My WAW notified me this week that she no longer wants to contribute to the mortgage and that she is fine with whatever the outcome will be.
She mentioned on our brief call, "I've spoken to a lawyer and you'll never get what you want." The call didn't go much further, other than she is coming over to the house this weekend to identify things she wants.
Some friends said at this point, there is no value in meeting her and that she is using my emotions against me when the D proceedings move forward legally (which sadly looks like it's going this way).
Thoughts?
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
My WAW came by today. She stressed again what she said on the phone--that she no longer wants to contribute to the mortgage and wants to move on. She is having her an attorney draft a settlement agreement and to schedule a court date, anticipating that I will challenge.
She then began creating an inventory of our things to decide who will get what.
I wish I could say that I was able to remain emotionless, but I couldn't. It was painful and made me angry/sad. What was evident is that she is still quite angry and emotional about our M. We've been separated for 6 months and the emotions are still raw like it was yesterday when she dropped the bomb.
I thought I had made some progress in GAL and detaching. The moment she left, I balled like a child. I'm doing my best to bounce back, but it's so difficult. It's hard not to focus on the inevitability of the sitx.
Haven't been this down in awhile.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
((((((((wawinla))))))))))) BIG HUGS. I'm so sorry to hear about you sitch. Please keep posting and vent and seek support from those Dbers who know much more than I. I just wanted you to know I care, man. I really feel for everyone on here. It's at one time a horrible and a wonderful site. I'm sure you know what I mean. Take care.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
InShock...thanks for the kind words. This site is/can be "bittersweet".
After my visit with my WAW yesterday, my friends are telling me it's time to get an attorney now and respond to her. They point out that she's getting whatever she wants and that she's playing on my emotions. In my best interest, it's time to let go and accept that the M is over and now it's a business transaction where I need protection.
I've been wrestling with this fact since my WAW dropped the bomb. How can I DB and hope for R when I'm engaged in the D proceedings?
When chatting with her yesterday, her anger/bitterness is visceral. I can hear and see her pain. Frustratingly the situation is seen only from her perspective, as everything is my fault or something I've done wrong. She made comments like, "It's great that you're changing, too late for me, you've left a lot of scorched earth" and "You've always been about yourself and not me". I wanted to defend myself, but kept quiet. As so many sage folks here have mentioned, WAS focus on the negatives and are enabled by their friends, didn't want to reinforce or get sucked into that vacuum. She mentioned all her friends have told her to "dump him"/"why are you being nice to him" and that she was the only person defending me?!?
Sigh...all very sad and frustrating. I haven't wanted to constantly vent here, but having trouble managing these emotions.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
Hey man checking up, Just remember it's the standad WAW script. It could be one of two things, she is either baiting you into anger to justify her actions, or she is challenging you to man up.
Whatever it is protect yourself. Expect her to throw a fit. Just tell her:
"you know I don't want this, but if you insist I must do what I view as fair based on my beliefs and the law"
Remember to be strong assertive, and a gentleman. Remove all reasons for her to demonize you.
If she can get herself to stop blaming you for her unhappiness you stand a chance.
GB...thanks for checking in. I wish there was better news, but it's just getting "worse".
My WAW bought a skimpy, black dress at a boutique near her apt/our house. How did I learn about it? The shop is own by a friend of a friend. I didn't want to spend too much time thinking about what this meant, but I had a pretty good idea that she must be dating/seeing someone.
Yesterday was her 40th birthday. I asked her last week when she came by the house (and said she's no longer contributing financially to the house), if she wanted to celebrate, but she said she had plans. I learned through friends via Facebook that she flew to Spain and is meeting an heir to well to do Spanish family. She had met him and propositioned her when she was doing business development in her old studio job. I don't believe she really kept in touch with him...I believe she re-engaged because of the circumstances.
When I heard the news, I was sad and angry. In our last encounter, it's clear she is demonizing me and putting me in a box to justify her decision. I tried to follow DB, so I DIDN'T defend myself. But it took a ton of strength to not say a word.
Through FB, her "friends"...her new social circle she met online, they are encouraging her to have fun, one even posted that she should enjoy the "physical" adventures with her "Spanish matador".
Sigh...she is the victim and I'm the cause. I have a meeting this week with an attorney. After her comments about "I spoke to a lawyer and you won't get anything you want", I need to protect myself.
It's hard to keep in check the idea that this is a marathon when it looks like a sprint. Nevertheless, when I heard the news, I was in a horrible funk. Still in it, but not as debilitating as before.
We all have first hand experience on how this isn't a linear process...the last 10 days has definitely shown me that. Here's to a high point soon....these low points are starting to wear on me.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
The problem with MLC's is that the better off you are to begin with the more they want to justify their position. While you don't see WAW flying internationally often, the theme of overstretching themselves to find happiness is the same. It's her life now, but it doesn't mean you have to pay for her unhappiness. Protect yourself, and move on. I don't know how much money she makes but sounds like she may run out of steam soon. The fact she is avoidIng her home responsibilities sounds like reality may be kicking in hard.
GB...what do you mean by the "better off you are to begin with, the more they want to justify their position"?
My WAS is in a stable position financially. She earns a very good salary. I'm in career transition, trying to determine my next move. Your point about "overstretching" hits home. It was my WAW decision to purchase an expensive home that really was more than we could afford. It brought a GREAT deal of stress on me, as I focused on earning my share of the mortgage and looking forward to the next rung up the ladder to keep up with he costs.
What angers me to no end, is my WAW failure to acknowledge this fact and it's effects on the relationship. We purchased the house and then she quit her a high paying job less than 6 months after buying it. She took half a year and then find another high paying job (with less stress...shorter hours, no more 60 hour weeks), but no acknowledgement on how it made me feel.
Our communication style was/is poor. Since I worked long hours and traveled a great deal, since her new job kept her at home more, she was never able to say "I am so lonely, I love you so much and miss you because you work all the time" and I was never able to say "I miss you too, but I feel like our budget is out of control, I feel so much pressure to earn money. I hate this as much as you do, maybe more, but feel trapped."
As you and so many folks keep echoing on the board, I'm not 100% responsible for her unhappiness, despite the fact that she feels that way. You words, "move on"...it runs counter to DB'ing but an inevitability the moment my wife handed me the D papers. It was a fight I needed for myself but must also now learn to let go since it cannot help me in the long run.
I need to protect myself, to understand how she can be allowed to leave while placing me in financial ruin, while she can move on in much better shape. My situation can be best characterized as my WAW and I are parachuting from a plane...she willing jumped with 2 parachutes and I was pushed out with no parachute at all. At this point, I need to find something to cushion the fall before hitting the ground.
As to her trip to Spain to see the likely OM, maybe with all his wealth, my WAW doesn't care...who knows at this point.
_______________________ M: 47; W: 39 M: 4.5 yrs; T: 18 years No children Separated: 01/19/11 Wife Served Papers: 02/1/11 Wife moved: 03/05/11 Responded: 04/14/11
What I meant was that you guys seem to be doing well financially as a couple. Times were rough, but things were for the most part under control. (this is the impression I get). She had a beautiful house, got herself a better job, yet was still seriously unhappy. So rather than looking at herself she blamed you. Not saying you didn't have a part in it, but IMHO MLC's are more about the person running than the person left behind. So of course since she didn't appreciate what she already had she seeks more. That's why it doesn't surprise me that she's after some wealthy spaniard. In a very weird way I'd suggest you take it as a compliment. Remember most WAW's think they are upgrading.
I've come to realize that there is no such thing as an upgrade merely just someone else with different attributes.
Now I wasn't asking to stop DBing, but to try to move to a state of mind where you accept at least for now that it will be a while before she comes back if she does at all. I've said this about you and HOS before: your W's have the resources, education and job opportunities (even if it's at your expense) to prolong their denial. Unlike some who hit reality fast, your WAW's can afford wine dinners, trips, nights out on the town, expensive clothing, and other things to try to convince themselves that they are NOW happy. It may take a VERY long time until they are done "discovering themselves". They also have strong enabler networks it seems. Expect an extra long period of waiting, if you plan to go that route. I know it's not what you want to hear.
Once again IMHO an MLC is like a fire it burns strong, but it eventually runs out of fuel. This is after they do all the things they think will make them happy, or realize that it's unrealistic to have it all. Then they run out of gas and hopefully learn to love what they have. Your W has a lot of fuel, unlike others she can afford to do alot. Are you willing to wait for her to learn that happiness is not about wanting what you dont have, but loving what you have?
Who knows how long will it take for her to grow bored of her new interest, or realize that it's not about fancy meals, and trips, but sharing them with the one she loves, and loves her back. I dunno I'm just rambling now.
