Well, I pretty much got the answer I thought that I was going to get. Got her e-mailed response today, and it read: "Yes I'm sure. Thanks for checking, though." It was nice to get an answer after a day of limbo, but what infuriates and frustrates me is how sparse the damn thing is. No explanation, no elaboration, nothing. What's going on in her mind? The firmest explanation I can cling to is the notion that putting off the S would basically mean the idea of reconciliation, and reconciliation would mean having to fully face everything that she's done in the last few months. It's slowly dawning on her, it seems to me, but she's not there yet.
It sounds to me like she's running away from her problems. At many times in our R, my W remarked to me that she wished that she could just pack up all of her stuff and her pets in the car and drive away from everything: her family, me, her job...all of it. Ditch the doctoral track and just be a waitress or something. I'm not sure exactly why she had this fantasy of "escape" from everything, but I can't help thinking about this fantasy of hers when reading her reply. I know for sure that it has way less to do with the "problems" in her life and more to do with something missing inside of her.
As for me, I'm in a bad way right now. On Saturday, I got hit with a minor wave of depression. On Sunday, it became a tidal wave, and it's been present all the way up to today. I have no idea what triggered it (could be a number of things), but I haven't felt depression like this since high school. It makes sense, because I felt about as lonely in high school as I do now. It's making GAL-ing extremely difficult. I take zero pleasure in anything else except eating, sleeping, and exercising. I know that I should get out and socialize, but the idea of socializing with anybody -- friends, family, whoever -- seems painful. Almost everything seems painful. Just living is painful.
I feel that however strong this depressive mode is, it will pass eventually, Just need to give it time, I suppose. Has anybody else gone through symptoms like this during this time?
