Ok first thing, the reasons for the move is absolutely no money, I have filled over 35 applications, all denied or already filled, no transportation, no sleeping place other than "at home", and only place I can sleep I cannot store anything that I need to have. The place I can sleep is her brothers (who is on my side), problem with that, is I have overstayed my welcome with my tears and he is unwilling to change his mind.
As far as the problems. It is complicated, but I will do a best short sweet I can. We got together 05/03/02. The first month I was a gentleman, then I began to turn 'ass holish'. Begged her back during the blackout of '03. Things were better, but up's and downs. Asked her to marry me while we were pregnant with our first. Married 10/14/04, baby was born 11/21/04. Second child was born 12/03/06. I realized by this point that I was treating her unfairly as a wife (unsure why) and made a bad decision to attempt to leave her. I began a fakeish emotional affair with someone to push her away because I honestly believed at the time that I was no good for her. I got drunk one night (LONG story, I never drink, ever before or after) and blacked out. During the blackout, I had a one time infidelity with the OW. It took me four years to find out that I was basically raped rather than cheated on my wife, but by this time we were already passed the bomb drop.
We tried to repair what we could when I finally came to my senses. Things got slightly better and there was no confirmation that infidelity occurred. The OW never said anything, but was pregnant, claimed she was raped at a party. (this all sounds worse than it is). 2 years later before our youngest was conceived, I had to to a blood test so the OW could get support and medical for her child. He was mine. me and the wife were in shock. I didn't know it happened and her worst fear came true. We had another child born 03/13/10, I treated her like a queen while she was pregnant, more on that later. We moved from NY to VA 3 1/2 years ago. To get away from the mess of that affair I had. It didn't work.
I began, when we got here, to play an online game World of Warcraft...all the way up to the day of the D. 3 1/2 years later, I played 1 FULL year of play time within that 3 1/2 years. I was neglectful around the house, inattentive to her and the children and was obsessed with the game. All on top of being controlling.
NOW, after the bomb, I was in a crisis center for 5 days and found I have generalized anxiety disorder. My fears, even of imaginary things give me false perspectives on whats real. I have a fear of being alone, and even while I or she worked (basically any time we weren't together) I had suspicions. 90% of the time I could be ok with that, but sometimes my lack of apparent trust caused issues and the illusion of control. I never intended that to happen...hindsight being 20/20.
In short, I was controlling and neglectful. The control was a direct result from my fear of her leaving or being alone. I basically caged her like a bird, unknowingly. The neglect was mostly from the addiction to the Wow game. She decided to leave. If I had NOT played that game, we would not be here.
We have talked quite a bit today, and she just wants to see, mostly, me getting better with the GAD (disorder) and get a job, make money, and keep in constant contact with our children. Have patience she says. I believe and trust and hope that we can get back together, and I think my GAD fear is clouding my ability to hold steadfast with that trust.
GAD and patience without knowledge is a terrible combination...I wonder if I am actually afraid of nothing, but if that were the case, then why wouldn't she just ask me to stay. She must be afraid that I cannot change. Would my surviving and apparent happiness in NY be enough. We have been in love, and we have been happy, it did happen and it can happen with all my heart I believe that.
