H walked in handed me a iced latte and he's now outside washing his truck...
Anyway, I admit I snooped earlier, even though it's frowned up on DB because I wanted to know if he's seen a L. Also, an A is a dealbreaker for me so finding out WOULD change my course. I already have serious trust issues with H. An A would be my final boundary and I know that without a doubt. I would eventually forgive him for my sake and for the childrens, but I would not be in an R with him again. I know that about myself. I've been through too much with him already. Although, I have great respect for those who can do it so it's not a judgment on anyone's choices.
Back to the snooping - I found a poem he had written and it's disturbing me. He told me he stopped by and visited his childhood home recently, and that the new owners invited him in.
The poem is about his mother and that house. In it, he says that it's been more than 2 years (2 1/2 years) since her death and that he still cries everyday. He expresses that he believes he has to start over to grief. He makes reference to his parents divorce and how it hurt him so deeply because he never saw them fight (they separated 22 years ago when he was 19). How the best years of his life were spent in his childhood home and that family got the best of him. (This makes me sad for our kids as well because I'd like to think his best years were spent being a father to them). The poem was so full of love and longing (how he couldn't stop thinking about his mother and missing her everyday) and if I didn't read the words mother in it so many times, it would sound like he was talking about a lost lover. It made me feel very weird and uncomfortable to read it.
I have developed a close bond with my father over the past decade and I would be devastated by his death. But to believe I had to leave my M to grieve, or to express that I couldn't stop thinking obsessively about him everyday after 2 1/2 years? Well, I would feel that was very unhealthy. Maybe I'm being judgmental. I haven't lost a parent though so perhaps some who has could weigh in?
When H's mother was alive, I always felt their relationship was co-dependent. He was afraid to make her angry. He allowed her to manipulate him. He didn't stand up to her when she was hurtful towards me or our children. Even in counseling, both MC's we saw said he needed to have firmer boundaries with his mother but he was always hesitant to enforce them. In many ways, it was as if he never severed the bond from his childhood family or fully embraced his role as husband and father. This was something that always concerned me. It was part of the reason I found it hard to see him as a strong, independent man. I never felt he had forged a healthy adult relationship with his mother. It often seemed like she was more important to him than me, than our children, that she was more loved.
After reading the poem, I am beginning to believe that she was the great love of his life.
