I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[AntoniaB]

You asked if she knows she is being manipulative and I can give you some insight on that again, as a person who formerly would manipulate my XH into doing what I wanted for a long time. This was MY role in the negative side of our marriage, that because of my insecurities, I'd manipulate him into doing or being what I wanted.

In my experience, I knew I was doing it in the beginning. Let's take a simple thing. We'd get asked to go see his family on a holiday weekend to his sister's house an hour or so away. I'd not want to go, because I'd want to spend the whole weekend with him, and because I had such issues with shyness and insecurity that I'd be a wreck around his family, not knowing what to talk about, etc. But I also know his family was abusive towards him as a kid and not very kind even when he was an adult.

So to "get out" of doing what I didn't want to do, I'd start to sweet talk--I'd say "honey, let's go do something FUN this weekend. How about I make you an amazing dinner, and we'll watch some movies, have some wine, etc." He'd say "but we're supposed to go to my sister's for the day." I'd then pout. "What, don't you want to spend time with me?" And he'd say well yeah, but my family...If he argued against me, and my sweet talk didn't work, eventually I'd turn it. I'd say look, they are never very kind when we DO visit. So why do you want to put yourself through that? And it would go on and on until he would then make an excuse and we wouldn't go. If we DID still plan to go, I'd always seem to get sick. Rather, I'd not feel "great", but I'd make it into worse than it was. Invariably, I'd control the whole outcome.

Yes, I was a cold-blooded b*tch sometimes. I had a million excuses to rationalize that behavior, and bottom line? He liked how much it put us into this "us vs. them" mode and he liked that I would move mountains to be with him and him alone. Until he didn't like it anymore and he tried to change and I resisted.

I'm telling you all this so you understand, that on some level, a person who uses manipulation to control another person does know what she is doing--to a point. But when that characteristic defines her, she no longer "knows" she is doing it. It's automatic in her behavior. In the early days, I used to feel badly when I could control my XH, but as the years went on and it became the way we operated, all that would remain of my guilt would be a sick little feeling in the pit of my stomach when I did it. And I learned how to ignore that feeling.

NOW, that I'm so "reformed", I don't get the sick feeling, because I just don't manipulate people anymore to achieve something. I control myself, I don't control others or wish to control them.

I think if she does know she is being this way, she is able to look away from it. She reminds me of me when I was at my worst in that she is willing to hurt you and take your power totally away from you because she is so afraid that the house of cards she has erected to combat her own insecurities is going to come crashing down. She is sacrificing YOU to save herself in the only way she knows how to right now. You can't teach her another way to save herself. It's what is working for her now and she's DARN good at it.

Well, the answer is don't let her make you a sacrifice. Get away from her.

Look this is just a thought I had, in comparing our situations: I was the manipulator/controller and my XH was the one manipulated who often lacked control in his life. When he left me, he became the old me. He became like your wife (though less venomous) and he started to twist and manipulate me. And I became the one controlled, until I learned to walk away and detach from him. Now I'm really "reformed" and I don't honestly know where he is on this path anymore.

I wonder, in your marriage, were you ever a manipulator or controlling person? Did you ever try to manipulate a situation to your own advantage? Did you do this often with her? If you did, then why? Were you insecure, have self-esteem issues, etc?

This is what people say about "digging deep"; you need to look at the facets of your own behavior that might be destructive so that you learn how not to repeat your patterns. I'll tell you, reading her words, it makes me remember in some ways the way I could be when I was at my worst (and I still can't hold a candle to her!) and honestly, I'm embarrassed that I was like that and wish I could take a lot of that back!