W and I connected yesterday in regards to my email question.
Conversation started with my FB post about not being able to watch Penn State. We chatted about that for a minute.
Our conversation about the mediation email was pleasant. She mentioned that she just wanted to create the list of assets beforehand so we could "quickly" discuss things when we met. That we could each have a gameplan going into it. I told her that made sense.
She also reiterated that she wanted to meet soon. I told her I was on a show and would let her know when I was available. She handled it well. It was the best I could do as I'm still working out some emotional stuff in regards to the meeting.
We talked about the check. Again she mentioned that she wanted to cash it soon. That it makes her uncomfortable that a large amount of money is on a piece of paper. I told her that made sense.
Then she asked "You doing ok?" I replied that I was good. I asked how she was. She said good also. She talked about school a little bit (she's a teacher). I kept my answers short and sweet. I really wanted to end the conversation first, but she always beats me to it. It's kinda hard when we are in the middle of something and then she is like "got to go".
I'm glad the conversation went well. Seems the anger from our last interaction (the hickey incident) dissipated.
It didn't stop me from crying afterwards. As much as I'm thankful that w was being pleasant vs. angry, interaction is still very hard for me. To know that she watches my FB, ask how I'm doing, and talk so freely about all the stuff we used to in regards to work yet doesn't make a commitment to be in my life at all is hard to swallow. Honestly, the fact that she cares a little but not enough.. still breaks my heart.
After the sadness, came the anger. The anger that I asked her to do so many things and she always procrastinated... but this.. "she have the list to me by Monday".
Those feelings didn't stay long though either. After all, I said I just wanted her to be kind to me throughout this process. Yesterday that happened. So I need to remember the positive there.
Everything else are just feelings and that's ok too. Eventually I was able to see that this too is difficult for her. To speculate - I'm sure she cares, but this is just too hard. To much of an effort. Once the D is final, the pain is over and she can move on. No more dealing with me, or us. She can truly focus on her and her life.
I still will continue to be on my timeline. Honestly, I'm very emotional still.. so I'm not sure how to keep them in check during the mediation. I handled it well, but there were plenty of times where I wanted to say "I know you want to handle this fast, but I need time". Which that's true, but I knew I feeling defensive, hurt, and controlled. And that was all in a 15 minute conversation.
Last night I tried a new line dancing place. Today is church and basketball. Life isn't bad, it's just not what I expected it to be.
I will just keep on keeping on.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
