As I mentioned on my thread to you, detaching has been the BEST thing I've done for myself and the kids. I don't know when it finally *clicked*, but it did, and my life has been better because of it. I think it's been a combo of things...separating, establishing/enforcing some boundaries with H, GAL'ing, etc. I've also been more effective at DB'ing since emotionally detaching. I've learned that when you take the emotion out of a situation (or at least tame the emotions considerably), you are able to make more logical decisions. This has been very tough for me as I'm a VERY emotional and sensitive person, but I feel like I'm doing a great job so far!
In my case, it's definitely been easier to detach because we are separated. I know you are not in favor of being separated, and believe me, I wasn't either! I fought it kicking and screaming (which duh, just drove my H farther away), and I HATED it at first. I was so afraid of what it was going to do to my kids, and I was afraid once my H had physical space he'd NEVER want to come back to me. I admit now that it was definitely needed. The kids are doing great (much better since H and I are working together so well), and H and I are getting along and wanting to spend more time together as a family. I know that the likelihood of divorce is still there and that we may never live as a married couple again, but in the meantime, things are going well. I've become very used to being alone (and liking it!). I'm a very social person, but I've always enjoyed my alone time; when I was single, I always preferred living without a roommate, and now I'm remembering why! So, all in all, separation has been good. It's making him miss me and our life together as a family, and it's allowing me and him some time to focus on what changes must be made in order to reconcile, if that is what we choose to do. If in the end, we divorce but can effectively co-parent together, then that's a lot better than what happens in many divorces.
So, if separation isn't the answer for you, you must find some way to emotionally detach from him while living under the same roof. I'm not sure what the answer is for you since he's typically wanting to talk the R to death. You've lived with the ups and downs and ins and outs for MUCH longer than me, and you deserve better than that. You need to set some boundaries NOW with him. Maybe you need the help of a therapist in deciding what boundaries can be enforced and how you can try to detach while enforcing them.
I know it's hard when no one knows what is going on in your life. I lived quietly about our problems for 2 years before everything came out. Funny thing is, my mother and sisters suspected all along things weren't as rosy as we put out there. My family has been very forgiving of my H (although he may have run out of 2nd chances with them at this point). I give my family the very bare bones of information on what is going on, as I don't think it's a good idea to let them know everything. I, like you, was so afraid of how the truth was going to upset them, but my family has been a wonderful support system for the kids and me when times are tough. You need at least one person in your life you can talk to about things. I know the boards are extremely helpful, too.
The point is, status quo isn't working for you, E. I've been there and I hear myself in your posts. Constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the next bomb, it stinks! It wears you down emotionally, physically and mentally. You deserve more happiness than that. It's time to change your game plan.
