not sure how to proceed with going dim. I obviously need to stay in contact with H as it relates to the kids, and he has also said one of his chief complaints about me is I haven't been a good listener through the past few years. He says he doesn't "trust" me to share his thoughts with anymore.
OK, so how do I fix that if I'm "going dark/dim"? I need to minimize contact with him for at least the next two weeks or so while I gain control of my emotions again. I am WAY too angry at his current behavior with OW to even be civil to him at times right now. But I recognize the conundrum here - if I can't be nice to him, we cannot build a friendship AND he won't believe I am actually committed to my stated goal of being someone he can trust to share his feelings with. But if I am friendly and kind (which I am truly finding to be difficult, currently), I feel like I am letting him know that I tacitly accept his affair with the OW.
What do I do? I need to set some boundaries, but also need to demonstrate some of my changes, which will be critical for him to believe we can have a future together. He says my love is "conditional", meaning he thinks I'll only truly LOVE him again if he breaks contact with OW and fully recommits to our marriage. I'm not sure I agree with that statement, as it sounds a bit convoluted to me. But I hear him in spirit, so to speak: he wants to see demonstated changes from me before he commits to reconcile. What's "in it for him" if he comes back now, and things look pretty much the same as they did when he left? So, I get it. But...
How do I put my pride, ego and anger aside and just love him through it, even though he's having an affair?? And how do I walk the line between being friendly and kind and looking like I'm a pursuing idiot with no boundaries? How can he (or I) even respect that?
Someone please help...I am seriously conflicted!! And can I get some tech advice about posting? Seems like my posts take forever to come up, and they are always at the back of the pack. Something I should be doing that I'm not currently? sorry, just new to this type of community board so I'm not as savvy as some other veterans.
