Gabe is fully aware of the situation. I hide nothing when it comes to the finances. I figure it's the roof over all of our heads and he should know what is going. That doesn't mean he has an ideas for any solutions. His response to all of this? Rub my shoulders and say, "It will work out.". He has no ideas but doesn't have any responsibilities either. My problem, my stupidity.
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T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
"Gabe is fully aware of the situation. I hide nothing when it comes to the finances. I figure it's the roof over all of our heads and he should know what is going. That doesn't mean he has an ideas for any solutions. His response to all of this? Rub my shoulders and say, "It will work out.". He has no ideas but doesn't have any responsibilities either. My problem, my stupidity. "
This is such BS. This is a two-adult household. You aren't Gabe's parent, and Marc has TWO parents. It is not just your problem. What IS a problem is for you to continue to try to be responsible with it by yourself, and it is also emasculating to Gabe.
Tell Gabe that "We need to partner to get ourselves financially on track. I cannot and will not continue to do it alone. It doesn't work and it isn't good for either of us. I'm sorry I haven't given you a chance to be a real partner. What are your ideas?"
So, Gabe's taking your car to work, and you are taking the golf cart. Why isn't the money he was spending on insurance for his broken car going towards the mortgage and groceries?
It's great that he's being emotionally supportive, but he's living there two, and should be pulling his weight.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
There are two adults in the house, yes. Marc has two parents. That is where it ends though. Gabe has his finances and bills and I have mine. The fact that mine are 20 times more than his is not his problem though. He gives me what he can but it doesn't make up the deficit. He didn't create he deficit and I had become dependent on my mom's help after he had left. Now I'm stuck in a mess but it's a mess I'll find a way out of.
What is the alternative? I'm apparently blind OT. I showed him every number, told him what the problems are. He flat out said, "I know, it stinks. What can be done though? You'll work it out." And then walks away. Do I drag him bodily back to the table, tell him to pay up or get out, or go on handling it by myself and keep family peace while having none for myself?
Trying to involve him is futile. I try, honestly I do, but it's like trying to get my son to do homework.....useless!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Tell Gabe that "We need to partner to get ourselves financially on track. I cannot and will not continue to do it alone. It doesn't work and it isn't good for either of us. I'm sorry I haven't given you a chance to be a real partner. What are your ideas?"
If he will not act like your partner, you can at least treat him like a tennant and your child's father rather than a child himself: "Gabe, I'm afraid I can't keep letting you slide on child support, my finances can't handle it. By my calculations you owe x.xx. Please start making regular payments on time and include a portion of the debt. Also, we need to come to an agreement on your portion of the rent and utilities. This is the budget I worked up..."
But, I'd give him a chance to work WITH you first. I haven't seen ANYWHERE that you have done so. It sounds like you showed him you were broke and he said too bad. When did you ask him to participate in building financial stability for your family?
Good point. When did I ask him to participate? I guess never. It was assumed on my part. He was the 'man' of the family and that was his 'job' even though I paid everything, handled all the bills and did all the worrying. That role hasn't changed, it's just missing an entire income with all the same bills.
Man, I really need to grow a pair!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Just and idea but why don't you devise a spreadsheet of all your bills and expenses and show Gabe like you are really proud of it and ask him to help you fill it in. Let him come up with suggestions of his own, you know how men like to 'fix' things. He might surprise you. Give him the chance to step up and to think of solutions instead of you bearing the brunt all the time.
Relationships are like a see-saw remember. The more of one thing one person does, the less the other does.
And they are never going to pick up the slack on their own because from their perspective it's just the division of labor. So, if you want him involved, you have to let him.
He says it'll work out because it always has in the past. And you do the worrying for the both of you, so he doesn't have to.
Step back, give him space to be involved, and ask. I love Julia's idea.
But if that doesn't work, you do need to figure out how much he is going to contribute every month. Your bills aren't as separate as you think. He's living there. That means the mortgage and utilities are his bills too, whether his name is on them or not.
Whether he pays you what he should be paying in child support or pays a set amount towards the mortgage and utilities, something needs to be "his."
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
