I probably answered some of your questions when I posted to Trusting.
I didn't ask him why the R with the OW ended. I always knew it was doomed because he was 26 years older than her and their R was violatile. Plus, he never quit calling me. She wasn't the real reason for his MLC anyway so I don't give her that much importance.
What happened that he wants to go back to the old? I think it was getting all the MLC crap out of his life. His health became an issue so he had to give up drinking and smoking. With no alcohol to fog his brain, I think clarity finally returned and then he got rid of OW. I always heard that it takes a crisis to end a crisis -- I think his health and fear of dying with lot of unfinished business was his crisis.
It took me a long time to accept that my life with H was over. We were married 20+ years. Time was my enemy but also my ally. As time went by, I finally accepted that H wasn't coming home and I began to concentrate on the terrible things he had done during the MLC. I didnt want THAT man back under any circumstances. I still don't (although I don't really see any signs of the MLC alien lurking within him anymore).
I'm not sure that I want to give up my new life. I don't want to marry H again. He tells me he love me but I can't say it back -- not yet anyway. That bothers him but there are consequences to bad behavior and I think he understands that now.
If we can begin a R that has boundaries, then we might be able to eventually take it a step further. He has to earn my trust. Honestly, I'm not sure it's possible to ever trust someone who has hurt you to the extent that H hurt me. I'm willing to give him a chance but I've got lots of walls between us.
I never stopped loving the "old H" and in the past 6 years I haven't met anyone who could come close to taking his place. I finally stopped trying. I want H to break down those walls and I hope that it can happen someday.
Do you detect confusion within me? On one hand, I want him in my life and on the other hand, I'm afraid to let him back in. If it doesn't happen, I'll be fine -- but I don't think that H will ever be completely out of my life.
