Trying not to hope is hard

[25yearsmlc]

Silver,

a few questions and comments. You wrote that



She has told me from the outset of this that she feels like I used her, and my SAHD status to lead an easy life. She feels like I betrayed her trust and only wanted for her to carry me. She still feels this way, despite the fact that instead of walking away when confronted with this, I busted my ass do take care of the things that were concerning her.
She only has ever listed physical things, other than months later saying she felt betrayed. She has also never said that she wants it to work out between us, and she doesn't want to understand the "why" of her emotions.

First, of course She won't say she wants things to work out. She doesn't believe that. She thinks she's done. I read my journal from 5=6 years ago. Some of it makes me mad all over again. But the thing is, some of what I wrote wasn't actually true, but some of it was, and isn't now. I don't feel the same as I did then. But I DID FEEL THAT WAY THEN...so don't write her words in stone and hold her to them. This is how it is, for now. That's all.

Second, you said that you somehow proved that you are not taking advantage of her by being a SAHD b/c you didn't walk away? I don't understand that comment.

How does that contrast with her claim? I'm not being critical, I just don't see how your response addresses her concern. Wouldn't getting a job and earning more money do more for that?

I believe, right or wrong, that most women want a man who can provide for his family. We know some couples with the wives earning more but it's not the same as having a sahd. And a SAHD who is resented by his wife has a problem.

How long has she felt this way? And btw, going back to school was your idea. Yeah well maybe that's b/c she feels that now she has even more work to do. At home when you are in class or studying SHE has to pick up the slack, not you.

And school costs something...so is she paying for that too? I mean, I really wonder if this is a root problem that you are sort of glossing over.

And as for the emotional parts...When I hear that, from a man, I often wonder what it really means. Are you saying you didn't verbalize your emotions? How about what you do express verbally?

I suggest reading the "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. Just so you know what she's really getting from you and what she's really missing out on. Second to DBing, I think it's one of the most important marriage books to read. Just a thought.

I still believe that at a core level, most w's want the father of their kids around if at all possible.

If you behave consistently as if the changes you have made are real and will last, there's hope.

What are your GAL activities? Any mystery to your new life?

BTW, Men/Women responded to a survey about what they most wanted/valued/needed from a spouse.

Men said "physical attraction" and "peace at home" (which I think means no nagging or drama at home).

Women said "Fidelity and security". Security isn't just physically feeling protected; it's more about knowing the bills will be paid and savings are accruing and that their h's are providing for them...

I hate ragging on you about this if it's something you both truly understood and felt good about and decided together. But I sense resentment of the arrangement for a long time on her end. So, here you are.

Do what you can and get that book, and think hard about a job that earns more- and how she'd feel safer and more secure, like she has a partner in her life.

Just a thought.