time and distance

[In_Shock]

Oh AC.... Please don't self medicate. Get some anti-anxiety and/or anti depressants. Self medicating is so dangerous.

One thing you said really hit me --"I am somewhat flabbergasted that my partner of 20 years can just eradicate me from her life. I wouldn't be able to do that to her. Maybe that is my problem" This sounds like so many of us that find ourselves here. I cannot believe that my partner of 13 years can move on happily with OW, seemingly forgetting the whole sharing a life/family/good and bad/ better and worse stuff. I've had a really difficult time accepting that she might be able to do that.

We have to keep giving them time and space, yes, but at the same time keep taking care of ourselves. I have days when absolutely nothing makes me smile. He!!, if I won the lottery, right now it's likely I would pay off my house and then go back inside and cry. *** ridiculous but true!

[any chance?]

OK, I just have to say it: I miss my W terribly. I keep telling myself that she is gone for good, no looking back for her, for that is certainly how it seems. Time to move on, time to forge a new life and leave all this behind. The last 2-3 years were rugged, but nothing like some of the sitches on this board. Sometimes I wish W would look at this board for perspective, but that is not going to happen.

But part of me says she is a WAW in a fog. Needs time and space to sort things out. Her not contacting me for the past couple of weeks is just her way of seeking inner peace and perspective on independence. She needs this time, I tell myself.

But then the churning in my stomach tells me I am a fool. Holding out hope for the impossible. Our separations is in its infancy according to others on this board, but I already find myself asking how much of this catastrophic loneliness and emptiness can I stand?

I apologise for my repetitiveness. My mind seems to be caught in a closed loop. I wish I had any idea what was running through W's mind, but I know that is unknowable and out of my control.

Tomorrow starts a new week. Struggling for a new perspective. Need to break the closed loop.

Thanks for listening

[any chance?]

Today is better than yesterday. Actually trying to focus and get some work done. It IS Labor Day.

Put a new sign on my desk: Focus and Follow Through. Right next to the GAL sign.

Hope it works.

[Valeska19]

Hey AC,
Sorry you are having a rough weekend. No need to apologize. Express your feelings here. We've all been there or are there.

Your feelings are completely normal. It is extremely difficult during the first month or two of the separation. ((( ))).

IMO - The thing about feelings is that they kinda can't be trusted. Not while we are in our own pain.. our own fog at least. We go back and forth so many times. One minute we want to give up, the next minute we want to fight like he!!.

Realize your rollercoaster and try not to make any decisions while you are on it. The saying is "when you're ready, you will know".

It's silly but time really does help. Unfortunately that is out of your control. Control You, Live in today. Don't worry about the future.

Hang in there.

[any chance?]

Glad that week is over. The personal rollercoaster is non-stop. NC from W for two weeks now. She is apparently living her new life and cutting me out of it. I cannot dwell, but it is quite painful.

Busy week here, so my mind should be occuppied. Now if I could just sleep beyond 4AM, that would be good.

Knee is almost healed, so I can be back on the bike and gym this week. Physical activity will certainly help.

[~¤DG¤~]

Hi AC-

Sorry your struggling. Reading your posts from the past few days I can completely relate.
It is hard to not obsess over all the ifs/ands/but's even if we know it isn't doing anything but driving ourselves crazy. It's hard being the LBS, I wonder if it is easier being the WAS.
Some days my biggest accomplishment is getting out of bed for the day, and then others I can function like there isn't anything wrong in my life at all. What is hard for me to deal with is I make plans for the future anticipating that my H will not be a part of it. That makes me very, very sad.

Just hang in there AC, we'll get through this.

[2stepboogie]

AC I have not posted to you before but I know you have read some of my post on my own thread. I thank you.

Last night I was reading some of those post while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep and came across one of your post on my sitch, I cannot recall which one or what you said but I do remember thinking I wanted to come over and read up on you.

As I sat waiting for my D to get her hair done at the salon I decided to read and finally a few minutes ago finished.

Your sitch and mine seem very similar and while I agree that most of us share a lot of similarities it is the details that drew me to your sitch and your reaction.

Your thought process and mine are very similar.

Your wife has moved 1500 miles away and assuming you live in one of the coast, your W and mine are practically neighbors.

I live in the E coast and she lives in OK now.

I remember the day she left and I remember helping her pack the boxes.

I remember sitting at our dinner table eating the night before she left.

There was no screaming, insulting, or malice. It was, how should I say, pleasant company.

The R between your W and you mirror the interaction between my X and me.

I am afraid I have no words of wisdom to share only the solemn knowledge in knowing that others have walked in your shoes and have felt the agony and despair of losing the person you love. I will attempt to answer some of your question from the perspective of someone who is a little further down the rd.

She is very comfortable in her new city and neighborhood. Likes her new rental home, and is looking forward to fixing it up. She has already started to apply for jobs.

You know I thought this all the time.....A few weeks would go by and I did not hear from her, of course I assumed life for her was just grand without me and she was so busy with her new and exciting life that she had no time to call. When I spoke to her a few times she mentioned how she loved her new apartment and how she had the freedom to do with it as she pleased. Words that I am sure were not meant to hurt but left a pain in my soul I have not ever felt prior.

Truth of the matter was quite different

A few shorts months she left her apartment and moved to another "new and exciting" life.

That lasted two months

Will your W follow suit?

Who knows.....The point is that it is rarely as grandiose as we think. Reality is much different than our imagination.

Says she is having ups and downs, and had to get off the phone after a while before she started to cry. Says she clearly needs time to sort things out, to clear her head and give herself time to heal.

This is all true and they do have their ups and down. It is a progression of sorts and while it appears you are moving away from each other in reality you are moving towards each other with the distance but not with the intent that you might think.

Imagine you are starting in point A while she is at point C both moving towards point B.

Right now emotionally she seems so far away from you and unreachable, detached, distant, and cold, you of course are devastated but you continue to live and move forward. One day at a time one minute at a time sometimes. You would like to get to C where she is because that is where the "healing" appears to be.

As you walk towards your 'goal' everyday you get stronger, but you must be mindful that some days you will regressed, but you walk.

On the other hand her "new" life begins to lose its shine and splendor. The excitement begins to wear off and the things that brought her temp pleasure no longer have that ability. Now she begins to move away from the safe haven that is point C back towards you.

As time passes and things transpire by nature’s course alone you will grow stronger and stronger, no matter how hard you fight it or how much you resist.

In time you will meet at B, you on your way to C and she on her way to A.

I hope that makes sense.

I see it now with me. My X has spiraled downward in so many ways and I hear it in her voice it is a sense you get in your gut and no matter how many techniques you use or 'tools' you employ the number one thing we all need we already posses......our gut.

and there is no way to know how it will end up

If you could know the answer right now without having to go through the pain would you want to know?

Have to wonder what things will look like several months down the road.

I asked myself this question all the time.

In Nov I just could not wait for May or June to see where I was

In June I could not wait for Sept

Today I catch myself thinking about what next spring will look like.

It is pointless I guess.

For everything there is a season. All things end, and this too shall pass.

but undoubtedly worry that if she establishes a new home, job and friends, that our M and home will just fade into the background noise.

This is all true and a very real concern, one that I shared the more rooted she became the harder my chances to save this thing were.

In less than one year she has uprooted 3 times. If she drove 1500 miles in one direction surely if the desire is there she can drive 1500 miles in the other direction..

Do you wait for that?

NO. You move on. Right now IT IS OVER and the sooner you accept that the faster you will heal.

She is apparently living her new life and cutting me out of it. I cannot dwell, but it is quite painful.

I wish I could tell you that 11 months into it the pain is gone but the truth is that it still lingers but it is MUCH MUCH less.

Today has been a little sad for me...the weather, chores, D getting ready to go back to school, certain memories. Tomorrow might now be. 10 months ago I stared at a computer screen hoping to find my answers. Today I do better in educating myself than in self pity.

Stay strong and I hope in some small way this helps.

You want to know the chain of events...

I have posted all conversations and timelines on my threads, like I said. It seems very similar to me.

Best of Luck
2step

[any chance?]

2step:
Wow. My thanks for your time and effort, and mostly for your wisdom. I need to digest your comments. I have visited your posts, but need to go back again to comprehend.

You have been in this place for 11 months. It took me 2.5 years of turmoil to get to where I am, but I have only been in this place for 3 weeks. 3 weeks is nothing. You have an X. I have no idea what I have. But I do know you are correct:

.."Right now IT IS OVER and the sooner you accept that the faster you will heal..."

I need to embrace that. I cannot dwell. She is where is she, physically and mentally, and I am no longer in her life. Realizing I am not even in her thought process is killing me. I am too strong to let this destroy me. Perhaps someday she will recognize what she has lost. Doubt it. But maybe.

2step, my thanks. Your efforts mean alot.

[♪CS♪]

This reminds me of a line a vet posts here...

"You are already dead"

I never thought much about it for a long time. But heading into battle. Does this create strength or weakness? Help bread success? Or admit failure?

[sandi2]

What is the greatest fear when heading into battle? Usually, it is the fear of death. But since you are already "dead", that should take the greatest fear away and thereby causing you to be quite a warrior.

I think that's the basic concept and it sounds good, but like everything else.....I would think it's harder to do. I think we can see a few DB Zombies walking around.

((hugs))