Semi-WAS on the Seesaw 4Forever

[Endeavour]

There is one thing that really sticks out to me in regards to your m. You BOTH feel unloved and emotionally disconnected.

Do you know what he does that makes you feel that way and vice versa?

Yes, I believe a lot of it stems from his unhealthy dynamic with his family. A lot of this came to the surface today when I read the poem I mentioned above. It's always been there between us and I have shared my issues with friends and family (my parents specifically) over the lack of boundaries with his mother. My own mother was so upset over the way I was treated by his family at times, that she threatened to call his mother and have a talk with her. (Of course, I talked her out of it.)

Even our MC validated my feelings and shared her own MIL issues. Her MIL was angry with her her because she had decided to go back to school to get a Ph.D so she helped me to understand that their often strange issues with me were not really about me. For instance, I was bad-mouthed for being a SAHM for a number of years (and called a gold-digger - hilarious considering my H made so little at the time of my pregnancy) and for getting pregnant before we were married. It was even suggested (by his sister) that I planned my first pregnancy to trap H. This was of course, not true. This same sister was a SAHM for quite awhile and she also got pregnant before marriage, a mere 6 months into the relationship, yet H and I were together for 4 years before my pregnancy, but I was the one who trapped my man. There was always a very distinct double standard at play.

Our MC suggested the women in his family were immature and that jealousy played a role. She said I had to look at the facts -- that I am more educated than all of his family members, that I am considered attractive, that I am fit, that I am well-dressed, yet when they speak of me, they make me out to look like trash because of their own "stuff". My insecurities did not allow me to see these obvious differences and even after counseling, I couldn't fully accept this... I always thought it was my fault. That I was unlikable.

Anyway, there are far too many incidents to go into here but suffice it to say, the family issues and constant incidents weighed heavily on our R. But instead of dealing with it all effectively, I either got very angry and avoided them, or I joined him in coddling his family, specifically his mother. I made it my mission to get his mother and sister to like me, even though it caused me a lot of emotional distress. I eventually gave up on his sister but his mother was very loving towards me at times and we eventually developed a fairly good friendship. However, I never fully trusted her because she would turn on me at the drop of a hat. She was one of those people who was very nice to your face but would cut you down behind your back. Yet, my H worshiped her and put her on a pedestal. It was as if she could do no wrong, even when she was very wrong. He would often call me judgmental, yet ignore his own mother's harsh judgments. This hurt me very deeply and I often felt betrayed.

Anytime my w mentioned something, I truly looked into it. If it was her demon, I did my best to reassure her. If it was my own, I confronted it.

Val, this is good advice and I am trying very hard to take it. But I'm struggling with what is his truth, what is my truth and with what is reality. Because maybe somewhere in the midst lies the answers.

It's easy to love someone in the good times, it becomes much more difficult when they hurt us or when we have to look in the mirror to see how we hurt them.

So my question to you is.. what are you going to do to address this issue?

I'm trying to understand how I contributed to our M problems with my anger and my insecurities. How I rejected him before he could reject me so many times (or his perceived rejection of me because he claims he was reaching out and I didn't notice). And how in so many ways (busyness, kids, concentrating all my energy into my career), I distanced myself from him so that I didn't have to feel the pain of our disconnection.

I'm also going to listen more. I'm going to validate more. I'm going to stop sharing my anger with him. And I'm going to stop talking so much and trying to be his therapist. He thinks I'm more intuitive, more self-aware and more able to break down our issues, whereas he can't process his thoughts as quickly or as concisely. Perhaps, I only contribute to his confusion by participating in the discussions about his confusion. I'm not sure anymore...

Are you willing to spend the time to look? Not just into YOUR feelings, but HIS as well?

Yes, I am, Val. In the past, I was too angry and too hurt to try but now I'm ready.

Are you able to own up to your part and allow him to own up to his part?

Yes, I believe I am working towards this. I can see how I made him feel ashamed and guilty. And unsupported. How I used my hurt to justify rejecting him and how that was wrong. I did it out of fear and isolation, but I see now that I was setting myself up for more rejection.


Anyway, thanks for your post, Val. You've given me lots to think about and I will ponder it all more today, I'm sure. A recent post of yours inspired me and I have been trying to catch up on your sitch lately. (There are simply so many to read so it often takes me quite awhile to feel I'm knowledgeable enough to comment). But we have something in common that I have not mentioned on the board and it drew me to your sitch, but that's all I will say about that. Thanks again.

Btw, do you mind if I ask what I posted that struck a nerve? If not, no worries.