After 3 weeks of constant contact

[25yearsmlc]

look at this as a "recon mission" and you are there to get information from her about where SHE is wanting things to go. SO LISTEN...get data...

You don't have to commit to anything but that you promise to process what she has said & need time to think it all over. Decide nothing.

Listen...and listen some more. Do not just react.

Have some mystery about what you have been doing b/c at some level she has to see that she is risking losing you if she is endlessly undecided...(which is true)

Nothing punitive, no lying, but a bit of mystery, be vague if she presses you for info on what YOU were doing. Steer the conversation back to topic--which is why she wanted to meet.

Get info from her but without asking for it. (Not endlessly questioning her).
Let her offer it. Don't worry so much about this and that of if you freeze up, or what to do when you greet her, wait for her to move. If she makes no move,
Look for a place to sit or walk. If she goes in for the hug (my guess)
you can give her a gentle hug but don't latch on, etc.

Be strong (or look like it). A man freaking out and not in control of himself
is not attractive.

A strong man is in control of his emotions; he doesn't try to control others.
Strong men are attractive.

Know you are a good catch. Own your part in the marital problems but don't grovel.

There are two answers if she begins to rehash the problems or things you did that bugged her. (but try to stay focussed on the relationship "[i]from this day forward"...)[/i]

1) If she revises the marital history so wildly and inaccurately or makes things up wholly, you say "Wow, I don't recall it that way at all, but I"m sorry you felt hurt/upset"...

2) IF she revises but there is some or a lot of validity and truth to what she says,

you say "I see that now and if I had it to do over again, there are a lot of things I would do differently."

Neither answer is argumentative and both indicate change on your end.

She has to believe the marriage can improve or she wont' come back. That is the bottom line, so don't waste time arguing that it was a good marriage and she just didn't see it. That will not work.

She left THAT marriage. You have to show her that the new improved marriage is sooo worth the efforts b/c you are a man only a fool would leave.

good luck

[Lonely Room]

Hi there,

Things got a bit down in the last few days, since my wife returned from holiday. And I'm down with it also... I let myself gain some hope with what she told me, and I'm suffering from it now.

Since the day she returned she is more absent. The stopped contacting me as often as she was, and she's also colder in her contacts. I left a couple of days pass, always being receptive and gentle with her, and asked her if I did anything wrong or if she was mad with me. She said no, that I didn't do anything wrong and she wasn't mad with me.

Later she asked if she was a deception and frustrating. I asked why she asked that, and she said that she doesn't know what she wants from the future and seems to take very long times to take steps. I said that it's probably the way things have to be and that I was still here.

I really don't know what to think. I can't explain her change and I'm afraid of letting myself get even more hurt as I am now, because I let hope grow in my heart in the last couple of weeks...

Do any of you have any words that might help my situation? How can I protect myself without closing doors to my wife? Thank you very much.

[Willing1]

Lonely Room, I wish I had words of wisdom but I am only a month into my situation and my W has been all over the place. I thought there was another M in the deal, then I thought she just wanted to go find someone else, I ended up coming to the realization that she doesn't know what she wants and certainly has no clue as to what she is feeling or why. I do believe she wants to feel better or different or just feel anything at all. She is so numb and lost. Unfortunately, I can't help her. The best thing I can do is work on me. I am seeing a counselor and reading the Divorce Remedy book (great book-a must read for folks in our shoes). I have to work on me and try to give her space. It is not easy to really be a good friend to someone but I know it is the right thing to do no matter what she says or does or doesn't do.....I need to be a good friend to her. Thinking of my wife as sick and not bad has helped. She is depressed and confused and suffering MLC (at a minimum) and that makes her sick in my book. I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I can say that my life is not as hard as it was 30 days ago. There is a list of 37 things to do (and not do) on the forum. You may want to find that list and print it out. I did and it helped. Hang in there. MikeD