Regretful and not sure how to proceed

[25yearsmlc]

Mary,

another poster here from my "good old days" of first joining, (ah the lovely memories of the worst time in my life...) is back. She

said her MLC h now wants back in after 6 years. (It's rare that it happens, let alone after that amount of time. But it does.)
And She did not spend those 6 years "waiting" for him. She spent some time waiting, then got sick of being mistreated, and then SHE GAL and moved on.

I don't know what will happen with them b/c it's complicated b/c she has a new life she created and enjoys, but she still loves who he once was (they'd been m for 20 years) and so she knows not to rush it...anyhow like I said, she didn't "wait" for him endlessly.

I thought you should see what she said to someone else in the same sitch, about GAL:

It's good that your H is inching out of MLC but it's a long and slow process. It's so important to think about yourself and enjoy your life as much as you can if you choose to wait it out.

My H wanted me to stay right where he left me - it gave him a sense of unlimited time to continue his bad behavior. He didn't want me to get a life without him. When he finally sensed that I wasn't waiting in the wings for him anymore, I think that helped rush the end of the MLC. I wish I had realized this sooner.
emphasis mine...

Mary, here's the thing about GAL and moving forward (not = giving up but simply moving forward and out of the "stuck in pain" place you're in)...you need to grasp. I know your pain is fresh but "where the head goes, the heart will follow". Once you get this in your head, AND behave with some discipline on your end, the rest will come.

Moving forward in your newly created better life, will result in one or more of the following:

You make the changes you have decided are authentically changes you wanted to make to improve yourself and your life. You are actually happier than you would have been if all this crap had not occurred.

THIS^^^ IS GOOD NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENS...

AND EITHER-

1) your w notices AND responds favorably so that at least the relationship you have surrounding s4 is better (and perhaps you hold out hope that someday you two can rebuild something more or perhaps you simply enjoy improved smooth relations surrounding s4...)

OR

2) your w notices and responds favorably to a greater extent. She comes to believe the changes in you are real and lasting...and she wants to explore a reconciliation.

OR

3) your w doesn't notice or care enough for now....

But see, No matter what, you are in a better place, faster.

The longer you take to GAL and move forward, the harder it will be for the first options to occur.

The longer you delay, the more her thoughts of you will be about how you pursued and pleaded and exuded your neediness to her...


Regardless, Most of the time, the WAS who sees an LBSer actually GAL and having a bit of mystery to their life, makes the WAS stop in their tracks to reassess.

Remember, if you reassure her of your "love forever" --you are reminding her that she can take all the time she wants b/c no matter what, you'll tolerate it...So no downside to her taking lots and lots of time...

This screams of your neediness and lack of confidence. (Which is more of the same).

The more you question her about what her feelings/thoughts are NOW, the more you force her to cement them in and say them out loud.

That just strengthens her resolve and doesn't help you at all. Stop taking the temperature of the R.

(I heard someone once say "nothing ends a relationshp faster than constantly taking it's temperature...")

Get a grip and discipline yourself better. Yeah, I know we all backslide but it is what it is, i.e, a lack of DB discipline on your end. Knock that off.

Take your power back.

Give DBing a real chance.

Good luck