Trying not to hope is hard

[silveryposter]

Second, you said that you somehow proved that you are not taking advantage of her by being a SAHD b/c you didn't walk away? I don't understand that comment.

Using that logic (which logic may or may not actually be applied in her mind), if I'd just wanted a free ride, I'd have walked away when the jig was up. Instead, I've busted my ass around the house, made things better than they've been for years. She's acknowledged this, and is even resentful that it's such a turnaround. She asks, if you can do it now, why didn't you do it then? Understandable question, to which my reply was, I didn't really understand how important it was to her. If I'd have really known, I'd have never let then get that point between us. But since being confronted with it, I've turned it around completely.

[quote]How does that contrast with her claim? I'm not being critical, I just don't see how your response addresses her concern. Wouldn't getting a job and earning more money do more for that?

The concern hasn't been my financial contribution, she's long said that she's happy to provide in that manner as long as I provided in other ways. That's what I was lacking. I got a part time job in the evenings last fall regardless, and that annoyed her because she was left alone with the kids. I was confused by this for the longest time. She wanted me to work, but didn't want to be left alone with the kids. I understand now that she may have been confronting her perceived parental deficiency.

[quote]I believe, right or wrong, that most women want a man who can provide for his family. We know some couples with the wives earning more but it's not the same as having a sahd. And a SAHD who is resented by his wife has a problem.

I'm with you there. Regardless of what she says, I think she at the point where she does want me to provide more financially.

How long has she felt this way? And btw, going back to school was your idea. Yeah well maybe that's b/c she feels that now she has even more work to do. At home when you are in class or studying SHE has to pick up the slack, not you.

And school costs something...so is she paying for that too? I mean, I really wonder if this is a root problem that you are sort of glossing over.

I'm paying for my own schooling. She doesn't have to pick up the slack now, the kids are all in school. However, she did before they were in school. And she'll go back to having to do that if we end up in divorce.

I think the resentment she feels is due in part to me giving up my dreams of becoming a musician. She met me while I was singing, I was in school for music. All these things went away when I became a SAHD. It's something that just came to light about a month ago. I pretty much stopped doing everything that made me ME when I started staying home with the kids. As my IC said, what's best for the kids may not always be best for the marriage and therefore for the family as whole.

Neither of us realized this until about a month ago, as I said. The damage was done, however, and she still sees me as someone who has failed at life. She doesn't want to take the risk, by staying with me, of being disappointed again. (She hasn't told me this, or much of anything emotionally, it's what I've figured out via deduction). It's a big hurdle. So me going back to school was my way of saying I've figured out what I want to do with my life. She was all for it 3 years ago when I started, but when our bond was broken she now doubts that I'll be successful. I, on the other hand, have no doubt that I will continue to be successful. But she can't hear it from me, she won't hear it from me. And 3 years of results (4.0 gpa) don't seem to matter anymore.

And as for the emotional parts...When I hear that, from a man, I often wonder what it really means. Are you saying you didn't verbalize your emotions? How about what you do express verbally?

I verbalize my emotions probably too much. I've always told her I love her, multiple times a day (except lately, she doesn't want to hear it). I've wanted to discuss feelings, she doesn't really. We are kind of the reverse of the typical man/woman; I want to talk it out, she wants to ignore it. I just started getting the emotional part of the 180 a couple months ago. Meaning that I'm not following her around like a puppy dog, I'm not asking her permission for everything, I'm not reminding her how much I love her, I'm not ramming it down her throat that I think she's making a mistake. I've decided to stop being needy, and start leading by example.

I suggest reading the "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Just so you know what she's really getting from you and what she's really missing out on. Second to DBing, I think it's one of the most important marriage books to read. Just a thought.

My IC recommended that book as well, looks like I'll have to pick it up.

I still believe that at a core level, most w's want the father of their kids around if at all possible.
If you behave consistently as if the changes you have made are real and will last, there's hope.

Encouraging, thank you.

What are your GAL activities? Any mystery to your new life?

I've been playing out at open mics several times a month for the past 4 months or so. She never goes, so there could be mystery, if she was interested at all in me. Otherwise, I have few friends nearby, so there's not much going out with friends. I will be taking a weekend trip in October to see one of my old friends. Need to work on more GAL's, but I also have to work. Bleh.

I hate ragging on you about this if it's something you both truly understood and felt good about and decided together. But I sense resentment of the arrangement for a long time on her end. So, here you are.

I came to this forum in hopes that people would ask the hard questions to get me thinking, and you've done that. Thank you. We did decide that the arrangement was good at the time, but we should have seen when it wasn't really working about 3 years ago. I think you're right about her resenting this for a while.

Do what you can and get that book, and think hard about a job that earns more- and how she'd feel safer and more secure, like she has a partner in her life.

I'll head out and get the book tomorrow. I hope I've explained it well enough that you see that it's not really the earning or lack of that's got her upset, it's the lack of success. While I've had success in some areas, I haven't yet attained what either of us would view as success in life. Some of that is changing life habits, some of it is measured in contribution. In any case, my failure to live up to my potential was a weight on us both. I've got the ball rolling now, and momentum and commitment can do wonderful things.

Thanks again.