I wonder if you can ask your "semi-WAS on the seesaw 4forever", if HE could go dark for awhile?
Sheesh...enough already. Sorry but I had to ask...
Believe me, I've thought of it myself as well. However, I'm not sure how he could go "dark" without involving our children. At this point, the kids (S7 and D16) are none the wiser. D16 even sent me a Happy Anniversary text when we were in our room a little too long on our Anniversary, so she obviously had no clue Mommy was getting bombed.
I've protected them by keeping my emotions in check, and also because H takes back (sort of) the bomb the next day (or within the next couple days), so they still sees us being affectionate with each other, cuddling on the couch, hugging in the kitchen, etc.
Do you have at least an internal timeline of how long you can do this endurance test? I think it makes it easier to know that at some point you will not be in limbo no matter what they do.
(It helped me at least. I had a d in high school and knew when she was done 18-24 months later, I would be done too, one way or the other.)
Yes, originally my plan was 15 months, which is when my D16 will graduate from HS. Although at this point, I'm not sure I can last that long with him cycling so rapidly. It's really starting to take it's toll on me physcially. It's like going back to day ONE and feeling all those emotions again. Then having some hope, then it being taken away. Each time, he seems a little more "off" so I'm wondering if he's just slowly building up the courage? Anyway, it's like dying slowly and painfully so I'm not sure I can make it to 15 months anymore.
I actually wonder if YOU making a move would get him out of his fog. Not saying it will, but letting him have power he isn't able to wield in a mature
way, isn't working too well for you or the kids I'd imagine. They need predictability and reliability (and you need a sane partner?)...
I wrote him a letter a couple weeks ago, telling him if I could go back, I would do many things differently, but that I couldn't. And that if he truly thought our M was hopeless and wanted out, then I accepted his decision. I also told him that I needed a strong man and a M built on trust, forgiveness and growth. He said he didn't accept my letter, and went right back to reading relationship books and texting me his issues, and asking to discuss mine.
On September 1st (the day after bomb #4), he again texted me about how he agreed that our old M wasn't good and asked if all the things on my list were dealbreakers. I responded by saying his constant vacillation was slowly killing me and could he please just move out already and be done with it. I said I would be fine eventually. He responded by saying that he bought the men's Relationship ebook, "Hold Onto Your Nuts" and was now reading that, and that it was horrible to think we both felt we weren't loved. So I've given him a clear out twice now and he's still see-sawing like a mad man.
He's also asked to have yet another R talk twice in the past two days since the Anniversary bomb, and I've declined so I'm guessing he can sense this bomb drop is not going to go as well as his last 3. That's the only way I can think to take back some power this time, without actually throwing him out. (I saw an L back in April and he did say I could change the locks and ask him to leave if he kept threatening me with D). Again, I'm focused on protecting the kids as long as I can.
That said, the minute he tells the kids (if he ever does) because I've also suggested we tell them when I thought he was serious - he of course decided not to. But if he does, I'm pretty certain, I'm done as this seems to be a character issue as this point (although he has very valid complaints about our M and I do think we BOTH need to make changes). However, I will NOT put our kids through what he's put me through.
Seriously though, what if you took some of your power back?
If you have tried that (i confess being new to your thread) how'd it go?
Yes, my thread is a little long-winded. I still have not mastered the art of summarizing. Hopefully, I've filled you in on the important details though.
Anyway, thanks 25. I look forward to your responses/ideas/suggestions. Anything.
I should also mention that his mom died (at 59) two years ago, and he recently admitted that he has not dealt with it very well. (His excessive drinking and angry outbursts began in the two years since her death.) He's attended two counseling sessions since this admission, and has expressed being very angry to the point of rage over her death, as well as rage over feeling rejected by me.
Admittedly, I was feeling very disconnected due to his drinking and anger and felt unsafe at times, so his feelings of rejection are very valid. (He's never been physically violent though.) Therefore, I do have compassion for him now that he has shared some of his issues. Although, I'm not crazy about he's been handling it all.
He broke down very dramatically last week while watching a TV movie in which the mother died. He was so distraught, he couldn't breathe or talk, and was hyperventilating... so I'm starting to wonder if he's having some sort of crisis (MLC?) because he's definitely not rational at this point.
