Definitly food for thought on that "moving target" part. As I had anticipated, my wife was in a good mood today around me. She's showing a pattern of "good moods" around me when she vents on me. Hmmmmm.....
If it works now, will it continue to work that way? It's a huge amount of pressure off of her when she lets me have it. I can see it. She cries some. I can see her shedding layers of pent up frustration. It's good for her now, but not sure for how much longer.
I do want to engage her more frequently this way. The more she lets it out the better she seems to feel. I also get more opportunities to test my own sense of self worth and confidence. I also get to "listen" to her - let her speak and maybe open her up to sharing and trusting a bit more.
I'm not speaking of cornering her or coming at her with "tell me I'm worthless for you". I'm just saying that I'm interested in finding ways to provide her the opportunity to vent at me. My distance with her is nothing new for the past 10 years, I've had trust issues all my life. So detaching from her is same old me, but pursuing her is pushing her away in frustration. The difference maker that I'm seeing right now is "listening" to her. Something I haven't done before. I'm very interested in giving her the stage and microphone and seeing and hearing what she has to say without interruption. I do believe the results are quite positive and if I can find an underhanded way to make a third test of my experiment happen, we shall have more results.
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Another thing I've noticed. She's talking to people now and taking them up on their advice on things. Not "leave him" type stuff, but "he's a good guy, talk to him" stuff. She doesn't feel comfortable with it because I think she expects me to get defensive and interrupt her as usual.
I'm not 100% into this advice stuff at all. Her family and I are taking the approach of just giving her time and space to sort it out. Her family has expressed their dismay at her treatment of me and have come to me with their support. I've not talked about this at all with my wife. i do not want to cause a rift. I also do not make it a habit of talking with my wife's family as this is my fight. I'm the first to be blamed for all that wrong with her and I expect to be the last person forgiven. As for those of her friends that don't know me very well, they all "assume" that I'm moping about and depressed. They couldn't be further from the truth so I do not much appreciate their efforts to provide advice and support to her in that I think they are counter productive.
***DISCLAIMER*** I am not a glutton for punishment. I do not harbor resentment towards my wife. I do not cry or get bent on hearing the things my wife says to me. I am not her doormat, nor am I her whipping boy. I no longer fear my wife ( her leaving me ) and I don't believe much of what she says. I have no fear of believing one word of her critisizms of me. I see opportunity in engaging her about her feelings, because I can see she hasn't challenged her feelings about me, only accepted them at face value. I want her to tell me every damn day that she doesn't love me and doesn't want to be married to me. I know in the depth of my soul that she will one day "hear" what she's saying to me. When she does, it's all upwards from there.
I've already hit my rock bottom a few months back. I'm all upwards since then. Thank you all for your insight.
I read some good stuff in another forum on this site today that gave me pause. My "crimes" go back to the beginning of our relationship and I agree 100 percent with my wife that my crime is selfishness in most all forms. I have addressed this in a productive way and she has noticed. Does it piss her off? Yes. A bit too little too late, but I find amusement in this because I see that she notices.
I grew up in a single parent home until i moved out to go to college (never finished). My mother worked to support 2 kids on a single income. I raised myself and learned to not trust anyone. I go out of the way to not rock the boat so I can avoid conflict that demands people know how I really feel. And this is where i struggle now.....
For almost a year I've tried to pursue my wife so she would know that I do love her deeply. This has been opposite of our R over the years. She's always been a giver and me a taker. Do not get me wrong, I enjoyed suprising her with glaring signs of affection, but they were all too far apart. I learned much from reading "5 Love Languages", and I have her pinned even if I'm still not sure what mine is. I'm steering off course.
.....Where I struggle is is knowing what exactly she wants from me. I do the natural in that I do more around the house, well just about everything now since she doesn't care anymore. That's just simple stuff of low impact. I'm happy and cheery 24/7 and she claims to not like that, but I choose happiness vs. the alternative. That annoys her too, but I figure that's because she's angry with me and her life in general - so WTF am I so happy about?
We've had very few "talks" over the summer. Which is nice since we weren't even talking much at all about anything for months on end. I'm trying to find in these talks what it is she wants from me. Is it listening to her, really listening. Does she want to know how I "feel"? I just don't think I get it. Every time over the past year of this nightmare, if I expressed how I felt it seemed to "frustrate" her and it made me feel like I was dependent on her. Or does she just need me to listen to her without trying to offer my opinion about anything?
I've been running with the second option, but there still seems like there's more missing. I've put a lot of positive focus on the kids and they respond in kind. I've been putting a lot of positive focus on keeping our cramped living conditions presentable. I don't know what more I can do. She told me last week she feels trapped and that she feels she's beneath me and can't stand that. What the heck am I supposed to do about that?! Quit a good paying job and go work for minimum wage? And I will mention that I've never disrespected my wife or belittled her - that I'm aware of. I've never said a disparaging word about her to anyone - This I know.
I'm back in college again on top of working 44+ hours a week and I'm doing as good this time around as I always knew I would if I'd applied myself the first time. This also frustrates her. She doesn't trust me and "expects" me to not finish again. She also wants to go to college ( never finished ), but she will not elaborate on why she doesn't go.
She's angry with me. She blames herself for me. She's depressed - so she says. She wants to be friends, but can't do small talk with me - she's not at that point yet ( her words ). She's trapped in a basket of life with rotten eggs. She doesn't trust me at all. She can't elaborate on her issues with me, only that she "knows" what she feels. She doesn't want to do anything with me outside the home. She doesn't want to be around me inside the home. She thinks I'm telling the kids things instead of thinking that they may actually be hurt by our marital rift & don't know how to express themselves.
There are some complaints that she has that are fair and unfair.
**I'm not close to my family like she is to hers. Honest truth is I'm closer to her family than my own. She doesn't understand that raising yourself from childhood to adulthood doesn't mean you don't love your family, it just means you don't know what family is. HINT HINT
**I don't have friends. Agreed. Oddly enough when I used to go out once a week after sporting events with the guys for a couple beers, she complained I didn't do anything with her. So I stopped years ago to spend more time as a family. When mutual friends asked me to do something with them she seemed put off that she wasn't included so I turned down everything that she wasn't able to partake in. Now all these mutual friends are hers and I'm the odd man out. My trust issues get in the way of making any new "hang out" friends, but I'm looking into volunteer work as a means to meet new people and because I feel really good about life right now I hope some of that can rub off on others in need.
**I say things sometimes around people that confuse them. This I see as anger driven on her part. When standing in a group of people and nobody is saying a damn thing I like to engage in conversation and will often throw out inquiries into someones kids activities or about their job or something that doesn't require someone to have to "think", but can spur conversation. The way I see it is if I'm so uncomfortable to talk to, why do all these same people come over to me and engage me in conversation. If I'm sitting and reading a book, minding my own business, why would someone feel obligated to come over and start talking to me if they didn't like talking to me?
**I frown a lot and she always thinks I'm angry or upset. This one is a daily process for me to address. I have a minor case of ADD ( recent diagnosis ). My mind is constantly running like a spinning wheel so I've always got something going on upstairs. Not realizing I'd been doing this for years, I've come to realize it's always been something I did in order to 'control' an over active thought process. I've been on the meds for about 6 months now and it helps with that and I work on relaxing my forehead all the time. I also try to think of something that amuses me when she's around and it helps me smile with little to no effort.
I get that MLC is an undefined biological/neurological science, but why? There's so many stories in these forums that are so similar. There are active solutions to power through this nightmare and yet it is so difficult. I'm a social person in my own way, but I'm equally happy sitting in quiet contemplation. My wife is a social person. What bothers me so darn much lately is that other than my sister and my sister-in-law, everyone who's heard the "rumors"(divorced/divorcing) seems to think I'm moping around the house everyday and crying myself to sleep every night. None of them could be further from the truth! I'd almost think I was in denial about all this if wasn't for the fact that my work life has improved and my school work is pushing honor role ( damn algebra killed my GPA! ). Only 1 person has actually confronted me about the divorce rumor and I was glad to tell them that we are in fact married and my missing presence is due to my own schedule and not some flippin' legal document.
It is mentioned: A month for every year we've been together. Well, considering I'm only in my third month of being internally/externally happy 24/7, I'd say I got another full year before she "trusts" me for anything again. The one positive I've been holding onto all this time is that even though she sleeps in the living room, at least she comes home and we're still technically married.
I'm to a point where I don't think about missing the touch of her hand on mine, or a hug, or a smile directed at me. Those are all part of a distant life some 12+ months ago. Writing that doesn't hurt anymore.....
You asked me if I needed help. I have found a question if you're still checking back here....
I've read and received great inspiration from so many people and the stories that are really great are the ones where the MLC spouse leaves and then returns to R. My wife and I still live under the same roof if not in the same room. There are those that are speaking of how the MLC'er might need time alone to really be able to sort out and face their anger and truly question it. I'm beginning to worry.
What happens to the MLC spouse if they don't move out?
I don't want my wife to leave, but how will she ever question her anger towards me if she sees me almost every day? What the heck am I supposed to do? Does this mean I should multiply my time frame expectations?
Dang it! Doesn't look like I'm going to bed happy tonight.....
Hello Sadak....I am sorry you are here. There is alot of support on this board. Alot of good people that has been where u are now, including myself.
What I wanted to talk to you about is the fact that you are an "introvert". I am dating a guy that is also an introvert, and I have to say, if you are anything like him, it has to have been a VERY difficult life for your wife at times. I dont understand and WILL NEVER understand how someone can NOT express affection toward someone they love. My bf is not very affectionte, loves to be alone and in fact needs to have a couple days a week COMPLETELY alone. He loves to read, which is good....watch movies and be on his computer. He has NO friends outside of work. His days include, working, home and movies or internet. THAT IS IT! He also most of the time NEVER expresses how he feels unless prompted. He says I already should know these things.
I am telling you this because I want you to realize, if this is you, and from what i read most of it is....this is VERY hard for someone to live with, especially if they are complete opposite. I dont know if your wife is MLC or not, maybe its just a case of being rejected so many times she is numb. I know how this can feel. The five love languages is a GREAT book. Everyones love language is NOT the same. Mine is verbal/touch/feel. My bfs, i believe, is doint good deeds. This book will help you understand alot.
I will say after awhile of being with someone that is unemotional and detached from everything....it is a numb feeling. It is exhausting trying to lay hints of what you need. Even at times expressing your needs, only to fall on deaf ears. Sadak after years of this, I can only imagine how numb your wife feels. Because I am getting there myself. It is gonna take time for her to see that you mean business. Dont give up on her. I hope you dont take offense to what I am saying. I just wanted you to know I know what its like to live with an introvert and be an extrovert yourself.
Thanks for the input. I take no offense to much of anything. I'm very laid back. Besides, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't living in the brutal honesty that is my broken marriage.
I'm not 'that' introverted. I don't need time alone or away. I learned early on that my wife didn't like me being on the computer all the time so I've pretty much nipped that in the bud years back. It's actually to the point where I'm not on a computer if it doesn't pertain to work or school.
So with that said - no I have no face book account. It's actually a personal thing. Once my wife shut down on me she was all over facebook and on her phone checking that account. It got to the point that I hate FB and refuse to give it my time and effort. It's kind of counter productive since I'd love to chat as I have so much to say that's been inside for so long. Hence my replies are huge.....
I admit to not having friends outside of work, but that's because I always thought our friends were mutual and we did things together. I take part in team sports and at times will hang out after games, but my priorities are different. I don't feel like I need people to validate my existence. Granted, the hard part is I've learned a lot about me since I woke up back in June and I have so much happiness that I want to share it with others. Problem is, I have to 'develop' friendships and I'm trying.
I'm here for answers and insight. As I get to know people I learn to care about them as it is natural to bear your heart and not care about the people that listen to you.
I'm trying to get into volunteer work to meet new people and give reason to be happy over to others. My schedule is tough and interfering.
Is my wife just burnt out? That's just another fork in the road for me at this point. It may explain some of her behavior, but I would think she would have more insight into her 'feelings' and instead of telling me "I don't know why" when she tells me she's annoyed with me, among other things she says. She offers no explanation to any claims she offers. I don't badger her, but I will inquire about some things when she confronts me.
My greatest concern at this point is that I know that actions speak louder than words and it just seems like my actions have done nothing for over a year now....... Aside from feeling better about life.
