I've got 54 days to receive a miracle.

[♪CS♪]

My friend is a little "dense" in the FB department

All you friend said was "Well?"...

[tadpole1025]

You're right CS. My mistake this time. I've had to remove several messages in the past that were from my friend. I guess mine is the one that needs censored this time. I guess I'm just surprised that W is still checking out my FB page when she doesn't even want me in her life.

As far as her email, I still have not responded to it. Should I just do it with a joke like 25 said or a "huh" like you said?

I feel like I'm slipping again for some reason. Still on the anti-depressants, but man the last few days or even the last week has been rough.

I'm wondering about this "going dark" and "no contact" thing. I know it is supposed to be for me, but I worry like Hell that she may think I'm avoiding her or I am mad at her. I guess that I worry that she thinks I am not talking to her because I don't want to. I would love to talk to her and I can't. It's a very fine line I think and I worry about it always....

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Look at this:

"I know it is supposed to be for me, but I worry like Hell that she may think..."

If you say that you KNOW that it is supposed to be for YOU, but you worry what SHE may think, then you're not grasping that it is for YOU.

Friendly 2 x 4 :-)

The most simple but difficult truth for us to process is that there is nothing our actions can do to make them start behaving in the way we WANT. We have to let go of what we want and accept what is going on, and do what we can to protect our own wounded hearts.

[AntoniaB]

You will slip here and there. Even on AD's. It's cycling. It's normal. Sometimes there are triggers we can see, sometimes there aren't. Your job is to learn to ride that out and not start undoing your own personal progress when you slip. Very difficult to do, but doable.

[AJM]

Worrying about it is likely pretty normal. You want something from her and don't get it. It's a balance. Don't you see it? She moves away and you follow. You move away and she follows. It's a balance. You were married for many years after all...

But let me ask you, does worrying about it help you? Does it change things? Or does it make you a nervous wreck? An undecisive man? A follower or a leader? Is it your normal self? Or is it a scared and, well, manipulative man (trying to get something by acting a certain way?)

In the end, worrying about it doesn't help. You'll see that at some point. That the worry didn't help you or her at all. It did nothing but take away from your life. It clouded your thinking and hurt you as a person with nothing to really show for it. Worry is a waste of your time, really.

But I also realize it helps you keep the anger at bay From being angry, even if that is what is deserved at this point. The anger is self-destructive as well. Damned if you do....

The worry won't help. The anger doesn't help, although it serves a purpose as long as it is temporary (what is temporary anyway? Is there a time limit...?)

Be at peace and understand that this isn't about you. What you see is her working on her issues and you cannot help. You cannot get your needs met (do you know what those are yet?) by her or in this separated existence. You'll figure that out in more detail even if you don't want to.

So the way I see it, you have some choices (and control). You can worry about her and what she thinks. Seems normal, but self destructive and counter to what you are doing. Or you can not worry about what she thinks and live your life as you want to. Or at least figure out what you want to do with you. You can learn to be happy with yourself and in your own thoughts. By yourself. That's a very valuable lesson and experience.

If at some time down the road W decides she wants some of that, she'll find a way to find you. Right now she doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you, including you. My suggestion is that you let you have you and nobody else. Take the opportunity to learn to like you, to listen to you, to enjoy your company and being with just you. You have not done that in a very long time in your life. It's worth it...

AJ

[dl443322]

Tad, I know that dbing seems to be converse to how you think you should act.

But, here's the thing. First of all, she KNOWS how you feel. Trust me on that. If you continue to tell her, be there, not detach, it begins to feel to her like you are not hearing her.

She is telling you that she does not want to be in contact. Accept and respect her decision.

Because if you don't, she will continue to feel as if you are not getting it. Same old same old. He isnt hearing me. He isnt listening.

And more importantly, if you keep hanging on , it weighs you down, it saps your energy. Energy better spent on you.

Who cares if she thinks your agry. Thats her problem.

You need to concentrate on you. She needs to continue on her journey. Let her.

Love her enough to let her go right now. Give her the space to figure out that the problem isnt you, but is inside her. .

Tad, she knows just where to find you, right where she left you.

You need to move forward. She needs to see that you are.

You can either continue on as you are or you can begin to live your life.

Your choice.

[25yearsmlc]

Tad

unless she's mentally challenged, which she's not, she knows you want to talk to her.

She won't change her mind about that just b/c you go dark, for at least awhile.

And so what if she finally does think you are changing?

isnt' that the goal? She's not in a position to get "mad" at you plus, frankly, she'll probably be relieved for awhile.

THEN when she notices that you really are detaching and maybe creating a bit of mystery for yourself

that's a good thing Tad, a very good thing.

No more same old...make sense?

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I had a better day today until I came home from work. I'll explain a little below.

You are right AJ. Worrying does no good, but man I just can't help it sometimes.

What you see is her working on her issues and you cannot help.

I'm not so sure she is working on her issues yet. From what I can tell, she is still in lala land.

First of all, she KNOWS how you feel. Trust me on that.

I hope you are right Brooklyn. I know I've told her, but this no-contact things seems to just go against everything. I'm still doing it though.

She needs to continue on her journey.

I know this, but her journey apparently includes divorce.

25, yes what you said makes sense. Perfect sense actually. I just don't understand why she hates me so much and blames me for EVERYTHING. She can see no good right now. I don't know if it is because of the "fog" or if she just refuses to.

UPDATE:

While I was at work, she came to pick up S16. Of course she had to come into the house and sit down. Why? Who knows. S18 was also here. She wanted to take them both out for an early dinner. S18 refused. That is 2 times in two weeks that he refused to go with her.

Also, while she was here, she and S18 got into a very big argument about the divorce and how she "tried to hold this family together for so many years." S18 said he lost it and just went off on her. Apparently, it got pretty ugly between them. He even caught her in a few lies. She accused me, S16 and S18 of being dillussional and "high" because we don't see things her way. She went on and on about how unhappy she has been for years and how she never got to do what she wanted. That's when S18 said something like "Daddy did everything to make you happy all of the time. You just can't see it. You're the one that didn't do a damn thing in return to make him happy." That is when she got really p!ssed off got up and slammed the door and left with S16.

I'm so glad that I wasn't here to witness it. I'm actually surprised that she hasn't contacted me yet blaming me of "brainwashing" our children against her. I think it is good that she hears things like that from other people besides me, but doesn't that just push her further away?

In other news, a lovely lady at my new job invited me to dinner next week. Good God.

Ug.

Tad

[ericmsant2]

Tad

I'm not so sure she is working on her issues yet.

Are you working on YOURS? F her.....for NOW..

but her journey apparently includes divorce.

And what does DIVORCE mean to YOU Tad? Does it mean that this is over? Does it mean that the sun will not set or rise tomorrow? What does it really mean - to YOU?

I just don't understand why she hates me so much and blames me for EVERYTHING.

Ever lie to your parents? Ever tell your parents when you were a teenager that they did not know chit? Ever get really angry at your parents and then tried to make them feel like chit or feel guilty? Usually because they did not let you do whatever you wanted to do?

She can see no good right now.

and may not for a long long time. Can you wait that long?

She went on and on about how unhappy she has been for years and how she never got to do what she wanted.

MLC Script...mine pretty much said the samething. Big deal, that is how she feels.

a lovely lady at my new job invited me to dinner next week.

You will do whatever it is you want to do so I will make this short.

I would run from the lady at your new job. YOU and YOUR wife ain't done just yet.

eric

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Eric. I hope you are well. I'm really sorry that I couldn't make it to your party, but I GOT A JOB!

Folks, this is going to be a long one and I'm sorry for that.

And what does DIVORCE mean to YOU Tad? Does it mean that this is over?

I'm not so sure. It scares me though. However, I did meet someone last night when I was GALing and she told me that her parents got divorced and then married a few years later and were together for another 20 years.

Can you wait that long?

I'd like to think I can, but I also don't want to "hang on" forever either.

I would run from the lady at your new job.

I was thinking the same thing. It is amazing though what a boost to one's self esteem it is when we get attention from the opposite sex. But.....I will run.

YOU and YOUR wife ain't done just yet.

Do you mean we aren't done "cooking" or done with "us?" I'm obviously not done, but she sure is. I still think that she despises me.

Oh boy.

Here we go.

W has been strange lately.

A few days ago I posted on here about a message W sent me regarding a FB post. I never answered it. Yesterday, I had the following text exchange with W:

W: Were you ever going to answer my FB question?

M: What question?

W: I messaged you asking what you had decided not to do last Wednesday.

M: Oh. I don't think I ever got it. It really isn't that important.

W: If I'm asking then maybe it is, but whatever.

M: I'm sorry. It really isn't important. Have a great weekend.

*****************************************************
I thought the conversation would be over right here.
*****************************************************

W: Well don't expect me to "share" anymore since you won't. Enjoy the fun that you have planned for today. (She said this in reference to a FB post I made on my page just 10 minutes prior to this exchange.)

M: You haven't "shared" anything with me. I would love to share things with you. I really would.

W: I share all kinds of things with you on the phone when we were talking about your job and mine and my school. Wow. What is it you want shared?

M: Your life.

W: That is my life. I even talked about my hiking with Sharen. I talk to you about the kids. What else is left?

M: I want you in my life and me to be in yours.

W: We are.

M: You know what I mean.

W: Well obviously not since you refuse to answer my question.

M: It's just not important.

W: I see you have a new female FB friend. She is Mexican like Norma....your first love....maybe you can pretend.

*SHE IS REFERRING TO MY VERY FIRST GIRLFRIEND!!! I WAS IN THE 6TH GRADE! I WAS 11 YEARS OLD! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME???

She continued.......

W: Your new friend is closer in age to S18 than you....maybe she can service all of you.

ARE YOU KIDDING?????

M: Really W? She is a friend and nothing more. I've always been faithful to you and continue to be.

W: Faithfulness is more than just refraining from intercourse. You owe me nothing in regards to that or any other vow. You already broke my trust, faith, respect and love. I wanted to salvage a friendship so maybe some of those other things could be repaired but you keep blocking that. If you won't answer my question then this conversation is over.

M: I'm sorry you feel that way. Sorry that you think I am such a terrible person. You also said that you didn't want to work on the "other stuff." You're right. I don't owe you anything, but I do it because I want to and love you. I will answer your question later if you want. Text me or call. I have to go now. Have a great weekend.

*****************************************************
I thought the conversation would be over right here too.
*****************************************************

W: I didn't say you were terrible. Answer the question now or not at all. The only thing I ever want to work on is a friendship, but those other qualities are required for a friendship. And....you talk to friends about things and not me. You don't answer the question. Once again, your priorities in people are wrong. This is one reason we are divorcing. Your friends ALWAYS know more than me and come first. (Is she forgetting that she is the one that no longer wants to be in my life?)

M: No, but according to you, I've done some pretty terrible things. I also get blamed for everything. Some of the stuff is valid and I have owned them. If you want nothing more than a friendship, then why do you care? My priorities may have been wrong, but not anymore.My friends and nothing come before you. I only share things with friends because you don't want to hear what I have to say.

W: Whatever. Don't answer the question. You have managed to keep me angry at you for over a year. (Angry at me? She is the one that started an affair and got caught. She's angry at me?) You don't let me recover and you still aggravate the situation. You choose friends even now. You just proved it by not answering the question. Spin it however you choose, you will anyways. You are so clueless it amazes me. Even when I point blank tell you something you spin it, twist it, put words in my mouth etc. This is what you have done all along. For example, you will act like you want to understand a reason why I left....I explain it, you twist it all up instead of trying to hear me and the situation gets even worse! I wish you would just SEE! I wish you always could have SEEN. Now there is no recovering from all the damage. It breaks my heart all over again. And yet, maybe I didn't SEE how you were all along and that by me always trying to make the best of things and sweeping things under the rug caused our ultimate demise. We are not good for each other. I do see that now....but I don't regret the life we built. (She told me once that she wished we never married.) That is why I want to be friends, not only for the kids, but because we had all those years.

M: I'm trying to see and I do see. I told you I would answer the question later. Just call or text this evening. I have to go now.

W: Nope. You could have answered it by now.

This was the end. I did not respond. A few hours later, she tried to call and I did not hear the phone. She left a voicemail telling me that I would not have to drive to her place to pick up S16 and that she would just drop him by because she would be on this side of town. I did not respond because I felt there was no need to.

A few hours later, I get this:

W: Did you get my voicemail?

M: Yeah

W: I can call when we are on our way so you can have an estimate as to the time we will arrive.

M: Ok. I may be gone when you get here, but I'll let you know.

W: Well then, I won't get out of the car. Goodnight.

M: I might be. I'll have to let you know.

She did not respond.

Today, she dropped him off. I was here. S16 came into the house and said "mommy wants some Tylenol." I gave him some and he took it out to her. S20 and S18 were here as well. Neither one of them went out to see her. I felt terrible for her. I didn't go out either. Maybe I should have? The old me would have and would have started a conversation about us.

Reading over these messages I realized a few things:

1. I made some MAJOR Dbing mistakes.

2. I am detaching, but am still not detached enough.

3. Her words still hurt me, but not like they did.

4. She is accusing me of things that I should be accussing her of.

5. She is still very hurt and angry about things.

6. She makes it sound like everything is my fault.

7. She obviously is very jealous of any friends that I have and has some serious issues to deal with. She is one messed up woman.

8. She DOES have some valid points and I know what they are.

9. I get the feeling that she can feel me pushing away.

That is pretty much it.

Thoughts?

Anybody want to try to decipher this?

Any vets want to chime in?

Tad