I have been too focused on hoping the negatives of this situation will get her to reconsider her decision as they start to become apparent to her.
My not doing everything I possibly can to improve myself make it more unlikely she will come back. It is so easy to say but difficult to do....I NEED to control the controllables.
read THIS^^^^ again and again...and let it sink in.
Where the head goes, the heart will follow...(eventually)
The harder you make it for her to come back...the harder it will be!
Figure this no brainer out. Stop trying to guilt/punish her. If you want her back then you have to
**I know. I need to learn silence and validation. She insults or misinterprets something I have said or done and my defenses come up. I need to not be affected by her venom. She feels enough pain. My being associated with it is unproductive.
Most of our more intense conversations are regarding the dissolution of our assets. I have been poor and don’t want to go back. I made the personal sacrifice (joint decision with W) to leave a career to move our family home and she is kicking me to the curb with no job in the worst economy since the Depression. Should we stay together because of it? No, but man do I feel like I am absolutely getting shafted here. I am scared about my financial future. I’ve never been scared of anything. I am working getting a job but I don’t have control over it. My confidence in a rut right now for the first time in my life as well. It is getting better. I am feeling better about myself. Feeling sorry for myself does no good and I understand that but these are scary times.
Adding to my tension is that it’s being done unnecessarily IMHO. I know she is entitled to her opinion…obviously. She is not herself….hell, she told me that. Every time we broach the subject, she wants to talk about her legal rights. I mention mine (child support, spousal support, etc) and she gets defensive and agitated. I don’t know of a way to tiptoe around this conversation. I am trying to figure it out.
KEEP THE ROAD HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH...she's a mom. She will always have guilt about her kids. She doesn't need You to remind her of it more plus it hurts your cause.
it's an example of you putting your anger and desire to "show her a thing or two" taking priority over your desire to reconcile....for God's sake see this and change it before it's too late.
And day to day contact does NOT always make it easier to see changes. Just the opposite.
Plus it's much much harder TO MAKE the changes when the WAS is always around.
Use this gift of time to work on yourself and make the changes so obvoius that when you do have contact
which you will have
it'll be obvious and demonstrable. Same with phone conversations AND with getting her to wonder about what you are doing with your free time
all things that won't happen with you staring at her all the time...and getting in her face b/c your record so far of being able to back off....is lousy.
** You make a lot of sense MLC. I greatly respect your perspective on this and appreciate the guidance. I'm sorry I haven't done the best job at following it. I am getting better.
Have you truly read the Div Remedy book to the end? Please do so b/c some of this is amptly covered in it. It'll reinforce your plan of action, which is to work on yourself ONLY.
** I have read it but am in need of a refresher. Understanding and putting into action are two very different things. I need to calm down and be more deliberate in my thgouht regarding my W.
