I read some good stuff in another forum on this site today that gave me pause. My "crimes" go back to the beginning of our relationship and I agree 100 percent with my wife that my crime is selfishness in most all forms. I have addressed this in a productive way and she has noticed. Does it piss her off? Yes. A bit too little too late, but I find amusement in this because I see that she notices.
I grew up in a single parent home until i moved out to go to college (never finished). My mother worked to support 2 kids on a single income. I raised myself and learned to not trust anyone. I go out of the way to not rock the boat so I can avoid conflict that demands people know how I really feel. And this is where i struggle now.....
For almost a year I've tried to pursue my wife so she would know that I do love her deeply. This has been opposite of our R over the years. She's always been a giver and me a taker. Do not get me wrong, I enjoyed suprising her with glaring signs of affection, but they were all too far apart. I learned much from reading "5 Love Languages", and I have her pinned even if I'm still not sure what mine is. I'm steering off course.
.....Where I struggle is is knowing what exactly she wants from me. I do the natural in that I do more around the house, well just about everything now since she doesn't care anymore. That's just simple stuff of low impact. I'm happy and cheery 24/7 and she claims to not like that, but I choose happiness vs. the alternative. That annoys her too, but I figure that's because she's angry with me and her life in general - so WTF am I so happy about?
We've had very few "talks" over the summer. Which is nice since we weren't even talking much at all about anything for months on end. I'm trying to find in these talks what it is she wants from me. Is it listening to her, really listening. Does she want to know how I "feel"? I just don't think I get it. Every time over the past year of this nightmare, if I expressed how I felt it seemed to "frustrate" her and it made me feel like I was dependent on her. Or does she just need me to listen to her without trying to offer my opinion about anything?
I've been running with the second option, but there still seems like there's more missing. I've put a lot of positive focus on the kids and they respond in kind. I've been putting a lot of positive focus on keeping our cramped living conditions presentable. I don't know what more I can do. She told me last week she feels trapped and that she feels she's beneath me and can't stand that. What the heck am I supposed to do about that?! Quit a good paying job and go work for minimum wage? And I will mention that I've never disrespected my wife or belittled her - that I'm aware of. I've never said a disparaging word about her to anyone - This I know.
I'm back in college again on top of working 44+ hours a week and I'm doing as good this time around as I always knew I would if I'd applied myself the first time. This also frustrates her. She doesn't trust me and "expects" me to not finish again. She also wants to go to college ( never finished ), but she will not elaborate on why she doesn't go.
She's angry with me. She blames herself for me. She's depressed - so she says. She wants to be friends, but can't do small talk with me - she's not at that point yet ( her words ). She's trapped in a basket of life with rotten eggs. She doesn't trust me at all. She can't elaborate on her issues with me, only that she "knows" what she feels. She doesn't want to do anything with me outside the home. She doesn't want to be around me inside the home. She thinks I'm telling the kids things instead of thinking that they may actually be hurt by our marital rift & don't know how to express themselves.
There are some complaints that she has that are fair and unfair.
**I'm not close to my family like she is to hers. Honest truth is I'm closer to her family than my own. She doesn't understand that raising yourself from childhood to adulthood doesn't mean you don't love your family, it just means you don't know what family is. HINT HINT
**I don't have friends. Agreed. Oddly enough when I used to go out once a week after sporting events with the guys for a couple beers, she complained I didn't do anything with her. So I stopped years ago to spend more time as a family. When mutual friends asked me to do something with them she seemed put off that she wasn't included so I turned down everything that she wasn't able to partake in. Now all these mutual friends are hers and I'm the odd man out. My trust issues get in the way of making any new "hang out" friends, but I'm looking into volunteer work as a means to meet new people and because I feel really good about life right now I hope some of that can rub off on others in need.
**I say things sometimes around people that confuse them. This I see as anger driven on her part. When standing in a group of people and nobody is saying a damn thing I like to engage in conversation and will often throw out inquiries into someones kids activities or about their job or something that doesn't require someone to have to "think", but can spur conversation. The way I see it is if I'm so uncomfortable to talk to, why do all these same people come over to me and engage me in conversation. If I'm sitting and reading a book, minding my own business, why would someone feel obligated to come over and start talking to me if they didn't like talking to me?
**I frown a lot and she always thinks I'm angry or upset. This one is a daily process for me to address. I have a minor case of ADD ( recent diagnosis ). My mind is constantly running like a spinning wheel so I've always got something going on upstairs. Not realizing I'd been doing this for years, I've come to realize it's always been something I did in order to 'control' an over active thought process. I've been on the meds for about 6 months now and it helps with that and I work on relaxing my forehead all the time. I also try to think of something that amuses me when she's around and it helps me smile with little to no effort.
I get that MLC is an undefined biological/neurological science, but why? There's so many stories in these forums that are so similar. There are active solutions to power through this nightmare and yet it is so difficult. I'm a social person in my own way, but I'm equally happy sitting in quiet contemplation. My wife is a social person. What bothers me so darn much lately is that other than my sister and my sister-in-law, everyone who's heard the "rumors"(divorced/divorcing) seems to think I'm moping around the house everyday and crying myself to sleep every night. None of them could be further from the truth! I'd almost think I was in denial about all this if wasn't for the fact that my work life has improved and my school work is pushing honor role ( damn algebra killed my GPA! ). Only 1 person has actually confronted me about the divorce rumor and I was glad to tell them that we are in fact married and my missing presence is due to my own schedule and not some flippin' legal document.
It is mentioned: A month for every year we've been together. Well, considering I'm only in my third month of being internally/externally happy 24/7, I'd say I got another full year before she "trusts" me for anything again. The one positive I've been holding onto all this time is that even though she sleeps in the living room, at least she comes home and we're still technically married.
I'm to a point where I don't think about missing the touch of her hand on mine, or a hug, or a smile directed at me. Those are all part of a distant life some 12+ months ago. Writing that doesn't hurt anymore.....
