RO, The separation is an emotional phase for both of you. If you want - Check out my 1st page of my Too Tired To Fight Thread.
To sum it up, my separation was probably one of the most loving moments in my marriage with my w. There were alot of tears. There were times when we were separating stuff, and she just lost it. There were times when I did. We did our best to be there for each other. We validated each others feelings and pushed our selfishness aside. It was the strongest we had ever been.
It still didn't stop her from walking out the door. It still didn't stop her from wanting a D. I'm glad I didn't know what the outcome was going to be, because I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to do what I did.. but I know this. I DBed my A$$ off and my w noticed. But the other half of the equation is.. what they do with the new info? That is out of our hands.
My point being is that people are going to give alot of feedback on this process. Some will say - It's her decision, let her figure it out. Other like me - will say - be there if she is emotional.
At the end of the day, look at this as an opportunity. An opportunity to push yourself to grow and show the best RO possible. If in the end you can say "I am proud of how I handled that, I have no regrets" you did great. No matter the outcome. Only you can decide who that RO looks like.
As far as the dating when separated... here's the deal. Nothing is normal or customary. There are no "how to" books on how to EXACTLY handle this because every situation is different. There are a ton of similarities, but there are always variables.
If you can - Stop having expectations of your w. She's not the w you married (I assume) right now. I couldn't believe some of the sh!t my w was doing. Stuff we agreed upon, stuff we both believed in.. all gone. There were alot of WTF moments in the beginning and even still. Having no expectations can help limit the pain and detach a bit. It's not easy stuff, but it helps.
**I have become a lot better at not expecting anything from her other than her attempts to perpetuate the anger. I still have a long way to go though. I know who she is and this person that she has become is difficult to stomach.
Only you can decide if her having sex with someone would push you sitch beyond reconciliation. I'm not sure if I posted it here or somewhere else so forgive me. You are limiting yourself, your w, and God in that statement. If you can't forgive (and some people can't) own up to your part of it.. but realize it's YOU saying the relationship can't be saved if that happens. You are saying your heart can't be changed.
**It would and she knows it. It may sound like a hard stance and it is. I know every spouse holds fidelity in high regard. It is a particularly big issue for me. On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd rate it about a 12. I am actually somewhat concerned that she may do it just to spite me. To really drive me away. I also know I can't control it so I try not to think about it.
I'm not supporting your w decisions, infidelity, or dismissing your feelings. Man I still fume when I think of my w dating and having sex with others. But I also know that my anger only destroys me. It stops me from forgiving her. It stops God from changing my heart. What she's doing affects me.. but I was letting it define me. Does that make sense?
**It does make sense. I am new to the whole concept of forgiveness. It's one of the reasons I've had issue with myself for so long. I am trying to not let anything she does define me any longer. It is a hard transition/transformation.
Sorry for the long rant. You're doing good. The challenges are getting harder, but keep it up. You can do this! Be the man only a fool would leave!
Val, thank you for your words of encouragement. I am alone in the house today. I am trying to process things. My thoughts are becoming clearer so that helps. I realize more and more each day that my ability to control is limited to myself. My W is gone. I need to really accept that.
I don’t think she intends to sleep with anyone…at least at the moment. I think she is trying to accomplish 2 things by even bringing it up. First, she wants to be absolutely free of me and my expectations of our fidelity are a means of me controlling her. She seems to have little regard for our vows because she feels our M is over now. Secondly, she knows it is a hot button for me and she is trying to fuel her fire. She brought it up at the end of a cordial conversation we were having….she can't end on a positive. I took it a lot better than I thought I would but not as well as I would have liked.
My next response is going to be something like this, “Out of respect for you, our family and our vows, I plan to not have a physical relationship with another woman until our D is finalized. You are free to do what you need to do to make yourself happy”.
