After he dropped the bomb two months ago, and has been distant but still here... I realized something was up when he started using "private browsing" feature on the computer. I happened to walk in and see him using for the first time last week. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to talk about but he said no. He asked me to go see a movie and have dinner last Fri, and nearly acted as if he were getting a bit closer with me.
Then I walked in and saw "private browsing" and it started eating away at me. I realize this is not the right thing to do but I felt like I was on a precipice and something had to be revealed to me. I just knew he was lying to me about having affections for someone else.
I put in webwatcher and found an email account he set up mid august, (this year), and five emails he had sent to another woman. There was only one she sent in return to him. None of them contained anything sexual, or any "i love yous", but it was clear he was pursuing her.
When I saw this, I was shaking so hard, and I got sick and threw up. I did not want to confront him, but he came back from the store and found me in the bathroom getting sick.
I just lost it and blurted it out.... and he absolutely denied it all. Said I was crazy. So I logged into his secret account for him and showed this to him. Well, he got really angry with me and said he liked this woman and that they were friends and chatted on his lunch breaks at work.
But, this woman has moved out of the country now for a few months ... and he wanted to keep up with her. She no longer works with him as of now.
He admitted to talking with her on his lunch, they worked on the same team, and he had made a couple music CDs for her. They apparently talked about music a lot. Reminds me of what he did when we first met with me.
Anyway, I went through an entire range of emotions, crying, getting sick, freaking out, to telling him to just get out and leave me alone. I know my reaction was not DB-ing. I just was not thinking in the moment.
We had a very long talk though, once I was able to calm down and he told me that the chemistry between us was not there. He said he loves me, but not in love. Says he wants to pursue other women, other things in life. Says he does not want to be married anymore. I tried to talk to him a little about MLC, and this time he said he would look up on it. I don't know if he will.
I admit I could not control my crying, as I was in shock and did not expect that he was pursuing this girl. My heart is so broken right now and I feel like I'm falling apart.
I feel like he took me and threw me away for someone more shiny .. and wants to trash a 10 year marriage.
I was able to calm down again, and I don't know why he said this but... he said "maybe we should go to counseling". This did surprise me because before he was adamant about not going to counseling. He said that...he didn't want me to get my hopes up, but that he would agree to go see a counselor with me. He also plans to stay here in the house, while we go for counseling... I believe he said he wanted to spend the next couple months or so.
I don't know what to do. Am I delaying the inevitable? Should I go ahead and go for the counseling? I did ask him that if were going to stay here and do this, to please not email this girl. He said that he would not... but you know.... he may anyway.
I tried to ask him what is it about me that he's not attracted to anymore, what happened.... etc. He said it was him, not me. But is me, right? I'm feeling so low right now... like I'm not good enough...
trying to pull it together here, no sleep, daughter is waking up soon...
