I'm afraid to here the answers to this....I am naive on the topic.
Is it customary for seperated people to date.....have sex with other people before a D is finalized? I know it happens...not that stupid.
Just seems to be the ultimate insult to me. I know we are splitting but still feel a commitment to fulfill the vows we took until they are officially gone. I also know that my W having sex wtih someone else would push our sitch beyond the point of reconciliation. Hope would be lost at that point. Maybe I'm just afraid of the finality of it? I plan to honor our vows until the end, is it out of line to expect the same from her?
good for you and yes it is WAY out of line for you to expect the same from her, or anything btw, AND not within your control!
No matter how many rules YOU set down for HER...she can and will do what she wants. You need to get that.
ACCEPT REALITY...
If anything, she's more likely to do it b/c you told her she can't...
**absolutely....the first thing my DB coach told me was that i'm dealing with a 16 yr old girl and I'm her Dad.
RO, some of this stuff surprises me. Like you are doing what you know is the opposite of DBing...
why?
**This all started when I suspected she was having a PA about a month ago. She wasn't. I was at the point where I was finally standing up and letting her know that I was done being a doormat and that I do not deserve to be disrespected. A PA is the ultimate disrespect from my W in my opinion. Doesn't make it right, but it was an extremely emotional time and we both "agreed" to not engage in PA's until the D was done. She backed off that promise this am. Just to get me worked up I think and I didn't respond very much. You can tell her that You will honor your vows as long as you are married and leave it at that. (And don't make that promise if you can't keep it.)
Something tells me you will want to be with someone so badly that you will break this promise--or sure want to. Since she has been lonely in the m, maybe that will assist you in understanding her past pain.
**I am certainly not going to lie, I have thought about it. I am a very physical guy and my W and I always had an outstanding sex life. She flat out told me that she knows I have needs and to go date and I was free to have sex with other women. I see it as a trap. My taking advantage of it would give her validation for what she's doing. I did thank her for the offer though.
In her mind, perhaps, you broke the vow to honor and cherish her.
**Great point. I did, though not intentionally I feel.
But that's the past. So focus on what you feel you can say or promise and keep the promise. Or better yet, say nothing and let her wonder.
Or let her come up with your "sep guidelines" if she wants...and only if she wants to.
**She wants no such guidelines....she's "done". Can you do that? Can you surrender the illusion of control you want so much?
I struggle with seeing myself as an over the top “control” guy. I do certainly have hot button issues though…doesn’t everyone? My W is, or was, so nice she never spoke her mind about most things. I’d ask “where do you want to go to Dinner” and she would defer to me or list 5 possibilities. We bought our first house and she didn’t even want to see it first. She looked at the pictures and said “We have the same taste, I trust you”. She found our last house on the internet and we bought that without her seeing it too. We own 40 acres of land and plans for a house….during the design phase, her most common response or input was “you know me, I’m easy to please”. WTH?
I definitely am more of a decision maker and I am definitely more of a type A personality but man if it’s an issue can you say something? We now live in a house “she didn’t want”, we have assets she “really didn’t want to buy”. I wish I could turn the clock back and either listen better or probe for her input more, I would. I can understand how the accumulation of this situation has boiled into her feeling that I am a domineering control freak.
