Treading water - time and patience

[Endeavour]

Peter, I understand because my H also gives me hope and then takes it away. But the way you're reacting is not working so you have to try and change it, even though it's not fair and you feel like you're being used. Believe me, I get it.

Sometimes, I get so angry that my H makes this all about him when he's hardly been the perfect H. But until we're in piecing, it is about them.

Next time as much as it kills you, just tell her to have a good time. I bet that will shock her. And it would certainly be a 180.

[~ kd ~]

Hey Peter... when you go into that mode of neediness... just imagine that you're dating...

And she's a "hard catch"...

Would you have a little more patience with her, if that were the case?

Yes, you are "giving" to her... but wouldn't you give to ANY date...?

And would you have the same expectations from ANY date...?

But remember... this one is "special"... so you might want to be a little more... patient...

Might svck, but it is what it is...

[NYCPeter]

Seriously though - It's been almost 4 months since the bomb and she can't spend the night alone under the same roof as me. Shows me we are nowhere near any sort of reconciliation, despite all the effort.

[NYCPeter]

One more thing I got upset about over the weekend.

D6 goes back to school on Weds (1st grade) - she's very excited, and as I was driving the girls to the lakehouse yesterday I asked her if she was looking forward to starting school.

She said - "Yes, and mummy is happy for us to be going back to school and for daddy to be going back to work".

Who tells their D6 that they are happy that their H will be going to work.

I have the opportunity to move into an apartment for a short while - my friend got married and his tennants are moving out this week, it'll be empty until he sells it.

I think it may be best if I move there for a short while to clear my head.

[~ kd ~]

I get it, Peter... You have been doing a lot of work on you and it is showing, here... and no doubt, it's showing to your W, as well...

Depending on what is going on with your W, she may still be no where near making a commitment to the M...

Yes, four months seems like a long time to the LBS... I know you understand there are many here who go 12 and 24 months in this "limbo"...

Unfortunately, it appears you have expectations that the great work you are doing for yourself will show up in results of getting the M back... and that is what hurts the LBS... the expectations...

You do have a choice of course, to push... to walk away... or to find some happy place for yourself and continue to GAL... and let your W and the M just simmer for a while...

Only you know when you're done and maybe you need to change things up a bit, for yourself... Remember the golden rule, that DBing is for us...

Whatever your choice, there is likely to be both positive and negative consequences... and sometimes what seems positive is negative, and vice versa...

I know it's frustrating... yes, you need to take care of yourself and clear your head in whatever way you feel best...

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for the replies.

Yes my W is no where near ready to make a commitment to the M.
Yes you are right - the expectations. Need to stop having them - very tough to do.

I do think space and clearing my head is important, but with a special needs child - my W would struggle long term without me around (friends and family would help initially, but they have their own lives to lead), so I couldn't move out for more than a week or two without having some permenant plan in place.

W came home today and gave me a hug - why? Ok - no mind reading, just enjoy the moment. It made me forget about wanting to move out for a while.

Rollercoaster, mood swings, ups and downs, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[Accuray]

Hi NYCPeter,

I saw the same behavior from my W with regard to limited affection followed by retreat. The DB Coach explained that your W will reach out to you on occasion and be affectionate, but will then quickly retreat and be distant again.

This is normal, she's "trying on" opening up to you to see how it feels. When she does, however, she catches herself because she doesn't want you to think "everything is OK", she wants you to know that you are not fully back in. She's afraid that if she starts to warm up to you, that she'll get the full intensity of your spotlight, and that all of your expectations will suddenly fall on her.

Know that this connect / disconnect behavior is normal, and the encouraging part is that she's putting her toe in the water to see how it feels. If you back off and let her pursue a bit, and be patient (yes, I know nearly impossible), she will continue to experiment and will gradually not back off as quickly.

If she's starting to do this more frequently, as infuriating as it is, now may not be the time to move out? What she's doing reflects what she's thinking, and maybe she's starting to think in a positive direction?

--Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Thanks for the response and this all makes sense.

I agree now may not be the time to move out (I actually don't think any time is a good time - but that's a one sided opinion).

We had a pleasant evening yesterday and joked about about a book she's reading that I had already read.

Work is not great right now (we just lost a major client that makes up 25% of our revenues) - so that adds to the pressure, I'm just trying to keep my head down at work and do the best job I can.

[Endeavour]

Peter, I don't mean to hijack your thread, but Accuray that really makes a lot of sense. Thanks for posting that explanation. It seems so obvious now.

[Accuray]

Yeah, I have been using the telephone coaching and it's been very helpful to me. In scenarios like this where my W does something that's very hard to understand, the coach will explain it and then I'm able to respond correctly to keep things moving forward. It's been invaluable really...

My situation has not been nearly as hard or as long as NYCPeter's, but there was an EF involved, so the pain and challenges are different. See my earlier post -- some of this behavior to me is indicative that there is a 3rd party involved, but I'm no expert. Based on the pain I've lived through, NYCPeter has my full empathy.

--Accuray