first off, other than threatening to kill her, it's rare that ONE statement by you will blow it all...so relax a bit.
OTOH you talk way too much and way too soon. Why on earth would she trust these changes when you've been doing them what, a week? A month?
After years of weird "I'm shy so i don't do social work"....and being whatever it is she complained of,
(which you are vague about, btw). I don't get a clear idea of what type of 180s you need to do vis a vis HER, that you are doing except now backing off
but then you pursue and your neediness perks up again.
I'm guessing you put all your social/emotional needs on her lap to fill and that's a tall order.
Which is neediness from you and not giving to HER but rather, taking FROM her see how? Plus your present discussions reek of more of that same neediness....
and so when you tell her "ta dah, I'm making all these changes!", I suspect what she hears is
"so you can stay and keep filling my needs b/c I don't want you to leave!!"--
which is not persuasive or attractive or working.
Also Please stop engaging when you are at your most vulnerable. THE WORST TIME POSSIBLE>>>>This behavior has to stop NOW. And you've made the move toward the MIL so let her take the next step unless you really owe her.
And if you do "owe her" at least do not make the r talks about W or the R....at all. It's got to be about s4 or your job or better yet MIL and time with s4...not the R or it'll come off as manipulation by you, through her family members. Not cool...
Get a prescription for anti-anxiety meds and take them when she's around or texting or whatever triggers your desire to TALK AND TALK to her...
And to help you sleep.
Originally Posted By: In_Shock
WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET INTO THIS R TALK?????????? I KNOW no good comes from it. I hate myself and see why she left me at these times!!! Pity party for one.....
At least see this ^^^ reason to leave you, clearly. Embed it so you really GET IT and then maybe you will be more loathe to repeat it.
IT's a cheeseless tunnel so stop going down it. There is no cheese there!
Really, she says she's done. We know that with changes, and the fact that she says she still loves me, just not in the way to sustain a relationship....there is hope. My BIG mouth should have just sat there instead of getting drawn into that talk.... OR YOU COULD HAVE TOLD HER YOU ARE TOO TIRED TO TALK RIGHT NOW AND GET OUT OF THE CONVERSATION...HOW'D IT EVEN START? DID YOU ASK HER STUFF?? sorry for the caps-not yelling.
I know. They speak in absolute negatives....but what if she really IS done wiht me?? She moved past me months ago.... IS THERE HOPE>?>>> OMG I need to take something and go to bed. I am obsessing and freaking out. Gotta call the DB coach tomorrow and set up something. There's always hope. I have 2 family members who actually divorced and then remarried but a few years later....yes, years. But that happens and so do recons earlier...I'd give your r a few months minimum before you'll "know" anything and maybe not then either. But as of THIS DAY and THIS WEEK, you "know" nothing.
I'm SO scared I blew it completely by telling her in the course of the R talk that I am still in love, that i want to repair our family, that I want to have a chance to show her that I can be the person she needs.... she says it's too late. Stop telling her that. Just stop it. You need to have SOME mystery here & some dang discipline Mary...come on. And no one blows it completely in one conversation, plus this talk you had actually had a few contradictory paragraphs anyhow. She's not as done as she thinks she is.
Anybody have this sitch that worked out>?>?>> God, I'm a mess.
YES these situations have worked out...hello? I gave my m a "10% chance of success" 5 years ago...
others have filed for div (which your w has not done) and she is still in the house
and she needs your income and you have a son together...
so far, you are still in the game. Don't blow it anymore. READ THE RULES AGAIN You can do this.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll answer other specs later - gotta get ready for work now - but I want to say her complaint over the last few years was that she didn't feel 'emotionally connected' to me. Like I'm all in my 'head' and not emotional enough. she said last night that it's something where you can just tell how someonefeels without words or something of the sort. That it can't be learned or read or ......
She also tells me I've come a LONG way in the past 4 years or so in emotional growth (which led me to say -- if I hadn't made any progress, i could understand your leaving...) She said last night I've grown so much, and she doesnt want me to overlook that. She knows I love her. She just is looking for something different (it seems to be an effortless emotional connection). She had that with her EA 4 years ago and apparently has it with OW now. Damn my intellectual [censored]. I've actually TRIED so hard for this type of connection with her === Lord knows I've tried consistently over the years to show her my love. But she wants something effortless, without needing words. Hmm... poetic huh?
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Shock, just finished reading through your entire situation. (I was able to track you down after the screen name change ) Sorry you're going through all this pain. It will improve with time. (I always hated to hear that, but it's true). It took me 2-3 months before that knot in my stomach went away and I could start eating normally again.
I think you're starting to figure some things out with DB'ing. Looks like you're getting some good advice. Listen to 25 - her comments are loaded with wisdom.
You seem to be picking up on it, but cut the relationship talk. You're really just reminding your SO of the feelings she does not have right now, and she knows how you feel.
Work on your GAL. Work on yourself. Take yourself outside your comfort zone. Find things you've always been interested in doing and start getting involved. Once you really get it going, it will snowball. It will help you overcome your shyness. Surround yourself with people who are supportive in your DB'ing efforts. Become the better option - be the woman only a fool would leave. Focus on your S - that who's the most important right now.
Regardless of the final outcome, if you continue to DB, you will come out of this miles ahead of your W. You will be much better prepared for the next relationship if it doesn't work out. As much as it may not feel like it, you are headed for a better place.
another poster here from my "good old days" of first joining, (ah the lovely memories of the worst time in my life...) is back. She
said her MLC h now wants back in after 6 years. (It's rare that it happens, let alone after that amount of time. But it does.) And She did not spend those 6 years "waiting" for him. She spent some time waiting, then got sick of being mistreated, and then SHE GAL and moved on.
I don't know what will happen with them b/c it's complicated b/c she has a new life she created and enjoys, but she still loves who he once was (they'd been m for 20 years) and so she knows not to rush it...anyhow like I said, she didn't "wait" for him endlessly.
I thought you should see what she said to someone else in the same sitch, about GAL: It's good that your H is inching out of MLC but it's a long and slow process. It's so important to think about yourself and enjoy your life as much as you can if you choose to wait it out.
My H wanted me to stay right where he left me - it gave him a sense of unlimited time to continue his bad behavior. He didn't want me to get a life without him. When he finally sensed that I wasn't waiting in the wings for him anymore, I think that helped rush the end of the MLC. I wish I had realized this sooner. emphasis mine...
Mary, here's the thing about GAL and moving forward (not = giving up but simply moving forward and out of the "stuck in pain" place you're in)...you need to grasp. I know your pain is fresh but "where the head goes, the heart will follow". Once you get this in your head, AND behave with some discipline on your end, the rest will come.
Moving forward in your newly created better life, will result in one or more of the following:
You make the changes you have decided are authentically changes you wanted to make to improve yourself and your life. You are actually happier than you would have been if all this crap had not occurred.
THIS^^^ IS GOOD NO MATTER WHAT ELSE HAPPENS...
AND EITHER-
1) your w notices AND responds favorably so that at least the relationship you have surrounding s4 is better (and perhaps you hold out hope that someday you two can rebuild something more or perhaps you simply enjoy improved smooth relations surrounding s4...)
OR
2) your w notices and responds favorably to a greater extent. She comes to believe the changes in you are real and lasting...and she wants to explore a reconciliation.
OR
3) your w doesn't notice or care enough for now....
But see, No matter what, you are in a better place, faster.
The longer you take to GAL and move forward, the harder it will be for the first options to occur.
The longer you delay, the more her thoughts of you will be about how you pursued and pleaded and exuded your neediness to her...
Regardless, Most of the time, the WAS who sees an LBSer actually GAL and having a bit of mystery to their life, makes the WAS stop in their tracks to reassess.
Remember, if you reassure her of your "love forever" --you are reminding her that she can take all the time she wants b/c no matter what, you'll tolerate it...So no downside to her taking lots and lots of time...
This screams of your neediness and lack of confidence. (Which is more of the same).
The more you question her about what her feelings/thoughts are NOW, the more you force her to cement them in and say them out loud.
That just strengthens her resolve and doesn't help you at all. Stop taking the temperature of the R.
(I heard someone once say "nothing ends a relationshp faster than constantly taking it's temperature...")
Get a grip and discipline yourself better. Yeah, I know we all backslide but it is what it is, i.e, a lack of DB discipline on your end. Knock that off.
Take your power back.
Give DBing a real chance.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so much useful advice. I've made a conscious effort to really begin to apply the DBing all the time. I may backslide, but I am going to try to remain in control of my mouth--- my worst enemy by far. NO R talks NO matter WHAT. DETACH DETACH DETACH.....lovingly.
I guess the GAL thing is the most important goal for me right now. (quietly= to myself with mystery and not TELLING HER ABOUT IT!! LOL) I'm thinkng of ideas --- I'll post later on today more -- but I wanted to thank you guys for so so so much patience. 25, I can see your patience and how you DB'ed for so long. You haven't kicked my a$$ yet for all my whining. You truly seem to be an angel of patience and compassion, and even though it's through a message board, it radiates into my being.
jb- also-- patient, caring and kind. Your words also affect me deeply.
I can't believe the wonderful quality of people at this site. WAS really don't know the type of people they are hurting....
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Yes Mary.... No more R talk from me. It just blows things. I'm moving on from that. I hope you are too.
And I'm on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds myself. Took a couple weeks to kick in but I'm sooooo glad I'm on them now. I can really tackle this difficult situation now with my head instead of my heart.
Lucky, I'm on anti-depressants, mild anti-anxiety, and all that too. I guess it will help eventually more. Just trying to hold on for my little one. I hope your meds kick in soon and well!! If you're like me, fight the urge to self medicate. I don't even think about it b/c I want to be the best I can be for S. If not for him...well...can't say I'd be as responsible as I'm being
I have a DB coach appt on Friday, but I see my IC today at 4pm. The problem is, well, several. This is a small town and my W, me and the OW (!!) all see the same IC. Can you even believe that? I almost choked when I realized that!
It's making me very uncomfortable, and I believe I will have to change C's.... I can't fight the feeling that C is pushing those two together,(my own projection/paranoia, I know LOL) and also C telling me to just move on and give up on DBing and the R..... I KNOW C's are there to make US strong, but there are too many f-ed up dynamics in this for me to keep going to this = actually really awesome C.
Does anyone know or does MWD have anything I've overlooked that recommends or leads us to Solution Based therapists throughout the country? I'd be willing to drive a bit just to get to someone who supports my efforts to save my R and my family.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
In shock It may feel weird but the IC must maintain your privacy. Think if there was only one surgeon in your town, would it bother you that everyone went to that surgeon for help? If it is an awesome C I would continue with that person. Unless it is not helping because you are uncomfortable. just my 2c
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
) Sorry you're going through all this pain. It will improve with time. (I always hated to hear that, but it's true). It took me 2-3 months before that knot in my stomach went away and I could start eating normally again.