There are a lot of things that I could say about your H at this point. However, even if what I say is accurate, I am getting the feeling from you that maybe you have reached the point where understanding more about him is no longer comforting to you (?) Because eventually you realize that knowing doesn't change anything. Because, ultimately, the only thing that really matters is that HE understands his issues, and even that doesn't matter unless he DOES something about it.
However, I will say that it sounds like H has abandonment issues. Mom, with whom he was overly-enmeshed "abandoned" him. It doesn't matter that she died, or that it wasn't of her choosing...emotions don't know enough to tell the difference. He relied on her for a lot of his emotional well-being. And he relies on YOU for a lot of his emotional well-being. She left him, and he had no control, no power over that happening. I think he is afraid you will leave him. And, whether he realizes it or not, I think when he is most afraid of that (when he gets your "list" and argues, when there is conflict between you, etc.), he "bombs." At least if he pushes you away, he was not without power over the situation. People will sometimes embrace what they dread better if they make it happen themselves, because having control makes it less threatening. People are stupid, that way. It is a childish, ridiculous game to play. But if I've learned anything, it is that emotions never grow up. A person has to learn to think when emotions are in play, and if you haven't learned that by the time you are an adult, it is not easy to pick up.
You know, that brings up something that has been occurring to me over and over again as I read your posts. When you describe both your H and your D, I get the strong feeling that I am reading about people who are very intellectually developed, but have never really integrated their emotions. That is to say, people who are so adept at reason and logic, that when strong emotions occur, they don't know where they fit into the "equation," and may not know how to handle them or what to do with them. Having Asperger's (and a S who also has) I am a virtual expert on that dynamic . I am usually either unaware of my emotions, or so overpowered by them that I can't function. Integrating them is a HUGE part of my current therapy. In fact, early on in therapy, I had to bring W in for a session, because in many instances she literally can express what my feelings are better than I can. And her presence helped clarify some things, because I am not good at reading her feelings. Not that your family has Asperger's as well (or they might, who knows), but I wonder if that pattern is being played out there. And, if it is, how would that affect your position?
OK, so I ended up saying a lot about your H anyway.
Quote:
Yes, this is why I'm here because I can't keep my big mouth shut.
Yeah, you opened up your mouth and said something obnoxious. You are entitled. God knows, he has done it often enough!
But look at the whole thing from the other side. You said something you figured would be offensive and obnoxious to him. What strikes me as interesting was the fact that he didn't explode. He didn't turn it into an opportunity to drop the bomb. I wouldn't take it as proof positive that he has changed - like any other change a person makes, it will be filled with backslides and moments of hope - but could it be a sign that he is actually putting some of his good intentions into action? A moment when you could actually see his effort? Maybe not something you want to think about now. I know it is exhausting to keep hope when it is so often contradicted by inconsistent actions from your H.
I have hope for your M. But I also hear what you are saying. You have gone through so much, and, honestly, even with your H's sincere commitment to change, it would take time and it sounds like his instability is far from over. I don't want to you lose the good that you can be to each other, but you need to keep your own mental health intact.
I guess all I wanted to say was that as far as I can tell you are a good person, and we are all here to support you, no matter what [[[[[[[]]]]]]]!
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
. I am usually either unaware of my emotions, or so overpowered by them that I can't function. Integrating them is a HUGE part of my current therapy. In fact, early on in therapy, I had to bring W in for a session, because in many instances she literally can express what my feelings are better than I can. And her presence helped clarify some things, because I am not good at reading her feelings. Not that your family has Asperger's as well (or they might, who knows), but I wonder if that pattern is being played out there. And, if it is, how would that affect your position? 
