lying to everyone and telling them I kicked her out and I had the affair or stuff like that. Anything to protect her 'image.' It really doesn't matter though - just new thoughts I'm having and not much emotional response to them. See below.

The job stress feels bigger than the D stress for me at this point - since its been a couple weeks of NC now, most of my WAW related thoughts are very passing and sometimes I laugh at myself for thinking them and getting pulled in a little bit. It's like some perverse game of whack-a-mole with my thoughts.