As mentioned in my previous posts I'm trying to go dark. My last post spoke of how good it felt to do so. Soon after I made the post, I got a text message from my wife asking me to bring her $5 for my daughter who lost her tooth that night. Apparently, she forgot to get money when she was at the store and couldn't leave because the kids would be by themselves. Considering it was for my daughter I figured that it would be an okay thing to do. While driving I got another text asking if I would mind staying with the kids so she could go grab some milk at the store...which in the past has been code for her needing cigarettes...she said if I can't then that's okay. There is no way that I can stay in her apartment for that long....it's too soon. So, I didn't reply to the text and bought some milk and cigarettes. I snuck up to her apartment door and put the $5, milk and smokes in front of her door. Then I went to my car and text messaged her telling her where the items were located. I received a "THX" text back.
I was reading DR and got to the 'cheerleading' point of the book. Sadly, I've pointed out the negative rather than the positive in our marriage. Well, she is taking care of some insurance stuff for us. I got a notification saying that the insurance expires at the end of this month. I emailed her about it and she responded and explained the situation. I figured this would be a good time to cheer her on. So, I responded back with 'thank you for being on top of this...the girls couldn't live without you...good work." She responded with, "No problem...our daughter has an appointment Tuesday at 10". Which I thought was kind of humorous considering I made the appointment and emailed her about it last week.
Late that night she sent me a text asking me to come over because our D's guinea pig died and she's not sure what to do. I obliged and removed the dead animal from her apartment. She thanked me and apologized for asking me to come so late. This morning I checked the mail and saw she received a letter from a pulmonary doctor. I looked it up and it said that they deal with the lungs and such. So, I called her and asked her if she was okay...I explained that I saw who sent the letter and I wanted to see if she was okay...I told her she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to. Turns out it's for something else. Before she hung up she told me that she was dropping by the house to get the mail (which she doesn't even do when she drops the kids off...I leave it in the mailbox for her and still have to hand it to her when the mailbox gets too full). Three minutes later she was at my house. She let the girls out of the car to see me. She hung out for a few minutes and talked with me while I was prepping the house's picket fence to paint. She asked me what I was doing and I told her I was prepping the fence to paint. She asked me if I was selling the house and I said that I probably was because I didn't need anything that big. She told me that black would be a good color, which I said I wasn't sure what I was going to paint it...I'm not good with that stuff.
Ten minutes later she calls me to tell me about a trampoline that someone was selling at a yard sale and asked if I would be interested in it. I generally never answer her calls, so she has just started text messaging me. This time she called. I told her I didn't have the cash on me right now. She said okay and we hung up.
What is my point? How do I go dark with all of this stuff coming up. I know that I shouldn't read anything into anything she does, and I'm trying not too. It's probably coincidence but last time I started going dark things like this kept coming up. I got suckered into it and we started talking a bit and she starts being nice. Like I mentioned earlier, she even thanked me this time...she didn't even thank me two weeks ago when I single-handedly loaded all her furniture into the moving van.
Again, I'm doing my best not to read into things...the only thing I can think is that she is not interested in the M because she was okay with me selling the house...which, by the way, I think I handled well. I believe I showed her that I was doing things that I never did before (by painting the fence) and then by saying I was thinking of selling it showed her that I was moving forward.
This is killing me. I'm miserable every time I get around her. I miss her so much and seeing her just intensifies that feeling so much more. The nightmares that I have, every night since she has left, are bad enough. So here are my questions:
-How do I stay dark when things like this keep happening? I felt that my daughter needed to wake up with $$ under her pillow and I knew she needed milk. So, I feel justified in doing that. I also feel that I did right by going to her place to dispose of the dead guinea pig. As far as the cigarettes go...well, I didn't want to stay in her apartment...maybe I could have gone w/out buying those for her.
-Again, I don't want to read anything into her actions. But, is this something that I should look at to see if I'm on the right track as far as my db'ing?
-MHL explained to me that MLCers do not play games, they usually with what they are feeling within the last five minutes...and, they are full of confusion and have terrible memory. That being said, is this her way of "chasing me" or playing both sides of the fence? Crap! I'm analyzing again...don't answer the question, okay you can...See, now I'm all confused
I've need my distance for now...emotions are running rampant...of course, she doesn't know that (giving myself a pat on the back).
