let me know if you are near Philadelphia b/c there's a great personal growth workshop there called Essential Experience ("EE"). EE did more for me to get tools for detachment and truly living my life with clarity and intention, than anything else I've ever done. It's Not specifically for marriages so much as individual growth and choices, but that's what you need and it invariably helps the m's. Has to really.
hang in there
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Wanted to make sure everyone sees - I changed my name to In_Shock from maryr_32. There are reasons of privacy that made me do this, so just fyi ---- In_Shock is me!!!!
mary
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I wrote this down where I can see it. From 25Years....my hero, lol.
"reaching out" to her now = pushing her away"
The whole counterintuitive thing is hard, but I'm getting it. I talked to my MIL last friday about many things -- I really want to heal my relationships with that family, not just my W. They are good people. I've been distant....due to my fear of people/extreme shyness. So I have reached out-- and MIL and I had a 3 1/2 hour talk Friday. I felt that we really connected on some level. I really am sorry I haven't been able to be a part of their family due to my own neurotic introversion.....but i can only change the future.
Ok so today for Labor Day I took my elderly mother on some errands, had S4 - had a good morning. Got a text from W that said, "eating at 4 at mom's. Bring S4 at 3:30?" I replied -- OK. I went and got them a nice bottle of wine ( I don't drink at all but they do a little on special occasions) I tried to have no expectations... so when they didn't ask me to stay for dinner/grilling out as I've always done for 13 years....well...I still wanted them to.
I gave MIL a card that basically again told her I want to start over and mend our relationship. Talked a few minutes as I dropped S4 off, and left. W walked me to the car and I said, "Well, I know all the hurt i've caused others took a long time, so I know it will take a long time to heal." I also used the 'marathon not sprint to W regarding my healing relationships etc.... Then I came home alone.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Shock, D@mn expectations. They'll get you every time!
I think when we have that aha moment, we want to tell the world. "I f'ed up. I realize this and I'm gonna change this". It makes sense.
I believe one of the 37 rules is not talk about your changes otherwise they will lose their value or something like that. (I'm paraphrasing). You said what you need to say. Now it's time to stop talking and starting doing. Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val, so true. The ah-ha moment is like---- HEY!!!! Check me out.
Patience Patience Patience. Like so many of us I just want it to be better - mended. But it does take time. Patience is what I'm required to have. God it's hard.
So I came home, played with the dogs. W and S4 still not home yet. It's hard to DB while living together, sleeping in the same bed, but being separated. I've messed up several times with the R talking..... But my DB coach also said 'separation can breed separation" so it's good that W hasn't actually left me -- physically.... I try to keep that in mind.
My body is so sick from not eating, (before anyone says to eat, you know I can't or I would :P) not sleeping enough, and just worrying worrying worrying.....but I'm also trying to GAL === I'm taking a class this semester in addition to my teaching load. It is going to be a really challenging one, so I'm concerned about my ability to actually do the reading/writing....but I'm hoping it will help me focus.
One goal was to reach out to people. I have definitely done that. Went to one of my own new friend's houses the other night. Going out with another next week. Going to see family this coming weekend. GAL. Gotta do it and try to enjoy it
M
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
In regards to eating. Try Clif Bars or Power bars. When I couldn't eat, I would just munch on them. A bite here or there. At least I knew I was getting protein.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
thanks Val. I didn't even think of protein bars. Great idea. I will get some tomorrow.
Well, i blew it again. Damn mouth. R talk. She says her head is not there. She is DONE with me and has been for a long time. She says she has been feeling that way for along time before bomb. she's moved past us. I didn't give her the emotional connection. Etc. etc... etc....
I am SO depressed I want to die. Seriously. I do.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
WHY DO I LET MYSELF GET INTO THIS R TALK?????????? I KNOW no good comes from it. I hate myself and see why she left me at these times!!! Pity party for one.....
Really, she says she's done. We know that with changes, and the fact that she says she still loves me, just not in the way to sustain a relationship....there is hope. My BIG mouth should have just sat there instead of getting drawn into that talk....
I know. They speak in absolute negatives....but what if she really IS done wiht me?? She moved past me months ago.... IS THERE HOPE>?>>> OMG I need to take something and go to bed. I am obsessing and freaking out. Gotta call the DB coach tomorrow and set up something.
I'm SO scared I blew it completely by telling her in the course of the R talk that I am still in love, that i want to repair our family, that I want to have a chance to show her that I can be the person she needs.... she says it's too late.
Anybody have this sitch that worked out>?>?>> God, I'm a mess.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
she did say she does wish things could be with us together, but her head is not there... but she also said she doesn't know if my changes that she said she has noticed (I didn't ask!) will help bring us together.
Of course it doesn't help that OW is emotionally giving her whatever the F I seem to have not been able no matter how hard i tried to give......
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Oh dear, Shock. You're living my life right now. Every R talk I have had with H has just resulted in them cementing more of their absolute negatives. I am done with R talks... I really am.
You're living my life right now. Every R talk I have had with H has just resulted in them cementing more of their absolute negatives. I am done with R talks... I really am.