I'm still here

[~¤DG¤~]

Journaling---

Today was uneventful for the most part. Spent a good majority of it watching TV and relaxing. I did get some domestic things done around the house and went for a walk, but that was the extent of it.

A good friend of mine and her bf have decided to break up. He started moving his stuff out today so I went over there to be with her because she was so upset. I hate this. I hate that we all have to experience such pain. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart.
On my way home, I couldn't help but think about my H. About how much I miss him. About how many times I came home from work with him waiting anxiously to see me and I blew him off. The dishes were more important. Laundry had to be done. Pretty much everything was a priority.
What I wouldn't give for the opportunity to have him be here, to come home and throw my arms around him and kiss him and tell him how much I had missed him while I was at work.
I miss so much. Lying in bed together, him walking behind me with his arms around me while I pushed the cart at the grocery store.
The crazy silly videos he would send me through out the day if I was having a bad day at work.

Yes, we had rough times. Very rough times. We also had great times. I used to say he was my one and only and he'd say I was his only and one.

As I sit here writing all of this with tears streaming down my face, all I want is one more chance. Just one more to show him how much he is loved and missed and that I will never, ever take him for granted again. All those times he professed his love for me but it was never good enough. I was in an emotional coma and I couldn't see anything but myself, and my own pain.
I was so selfish.

I know it is pointless to beat myself up over something I can't change, but I'm feeling hopeless & helpless at the same time. More than ANYTHING I just want my H to come home. To rebuild with me.
I know, I know. I want, I want, I want.

I'm feeling very broken tonight. I could use some prayers.