Are there things about the changes you are making this time that might reduce the potential for a'meltdown' or a 'backslide'?
I guess the GALing (which I am having to focus more on, now) is probably one of the biggest things that helps the changes to stick. You know, doing the changes because I want them to be a part of me, rather than because I want to convince W that I am changing. I am still scared that I will "rubber band" back to my old ways, but I think I am going more in the right direction now than before.
Not that this makes any difference to W - yet. The only way she will know something is different is when she sees the changes stick. And how long they have to stick before she sees a difference...well, I don't know.
You mentioned me having a "meaningful intrapersonal experience." I guess in a way it is more meaningful to me because I have to explore it. I am not always naturally aware of my feelings. So, sometimes I have to explore before I understand what is going on with me. Of course, having difficulty knowing my own feelings, naturally I have difficulty reading the emotions of others - facial expressions, body language, etc. Even what is implied in what they say is often lost on me. That is where I often feel at a disadvantage. I guess the upside is that what I do know about my feelings is consciously learned, so I can process it rationally. There has to be some upside to this, right?
You said it is sometimes fun to pretend that other people around us are the aliens. This sounds like you have some familiarity with this kind of isolation. How?
E -
OK, I guess I have another one on my reading list. Interesting, how one book gives what seems like a comprehensive instruction for fixing things, then another book expands in detail on one area. In DR, author tells us we have to love our spouse the way they want to be loved, then in 5LL, a different author goes into how to know how your spouse wants to be loved, and how to show that kind of love. I look forward to reading this one, as your synopsis strikes a few chords. Certainly the bit about men avoiding shame rings true.
I've been told how self-aware I am, but it seldom feels that way. That is to say, I play myself a great Monday-morning quarterback, knowing after the fact how I behaved, why I did, what I should have done, and how I was letting my emotions instead of my thoughts govern me. Knowing it in the moment is a different thing.
Things have been kind of calm for a few days, and I have had a little time to think. Looking at my past posts, I am realizing how rapidly my perception of my M shifts - one day thinking things look better, only a day or two later feeling threatened - and at each moment failing to recognize how quickly it can change. When I feel scared for our M, I can only see dark ahead, and when things feel a little better I completely forget that only a day or two ago it seemed like the end. In other words, the roller coaster ride is largely of my own making. (Funny, I remember when I used to like roller coaster rides, but this one isn't so much fun )
I am also realizing that I have a very hard time relaxing and letting things happen. Even when we didn't have a painful history to struggle with, W didn't fall in love with me overnight (well, actually, we kinda did fall in love overnight, but I am rational enough to know this is not something you can expect). At any rate, looking at myself, I am realizing that I get frustrated because we are not "in love" again, forgetting that it's a pretty good start that we are just comfortable with each other. I mean, being calm and comfortable is what allows room for other feelings to develop, right
If I can just get a few of these matters down, DBing will be a lot easier.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
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