I'm so sorry you find yourself here - but welcome. ((((hug)):)
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One thing that continues to nag at me about the DB concepts is that this is really for me and not for my H or my marriage. I have to admit that I have not fully embraced this. I want to, but my primary motive still feels like I am doing this to save my marriage. Does it just take awhile to get beyond the marriage focus? There is a consistent message throughout this board that it is all about fixing yourself and not about fixing the marriage. And I get that in theory. I am having difficulty getting the focus off my marriage and on to me.
This is a very, very difficult concept but once you understand it (and it's not a thing you can rote learn, it kind of has to grow on you, with you and in you) you're life will change.
The MLCer, WAS, wandering spouse ... whatever we want to call them.... is in deep emotional pain. He/she is disatisfied with life, thought there would be more, he thought he would be more fulfilled, he thought he would be HAPPY.
They know they are unhappy, they know they are unfulfiled, but they are so used to looking to their external environment for their happiness that they don't understand the pain and sadness is inside them. They had such expectations about what their adulthood would look like ... and FEEL like .... and they don't feel how they thought they would.
So they do what they've always done when they are unhappy. They look at their life, pick the things that they'd most like to FEEL better about and set about changing them.
They honestly think, that if they just find a new partner (or a new BMW or a new fishing boat or a bigger, wider flat screen TV) they will be happy and fulfilled.
Of course what is really happening is that they are responding to very base emotional responses. Their decisions aren't rational, because it's not the adult making them, it's the hurt, abused, neglected, traumatised (whatever their family of origin issue has left) little boy or girl in them, throwing away the things in their life they do have (not unlike a child having a tantrum throws their toys) and trying to find a whole set of new ones, so that they can be HAPPY.
The hardest thing for us to understand is that we have no option but to love and respect them enough to let them go through whatever it is they need to go through. They are dealing with things that are not about you. They are dealing with issues that in their blindness to find "happiness" they think you are actually making worse. He honestly thinks right now that if he just falls in love again, everything will be OK. That's why affairs are so addictive ... because in the very early stages of a new romance, that is what it feels like. It feels wonderful.
Of course it won't last - his deep unhappiness will still be there - the new woman can't fulfil him anymore than you could - because no one can fulfil us except ourselves. The people we love are all a part of our happiness and our divine link to the universe - but ultimately we are born alone and we die alone and our happiness is directly related to our emotional health and maturity.
So now we get back to why you DB. All of us are a little guilty of depending on our partner for our Happiness and our emotional health. You are so sad right now, because he has taken himself, a very important part of your emotional health, away. He simply doesn't have enough to give you right now .... that means, you need to rebuild your own emotional resources.
What DBing teaches us, particularly as we GAL and detach, is that we have all the resources inside us, as our divine birth right, to live as a strong, happy, resilient person no matter who is in our life.
Soemtimes I think about men like Nelson Mandela – over 20 years in prison, but with enough internal resources that he never became a “prisoner”. He had no lover there, no advisors, just tormentors … and he still made it and came out a victor. He had a deep personal belief and investment in changing what he saw was wrong with the world … and it sustained him and changed the world.
DBing teaches us to find our happiness from within. In some ways we get a head-start on our MLCer!!
While this happens, there is a whole heap of other stuff going on. The energy that we radiate changes. I don’t know why it does, but it does. When he no longer feels your “need” for him, he won’t feel so desperate to break away from it. Right now, you are one of the “drains” on his energy that he thinks is contributing to his unhappiness. As you get stronger, you become someone who people gravitate towards … just watch it happen.
Take care you gorgeous thing. Your writing is so warm and intelligent and I know you feel like the world will never be the same again right now – and that’s true – but we are never sent anything we are not strong enough to handle and you, delightful woman, have all the resources within you and within your grasp to get through this and come out the other end grateful for the lessons.
