When I took the kids out shopping the other day it was raining pretty hard and I lost track of the car... so I stood in the parking lot for a few minutes... just scanning the area and trying to get my bearings. We got soaked. I doodled up the experience today at work. Thought perhaps I'd share it.
and how are you making it tonite Lucky? I was thinking of you and your kiddos a lot today. Hug them often and hard.
This particular hell we're stuck in right now requires so much strength. These people are insane to even think of giving us up. We DBers are some of the strongest people with the highest values and morals I know of. We're good catches. I'm starting to do a lot of self talk to make myself really internalize that.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Picked up the kids... H engaged me in chit chat... and would not.. stop... staring at me.... it made it very hard for me to DB when all I wanted to do under that gaze was ask him R questions. Maybe he knows that... I'm totally projecting but it felt like he was daring me almost. But I want to stay withdrawn.. because engaging hurts.
Closest I got to asking him a R question was "How are you doing?" (In that tone of voice that means "How are you doing with our situation?")
He just said. "Ok"
Yeah, he's peachy keen. Oh well. I held it together. I did a much better job of treating him with the same sort of love and affection I'd treat a friend with, not a H.
I wonder if it's making him uncomfortable... because I sure felt uncomfortable.
I gave him a quick hug before I drove away.. because I don't want to snub him completely. But it was a "friend hug" and I didn't sneak a cuddle in.
Felt the tears coming on as I drove away, so I turned up the kid's music loud and we sang silly songs all the way home.
Tonight I'm going to spend alone. I could invite my librarian friend (female) over but I want to be by myself. H hinted that he might come over and clean the house as a favor to me while the kids and I are out at the farm for the rest of the weekend.
I'm a bit of a clutterbug... so the house always needs a cleaning. And I always appreciate it when he helps out. *However* I want to make sure the house is super clean so if he does show up (not holding my breath) he'll see that I handle things. I usually leave the house a big of a mess before I leave for a trip, even a short one, so by leaving the house clean that will be a bit of a 180, won't it?
*Looking at my life* ....it's like getting back on a bike. I've got his support as a friend and a co-parent... and we're still married until we figure this out... but I'm amazed at how quickly I'm starting to feel like a single mom again.
Well, had a great weekend with my parents and my kids. We visited both of my grandmas, hit up the beach, spent the night at the farm, had a picnic.. etc etc.
The high points were many.. the low points were few... I sensed my mother wanted to talk to me about my situation but I'm not really ready to talk about it yet since I'm unsure as to exactly what is going on. The other part that hurt... only a little.. was seeing my parents so much in love still.. the little things that I'm missing.. watching my father squeeze my mother's hand.. watching my mother rub my father's shoulders... etc. It hurt to watch.. but only a little bit.
Got back home tonight and was a little disappointed to see that H wasn't here but not surprised. No evidence that he was here at all and yet he asked me what I'd like done around the house while I was gone. :S
Disappointed but not heartbroken. Either my anti-depressants are kicking in or my DBing is starting to do me some good. I cleaned the house like a mad woman before I left because it was my 180 homework (I usually always leave the house a mess before I leave on a trip) and I must say... while I was sad that he didn't come back to see the clean house, it was nice for me to come home to a clean house. So... bonus.
Also wondering why he didn't try to get ahold of me at all? When I last left to go camping with the kids he was texting me several times a day and was here waiting for us when we got back. This time.. nothing from him. Silence.... and an empty house. Is it because I've started to withdraw from him? Is he mirroring me?
It won't change my withdrawing.. because pursuing netted me his anger.. so I have to stay the course I'm on right now.
Logically I know I'm overthinking this... completely. I have no control over him or what he does and shouldn't be trying to speculate as to why he's doing or not doing something.
Friend is coming over for a movie. Wish it was him and glad it isn't. Argh... I hate this.
Oh well. I held it together. I did a much better job of treating him with the same sort of love and affection I'd treat a friend with, not a H.
And I always appreciate it when he helps out. *However* I want to make sure the house is super clean so if he does show up (not holding my breath) he'll see that I handle things. I usually leave the house a big of a mess before I leave for a trip, even a short one, so by leaving the house clean that will be a bit of a 180, won't it?