Activity around long labor day weekend and separation.
So I took a call from H this morning……..I was a little worried he was asking to come over for something he forgot and I looked like hell, so I wanted to spiff up if he was planning on showing up here. (I promise I will not take all of his calls.)
As it turned out he called to tell me what a horrible night he had. Said he maybe slept an hour and a half max. Was at Walmart at 10 p.m. buying stuff he needed for the house. Then on to the grocery store and was there when it closed. Fell into bed at 1:15 and could not sleep. I was silent through this saga, he finally said, “are you still there?” I said, “yes, I am listening.” He went on to say he is going to the office today to work and then back to his new house to unpack. Told me I should re-think the new job, that this is a short 9 months and then Noah would be gone……….I just listened and then I said good by.
But humor came my way today in the form of my beloved cleaning lady, R, who is from Brazil and speaks very little English. She is a spitfire and I love her. She has been with us for 15 years. We went to her daughter’s wedding, We attended her ceremony to become a U.S. citizen, one of the most moving experiences I have ever witnessed. She normally cleans for us on Friday afternoon. So she arrived yesterday in the midst of H's move. She is very intuitive and very experienced in life. She gets out of her car and sees what is going on and she must have given D a piece of her mind. After which she gets in her car and says to D, “I no clean today, I back tomorrow.”
So she arrives this morning and tells me about the exchange. Her primary language is Portuguese and she is very animated and I will never be able to convey our conversation in an email, but I will try, as it lifted me up in a way that nothing else could do.
She kind of stormed in this morning…….she told me of her conversation with H. It went something like this:
“What you doing D?” She has always called him D and he has never corrected her. Too funny. (she has his name wrong)
He told her the plan. And she says, “ D,you go crazy? You give up beeeautiful home, your babies, and your beeeautiful wife? For what?......., to rock, (and she demonstrates rocking in the rocking chair he is loading in the truck) alone in house that not your home? You stup D, (her way of saying stupid) You really stup. What you get from this? You be lonely, you be alone, that make you feel good? You got other woman? He says no. She says I understand why no other woman.”
At this point I am laughing so hard I am crying. She then goes on to give me advice. And I realize R is the expert on the Divorce Busting concept of “going dark.”
“Back56 you no have anyting to do with him for now. He dead. He give you up, you say to self, ok, and love your babies. They with you forever, husbands come and go. He no good right now. Maybe he back someday, but for now, he gone, you let him go. You cannot make easy, or he never back. He think he can be gone, and ok with family, to come and go as he pleazze, he never back. You live your life, you have good job, you have good friends, you enjoy your life and forget about him. He stup. How can smart man, be so stup? He lawyer, he help me a lot, he good man, but he stup” I then said, “R, what if his pride will not allow him to come back?” She said, “then he go and be lonely”.
I am amazed at the people who come into our lives, to support, to build us up, to help us give perspective. Today this came to me from a woman who has had a very difficult life, who has been in the trenches, who “gets” life. She loves me and our family, and sees the bigger picture for us. I am so grateful.
I wanted to write to you as I think you may be waiting to hear from me from what H has told me.
I am doing ok, and while I am deeply and genuinely concerned for what is taking place here, I don’t buy that this is a crisis of our marriage. I just don’t.
H, is a good man, I chose wisely, 25 years ago and I stand by that commitment. I love him, but he is in a darn mess at the moment.
I thank you both for your love and support, and will of course stay in touch.
As sad as I am for how things are at the moment, I choose to live my life in gratitude for all that is positive in our lives. We have our health; we have three wonderful boys who are making their way in the world in good and noble ways. We are financially secure due to both of us working hard and living responsibly. The life we have built together is good and true and we have so much to be thankful for. Our family unit is strong and loving. The proof is in the pudding. And our pudding is sweet and filled with love.
too wordy....I made some tweaks and shortened it but maybe you should ask Rita what she thinks you ought to say. That'll keep it simple.
Originally Posted By: back56
Letter to H’s family about separation……… I wanted to write to you as I think you may be waiting to hear from me from what H has told me. I am doing ok, and while I am deeply and genuinely concerned for what is taking place here, I don’t buy that this is a crisis of our marriage. I just don’t. How can you not buy that this is a crisis?
H, is a good man, I chose wisely, 25 years ago and I stand by that commitment. I love him, but he is in a darn mess at the moment.
I thank you both for your love and support, and will of course stay in touch.
As sad as I am for how things are at the moment, I choose to live my life in gratitude for all that is positive in our lives and we have many. We have our health; we have three wonderful boys who are making their way in the world in good and noble ways. We are financially secure due to both of us working hard and living responsibly. The life we have built together is good and true and we have so much to be thankful for. Our family unit is strong and loving. The proof is in the pudding. And our pudding is sweet and filled with love. It is my take on things on our end.
Love,
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi, just read all your posts, including your exchange with 25 about the letter - I agree wholeheartedly with her, and with your cleaning lady who sounds wonderful.
As to your interchanges with your h. It is really really great that he remains nice, and calls you.
I would go for the job interview, and see how you feel. Imo you are right to consider seriously not relying on your h: he may or may not continue to be reliable, and at some point many MLCers resent any imposition or demands. Some are happy to be generous, but not to have anything expected of them.
On the other hand, making decisions while you ar still somewhat shocked and traumatized isn't necessarily a good idea, so take it slowly and talk it over with a good friend whose opinion you value [and here too of course!].
You are dealing with all of this with great grace, and I hope and pray that your h gets help and resolves his issues quickly.
I suspect your h's resistance to a new job comes from a variety of sources: resistance to any change in the LBS, guilt that he is 'causing' this to happen, wanting to be needed by you and son [even though he may also come to resent it].
Beatrice makes a good point about your h's resistance to your new job possibility.
True, he might not want to feel responsible for something you don't end up liking...
but he also may not like YOU changing much when he's not there. After all, he might want to come back home, and he'll want everything the exact same and then here you go...not waiting around for him..."what's all that about?"
Makes me want you to take the job just as a huge 180.
But then, as she said, it might not be the best time to decide...
or is it?
Putting your son first is never going to haunt you. It's his last year at home and B makes a great point about the reliability of the MLCer being close to nil.
Given your h's history and present behavior, I doubt he'd check out. But why worry about that? And isn't it a good thing to need your h less now?
Or is that something you worry about, what with his living well together as if you guys are fine being so independent? while I get that concern...
am I wrong to assume you have demonstrated with tears and pleading that you want him and the marriage to work out?
And that has not worked.
So, what about you really moving forward? It doesn't mean you are giving up but it does mean he risks losing you b/c you are not going to endure limbo land forever (or that's how long he'll take)...
but what if you prepare for life without him but with you being happy...
what does that look like?
Can you create any of it now? How are the GAL things?
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Back and 25, While I do think our behaviours can reduce the time of a mild MLC [and I do think there are degrees of severity], I am not sure that a severe one is reduced whatever we do. At least that is my experience and what I see on these boards.
Where they remain reasonably pleasant and in contact, our behaviour is an important factor, but when they run fast and hard they are barely looking at us for a long time.
To give a current example of a wonderful lady here, Punkin, who is clearly getting a life, and yet her xh has just married OW.
Of course we need to get a life, and be independent, but it may or may not shorten the MLC, it may or may not encourage the MLcer to want to return sooner. It is their journey and it is over if and when it is over. Some of them need a long time. I also know of MLCers who returned 'too soon' because of a wonderful partner, and then ran again because they were not done.
Incidentally 25 - I agree with what you said on Valeria'a thread about not doing it again. Someone who used to post here and who reconciled said the exact same thing. We can do it once, and it shapes us . . .
my point is that us GAL sooner does at least one thing,
it's get us happier sooner!
And it doesn't make the MLCer worse with us. Sometimes it wakes them up and sometimes it doesn't. But there's just no downside to me.
And yes, DBing is a once in a life time thing for me even though it's also a lifetime approach.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
