E, I am really hesitant to post something about your sitch cause something you posted recently really struck a nerve (not a bad one). So take my post with the understanding that I'm prolly not biased when it comes to this... Just sayin.
First off time and space is good. It helps sift through the BS of what is your truth, his truth, anger, fear, etc. That crap just takes time. Last month..all I could see was all the bad stuff w did to me. This month as football season hits, I'm missing all the good stuff. It is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to go through this but IMO it's absolutely necessary in order for you to figure out how to move forward (not move on). It's a necessity for growth.
That being said. There is one thing that really sticks out to me in regards to your m. You BOTH feel unloved and emotionally disconnected.
Do you know what he does that makes you feel that way and vice versa?
I remember when w told me she wanted a D. I knew it was coming so we did it through our MC who is an imago therapist (I heart imago therapy, it's not unlike DBing). She was crying and she said to me. "I would get mad at you for taking advice from friends and hanging out w/ friends. I figured if you had them, you wouldn't need me.. and then what was I good for"
That broke my heart. At first, I beat myself up for it. How could I have reassured her that what she "felt" was not true?? But I realized that I did everything I could there. Those were her demons, and I couldn't give her the self worth that she needed.
She also told me that she felt unloved because our m was always focused on me. I did all the talking at the dining room table, I always made her feel guilty when she had a ton of work. I also looked at that. And she was right. So I started working on it.
Anytime my w mentioned something, I truly looked into it. If it was her demon, I did my best to reassure her. If it was my own, I confronted it.
As you know.. I'm still getting a D but you know what my w still tells me... that she appreciated how loving I was to her even though she was dropping the D bomb. And I think she truly believes it.
I still continue to look at ways my w felt unloved by me.. and I still work on them. When she is confronted by her demon, I try to reassure her. Unfortunately with limited contact mixed with a ton of feelings, this is hard to do but I told her that I loved her and I do. It's easy to love someone in the good times, it becomes much more difficult when they hurt us or when we have to look in the mirror to see how we hurt them.
So my question to you is.. what are you going to do to address this issue?
Are you willing to spend the time to look? Not just into YOUR feelings, but HIS as well?
Are you able to own up to your part and allow him to own up to his part?
IMHO - if you do, you may find some answers to your list above as well as find some 180s to change the dynamic in your r.
That's my .02
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
